And I don't qualify for food assistance.

Apparently it's because I'm a student at a higher education facility. In order to qualify for food assistance, I would have to be working a minimum of 20 hours a week, OR get a job at the school as a work study. She said, "well, you can take out additional loans." Yes, because that's what I really want to do. Besides, I can't. My loans are maxed out right now. I applied for a student loan at my bank and was denied. I won't be getting any student loan money until the middle of September. What am I supposed to do until then? Starve? I get $1,312 a month in unemployment. Bills ALONE total $1,143. That's not including gas or food. I have 4 months until I get loan money. If ever I've felt utter despair, this is it. I balled my eyes out on my way home. I guess if I have to, I can take all my shit to the pawn shop again. I vowed to never do that again after I got all my stuff out in January. I can borrow $500 from the bank with the advance checking account feature and pay it back at 10% interest.

She gave me a list of food banks in the area. Other than that, I really don't know what I'm supposed to do. I would sell my car and get a clunker where I don't have a car payment, but I owe more than it's worth. I can only miss two car payments before it gets repo'd, and then I would be really fucked because I need a car to get to and from school. Oh, plus, I have to pay $2.50 a day for parking at school.

I feel like drowning myself in the toilet, because that's what's happening here.

They make me smile. Every morning, Pete sends me a good morning text. Sometimes he'll say good morning sunshine, or good morning baby doll, or morning hun. And even if I was sleeping, I'll answer it if it wakes me up. It makes me feel good that I'm one of the first things he thinks about when he awakens. I only hope that he thinks the same of me when he meets me.

During our phone calls, he's told me a couple of things that he doesn't tell people even though we've only been talking for a week. It's only been a week? It feels longer than that for some reason. Maybe because we've talked so much in just a week. I really like talking to him, and I always look forward to reading a text from him.

I love that he understands my sarcasm and enjoys it. I can be extremely feisty, and it seems like he would be able to handle that. He's shown a bit of a kinky side too, and I love that. I asked him what he was making me for dinner, and he said a hot petey. I asked him what that entailed, and he said every inch of his body and whip cream. Oh my.

I haven't been flirting with the other guys since I've been talking to Pete. I'll talk to them when they text me, but I don't flirt with them.

And, just because a song came up on shuffle, I just have to say how much I love Lana Del Ray.

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!!!! <3

Good grief, I'm on Tumblr reblogging all kinds of "couple" things and we aren't even dating....

Buy some candles online. That's what I did. Can't wait to get them.

When I lay down I cough. When I sit up, I cough, even with a cough drop in my mouth. What the fuck. I don't even feel sick. Maybe I'll try to sleep again...now that I have a primitive list of the candles I wanna try. I have probably 100 scents listed...I bought 4.

That's the longest I've talked on the phone in a LONG time. That guy I wrote about? The potential? He called me tonight and we talked for 3 1/2 hours. It was awesome. We swapped work stories and drunk stories. Talked about movies and music. It was a really good time. It seems like we get along great. The only thing is, I hate talking on the phone for so long because now my ear hurts and my elbow hurts, lol.

He plays guitar and he gives guitar lessons. He's been playing guitar for a year longer than I've been alive, lol. He traveled Europe for 7 years, and he can do some pretty awesome imitations of accents. He's 8 years older than I am. He seems like a pretty awesome guy.

Anyways, just had to share =]

I know I haven't been around much for weeks.

I've had trouble sleeping for weeks. Sometimes I can't fall asleep for an hour or more. Sometimes I wake up constantly. Sometimes I have both these problems.

Tonight I fell asleep just fine. Took me about 20 minutes. But now I'm awake. It's the fourth time, and I went to bed less than 2 hours ago.

Why am I having such troubles sleeping? It started when my sister was in the hospital. When I was worried and anxious about her. But now she's out of the hospital and back to "normal," but I'm still have problems sleeping. sigh. I suppose I'll try and get back to sleep now...I'm having lunch with Cody tomorrow. So I need to wake up and shower and everything. Even though I wish I could sleep the day away...

Also, I think I form depending relationships too quickly. Maybe another blog for another time...



Please help me cuz I'm breaking down.....

I'm so goddamn hungry and I can't afford groceries this week. It's rent week. Should I pay for them using a credit card? The hunger is like a constant ache in my stomach that won't go away. I've been eating once or twice a day for the last couple of weeks. Having to choose between bills and food is the worst decision in the fucking world. Am I supposed to let my credit score suffer even more just to eat? I mean, if I let my score get worse I won't be able to get a decent loan on a house when I'm ready. Or a new car, whenever the fuck that will be. I won't need a new car for a long time anyway. Mine has 64,000 miles and it's an '05. I'm so hungry I can't sleep. My stomach pains are keeping me awake.

Fuck this life.

And I still have a ton of homework to do before Monday.

First of all, I haven't been sleeping all that well to begin with..and now I have this dry cough that keeps waking me up all the time. I woke up at 9:30 and it's nearly 11 now but I feel so tired. I want a nap.

Anyway, if you're not friends with me on Facebook, you don't know that my schooling was approved to be funded by the Dislocated Worker Program. Summer semester will be fully paid for, but I was warned it might not be in future semesters. But it's still good news. I have to email my career counselor and ask him if I'll get the gas card he had mentioned...that would be so nice. Also thinking about applying for food assistance. Groceries are expensive :/

But anyway, super excited that things for school are falling into place. I'm excited to get my degree...but it seems scary at the same time. I mean...in order to get this done in two years, which is required for the dislocated worker program to fund it, I need to be taking 5 classes every fall and spring semester, and that will be hard once I get into the upper level courses. Gah. But at least it will fill my time. There have been times this semester I've been bored with 3 classes. Speaking of...I can't believe tomorrow is the last class in human origins and this week is the last week in sociology, and Monday is the last day in psychology. Holy crap.

And, my sister is out of the hospital too. She has to take anti-psychotics, meet with a psychiatrist twice a month, and go to NA. I'm going to go see her once the semester is over.

Anyway, I'm going to take a nap.....

I have never seen someone have a complete mental breakdown. Seeing it happen to someone I love so dearly...there aren't even words. I've seen my sister 3 times. Thursday night, when she was admitted, Friday evening, and yesterday. I gave her the duck I used in my social deviance assignment. For two straight days, she wouldn't let go of it. She would hug it to her chest, and cry. She's in so much emotional pain, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to witness in my life. She was confused about why she's there. She thinks she's crazy. She thinks she's imagined the relationship with her boyfriend. She thinks she hears people whispering. She keeps thinking her boyfriend is there. "Is Paul here?" she keeps asking. She'll all of a sudden cock her head to the side and get this strange look on her face. She's so disconnected with herself and what's going on around her. She'll shuffle around the room, looking confused and staring off into nothing. For the first two days, all she did was cry.

Yesterday when we went to see her, we finally got her laughing a bit. But she still has her moments of confusion. A nurse pulled her aside, out of her room, to give her some meds. The nurse asked her who was visiting, and after a moment, Taylor said, "I don't know them." The nurse left, and Taylor stayed outside her room, and I heard the nurse say, "Taylor, you have three or four people in your room, waiting to talk to you." When she came back into the room, she looked confused. Rachel asked, "Taylor, do you know who we are?" She replied, "Of course I do, you're my sisters."

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I feel so utterly helpless, and I don't want to see her like this anymore. There's no visitors today, but I plan on calling her. I hope she's feeling better today. Yesterday, she told us that today she was going to talk about mom. I'm assuming she meant to her doctors. I completely blame my mother for my sister's current condition. My mother is the worst human being I've ever had the misfortune of knowing. I'm sick of her psychotic bullshit and the way she treats people. Yesterday, my sister started crying when she told us she remembers when me and Rachel went to live with our dads. She wanted to come with us so badly. I feel so terrible. More than one person has told me it's not my burden to bear, but I can't help but feel responsible. I kept telling myself, I know Taylor's having a hard time, but she'll be okay once she gets away from mother. Never did I think that this would happen. Yesterday, she said, "Mom." She didn't say anything else, so Rachel said, "What about her?" Taylor said, "I need to get away from her, don't I?"

I couldn't help but get teary-eyed. I cried part of the drive home. Now I feel completely restless. I don't feel like doing anything. I have schoolwork to do, but I don't feel like it.

I just want everything to be okay.