March 6, 2012
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Your Heart is Always Broken
Cody said that to me once, a long time ago.
I started feeling sad at the bar this afternoon. I can’t pinpoint the cause. Cody could tell there was something wrong. I came home and started watching Mad Men and beading, focusing my attention on something else. It didn’t work, because now I’ve finished season 3 and I’m over halfway done with the bracelet, but I’m still sad. I hate being nearly 30…but that’s not why I’m sad. I guess it just makes me realize that I’m not a child anymore. I haven’t been for quite some time…but… When exactly did things get so complicated? I went to work. I laughed. I came home. Things were certain. I don’t know how things got so messed up. I got my heart broken, and it still hurts. Then I broke someone else’s heart. Mine still hurts from months ago. I guess that’s why I’m so sad. That’s why I sit here with tears running down my cheeks. I want something so much that can never be mine. So very much.
I used to believe in true love, that one and only. I don’t believe that anymore. I’ve cried more in the last few months than I’ve cried in the previous 10 years combined. It makes me want to cut to numb the pain. I’m not sure how long it’s been since the last time…judging by the look of the scars, it’s been about a year. I took out a fresh blade the last time I blogged about it, but I didn’t use it. It’s still sitting on my desk. I want to use it so badly.
I can listen to Mad World over and over and over when I’m sad. It’s the best sad song in the world.
Comments (8)
I used to believe in love and soulmates but I have started to think they were created just to sell greeting cards.
One of the things that truly sucks about being an adult is seeing that dream of love, fortune, success and so forth being harder to acquire than it may seem. No Disney or Nickelodeon movie ever told us it would take so many tries at achieving something happy. Certainly not in he midst of all the crap we face. It makes you want to tell a kid to hold on to their childhood and make it as happy as they can, while we just hope we have the strength to push on and keep pursuing what we want.
*hug* Hang in there, beauty. It just means there’s a better guy waiting for you. Sounds trite, and hard to believe right now, but I was in a similar place…twice before. I thought lightning only strikes once after the first one left me, and “ok, MAYBE it strikes twice” when I met the second. I had zero hope of ever meeting anyone to equal either of them, but I’m constantly amazed. Because I did. There IS better out there. Just keep holding on, and being the kind of woman who will attract THAT guy. <3
-Hugs- I know you’re in a lot of pain right now and the world seems dark but the sun will rise again. Give yourself time to heal.
@godfatherofgreenbay - Love has existed for longer than greeting cards dear <3
@mynameisblueskye - What a great comment, and you said it so well.
@SecretNeverTold - *hugs* Thank you. I just don’t know how long it will be, and I’m sick of being alone.
@UnconventionalButterfly - *hugs* Thank you..I hope it doesn’t wait too long to rise.
I’m sorry
I do love Mad World, myself. Your post reminds of a song I heard, that said love always strikes twice, the first time is to learn the price. I hate heartbreak, and it takes a long time to work through. Do not be impatient with yourself. XOXOX
@BoulderChristina - Thank you. I’ve fallen in love three times now, and none of them have worked out. I wonder how many there will be.
I don’t believe in love either. At least, not for me, because I always fall for the people I can never have, and anybody who shows me interest only want one thing…if you know what I mean.
Anyway, please hang in there. Do everything you can to distract yourself from those urges. You can’t go back to the cutting, it’ll undo the entire year you’ve been clean.
I’ll be thinking of you. *hug*