February 13, 2005

• So, life still sucks, but now I have a puter and the net. So whoot. Right now, I’m using aol until we get our dsl goin…yeah. Nice, huh? I thought so too.

  
  

  My mother came over last night. She spent the night. The whole visit felt really weird to me. I didn’t want her here. It was weird that she spent the night. She’s crazy.

  
  

  Do you remember when everything was so simple? I don’t. I can’t remember when I was ever care free….I suppose I was as a child, but I can’t remember when I was younger. Only fleeting memories of a simpler and honest time, which don’t add up to anything anyway.

  
  

  But what’s the point? I don’t understand what I have to gain in life. No one will ever love me for who I am…it’s as simple as that. But nothing in and of itself is ever simple…is it? I didn’t think so. I don’t know who I am and what my place in this world is. Am I just being stupid? Do I just have extremely low self esteem? What is it in me that makes me have such negative thoughts about life and about myself? I don’t understand what it is. Maybe it’s my experiences in life…none of which I can remember, but still have an effect in my life nonetheless. I think life is overrated and the average person never gets anywhere in life. I think that most people feel horribly depressed with their non-lives, deep down in their soul. They know that they’re unhappy, but they won’t admit it to anyone, maybe even themselves. Nothing is wrong, as always.

  
  

  My life is shit. Nothing means anything. It’s all an illusion, that’s all it is. Not real, but imaginary, made up in your mind and helped by those around you, aiding in the need to find something fictitious to get away from the reality of your life. Because, your life is just so horrible that you need the false hopes of success. Most people are not successful by their own definition. Most people’s definition of success is about making lots of money to buy expensive things…a want that has turned into a need in our society. We give ourselves bills we either cannot pay or have to delicately balance them in order to fulfill this need of ours to own bigger and supposedly better things. Why?

  
  

  And who is God? No one…a fictitious being made up because we find that we need a higher power to believe in. We need to believe that we make our own lives, but at the same time, be able to believe in that higher being that is so necessary. I don’t see the point in believing in God. Like all people, I am selfish and will admit it: God has done nothing for me. Except, He’s made me see how much shit my life really is….if that is Him. I can honestly say that I don’t know what I believe in. But I don’t think it’s God….and I don’t think it ever will be.

  
  

  ahhhh the ramblings of me….am I crazy or what? I wrote that about a week ago.

  • 11:18 pm
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