August 29, 2012
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Overcoming Adversity
There are some people here who know my circumstances, and there are some who don’t. I have some new friends since I’ve talked about this, but I had a conversation last night that made me think that I should re-visit this..a little bit of my history. I want to tell you, if I can do this, you can too. There’s no reason not to…but I have to warn you, it may be triggering.
I’ve been through a lot in my life. I’ve had a lot of bad things happen to me. I’ll tell you some things so you can understand. My parents were separated when I was about 1, divorced when I was 3. When I was 4, my mom had a child with another man. When I was 5, my dad had a child with another woman. When I was 8, my mom had another baby with yet another man (she is still with him). Anyway, that’s my family tree. I lived with my dad most of my life. After 9th grade, I went to live with my mother. No one warned me how she really was.
She’s crazy. All the drugs and drinking have created brain damage, and she is nuts. She’s cruel and violent. She only attacked me once, and I fought back so she never tried it again. I never slept at home. I was terrified that she was going to kill me in my sleep. I was always prepared to jump out of bed and run…especially after the first time I saw her go after my step dad with a knife. I lived with this for three years. Senior year she kicked me out of the house a couple of times, and I moved from one friend’s house to another, back home…I ended up moving 6 times. I practically lived out of my car.
Well, living with my dad wasn’t so great either..at first. He did drugs and drank too, with his girlfriend of the time. While they had their parties in the living room, one of their friends would creep into my room and molest me. I don’t know how long it went on. I don’t remember exactly how old I was. I think I was about 5, maybe 6. My dad cleaned up when I was 10, and it’s at that point I can remember more about my life. I had two childlike years I remember at 10 and 11. After that, things got hard again. I started having suicidal thoughts, I wanted to die. I never knew why, because I didn’t start remembering the molestation until I was a senior in high school.
Senior year was really messed up. There was everything I was going through with my mother, and on top of it I started remembering all of these disturbing things. After I graduated, I went back to living with my dad and I got a job. I had a full time job for the next 8 years. But, for much of it, I was like a zombie. I was just doing things without emotion. Everything had been way too much, and my mind retreated into itself. I pretty much felt nothing, and I barely remember anything about those 4 or 5 years. It was like a black hole I was living in, the energy and life was sucked out of me. I wasn’t happy, but I wasn’t sad either. It was like I was nothing. I started cutting. I felt like, I needed to feel SOMETHING. Just, anything. Even if it was just physical, I needed to feel something resembling human, so I hurt myself to make life seem real. And it was bliss for me. It was everything. I would cut 30 or more slashes at once, and I was doing it every few days. It didn’t really hurt as I was doing it, but it would sting the next day in the shower, and it felt glorious to me. I loved the way my jeans rubbed on the cuts and made them hurt. It was the one thing I had…to feel.
I was also drinking a lot, and doing foolish things and making stupid decisions. I got drunk because it made me happy. Most of the time. There have been plenty of bad experiences, most of them on tequila. There was one time I wanted to kill myself and I was at my aunt’s house. I went into her kitchen and took a knife and tried cutting my wrists up and down. Luckily, it wasn’t a good knife and didn’t do anything but make some scratches.
I started getting better when I read about Wicca and Paganism. It felt so peaceful, reading about the serenity of the relationship between the earth and the moon and nature. But, it was just a start. It’s been a very long, hard road, getting better from my past. Every day, I feel like I get stronger. Sometimes, I honestly don’t know how I did it, because I was so incredibly damaged for so long. I was in a truly horrible place in my mind. I always felt like there is no hope for me, that I would never be better and that I would never be with anyone.
I truly believe in the power of the mind. If you believe those things, they will be true. If you make a decision to change your mind, to be in a better place, it will happen. The process is a long one, but it’s so worth it. If you’re in a bad place, you can do it. Just tell yourself, I’m not going to let this be me anymore. Take small steps every day and change the way you think. It’s hard, I know it is. But I am so much happier knowing that my mind is stronger, and nothing can stop me. From now on, whatever hardships come my way, I know I’ll be able to handle it. Not only with difficult situations, but with everything. I can stand my ground, whereas before I would crumble.
It’s more than worth it to free your mind from your demons, and you can do it. The human mind is so incredibly powerful, and once a decision is made, you can do anything. Just let yourself become who you truly want to be. Don’t ever let anyone or anything hold you down..most importantly, don’t let yourself do it.
Comments (26)
Wow that’s crazy yet very inspirational. After all that you can face anything and become stronger. Glad you learned how to use your mind. I am a hypnotist by trade so I understand you are speaking truth about the mind. Great story keep up the great work!!!
PS you mention how you “forgot” for a while what happened. Another testimony of how the subconscious mind does that on purpose for a protection mechanism. Then it reveals it later when it thinks you can handle and process things.
There were 2 girls one time who got raped by a criminal. The cops went to a hypnotist to get a description from the one girl because her subconscious purposefully blocked out the information as a protection mechanism.The other girl remembered everything but it made her completely insane. The hypnotist refused to bring up the memories from the girl who had the amnesia. Fortunately he was able to hypnotise the girl and get a description of the criminal without bringing up all the bad memories. The cops solved the crime and convicted the criminal.
You’ve overcome a lot. I’m super happy you’ve been able to find something that helps you work through it. Everyone needs something like that, to give them strength and help them be positive.
@LadyboyRevolution - Last spring in psychology we learned that hypnotism is based only on how suggestible a person is. Our instructor also said that it can be unreliable because people tend to ask leading questions that implant memories..the human mind is very susceptible to false memories. But I honestly don’t know, that’s just what we learned. I’ve always found hypnotism fascinating though.
@WhiskeyStilettos - Thank you =] I no longer follow Wicca/Paganism, but it helped me at the time. I recently packed up all those books and put them in the storage room..but I will always remember how they helped me get out of a very dark time.
You’ve come through so much and far from letting it beat you down became a stronger person for it. That’s inspiring! Especially so when it’s clear you found your well of strength from within you, not some artificial construct on the outside. That’s great. Dante’s Prayer, one of my very favorite songs by Lorena McKennitt seems right for your theme song if ever you need to have one:
When the dark wood fell before me
And all the paths were overgrown
When the priests of pride say there is no other way
I tilled the sorrows of stone
I did not believe because I could not see
Though you came to me in the night
When the dawn seemed forever lost
You showed me your love in the light of the stars
Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me
Then the mountain rose before me
By the deep well of desire
From the fountain of forgiveness
Beyond the ice and the fire
Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me
Though we share this humble path, alone
How fragile is the heart
Oh give these clay feet wings to fly
To touch the face of the stars
Breathe life into this feeble heart
Lift this mortal veil of fear
Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears
We’ll rise above these earthly cares
Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me…
You’re a true survivor. Skills needed in a world such as this.
@crazy2love - that is definitely possible but the APA has been trying to put hypnotists out of business from day one. They want to monopolize the industry and force everyone to come to them for help so they can make all the money even though there track record of success is actually frightening. A good hypnotist (even though they are hard to find) get’s results that are unheard of in the psychology industry.
I know people struggle with self esteem issues. I don’t get depressed, I get extremely angry. Anger is my coping mechanism. So is having a numb mind. It definitely takes out the juice of life to be me. My only source of pleasure is… being alone. So when I get lonely, I cannot rely on companionship, which is the worst part of being alone.
Thanks for telling your story. You are a true survivor and deserve a smooth road from now on. Be well
This is such a strong post. I really admire your ability to share your story for those of us who are coming out of similar experiences, or just as dark of times or worse. You have such a beautiful mind, I’ve recently started believing in the power of our minds and you’re so right. Once you have set your mind to something, like REALLY set your mind to it, you have no excuses left to make for yourself not to go through with whatever it is you’ve made your mind up about.
The way you ended it, “most importantly, don’t let yourself do it”, couldn’t have hit me harder. In most cases, we are our own hardest critics, and we hold ourselves back more than anybody else could. I know I lived that way for a long time, still do from time to time but I’m able to pull myself out of it better now.
Thank you so much for sharing, you have come a long way girl.
-hug-
((( hugs ))) You’ve paid a lot of dues! Thanks for sharing!
You’ve overcome a lot in such a short life. It took a lot of strength to put yourself out there like this but thank you for doing it. I hope that others who are struggling will find encouragement in your words.
~hug~
Thank you very much for sharing your story with us. You inspire us with your courage, determination, tenacity, and strength.
You’re a brave person and I encourage to continue on and hold your head high!
you have overcome so much
Thank you for sharing your story again. I definitely think you should do more post on how you overcame you past.
It’s not easy, sharing ones past as you have. You’re very brave.
@Ampbreia - Thank you, I’ve never heard that song, I’ll have to check it out =]
@ThereWillBeDragons - =] Thank you
@RulerofMasons - I got angry too..and I used to find solace in being alone. I’m still alone much of the time, but not so much. Hopefully someday you don’t feel the need to be so alone, because we are naturally social creatures, and it’s nice to be around people sometimes.
@vexations - Thank you =]
@specialxplaces - Thank you. I found that sharing my story helps others, and myself at the same time. I get so many different responses from people, and I hope that my words resonate through others going through tough times.
@UnconventionalButterfly - *hugs*
@old_snapshots - *hugs* Thank you for reading =]
@firetyger - Thank you. I write something like this every once in a while, to offer encouragement to others. I hope it helps at least someone.
@lynnziboo - *hugs*
@heart_leigh - Thank you, I hope it does inspire others =]
@justafishinoursea - It’s The Doctor! XD Thank you =]
@godfatherofgreenbay - Yes, I have…so if I can, others can too =]
@Erika_Steele - Thank you for reading. Maybe I’ll write another one soon =]
@LastStopCrazyTown - It gets easier as you go along, especially once you look back and actually realize how far you’ve come. You realize how much you can do, including sharing your story to help others.
I know it has taken determination to put your past behind you and move on as a strong individual…. thank you for sharing your story to inspire others who might be going through the same as you did……
If you have always enjoyed being around people, to please your social cravings, wasn’t that in itself enough to make you a happy person and not a cutter?
That was an inspirational story about your life. You have come a long way having faced the challenges in the past.
This post was personally inspiring to me. I absolutely loved the part where you described the power of one’s mind. It’s true, so very true. And the best part is, we are all capable of changing how we think, of using our minds to make positive changes, one small step at a time. There’s always hope for feeling better, being a better person. Thanks for this post. I emailed it to myself so I could look back on it from time to time.
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