July 13, 2012
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On Dominance and Submission
I think this is one of the most misunderstood relationships there could ever be. When people think of being dominant, they may think of whips and chains, handcuffs, etc, but that’s not what it’s truly about. I’m writing this so people can better understand some of the misconceptions of a dominant/submissive relationship…and I mean a relationship, not just seeking the thrill of being either a dominant or a submissive because it turns you on. There are some people that do just that and nothing else, and there is a difference.
I think what a lot of people fail to realize is that the submissive has all of the power. The dominant can exert their will, but the submissive can say no. Saying no is the greatest and ultimate power. That ability gives the submissive everything. However, that power must not be abused, ever. Because not only does the submissive have all of the power in the relationship, but it’s also about trust. Total and complete trust. Submissives give themselves willingly, trusting in their partner to care for them in every way they need to be cared for. They trust that, when they give themselves completely to their partner, they will be nurtured. It is also about obeying. You’re given an order, you follow it. It’s in this that I personally find a thrill. It’s also the fact that you belong to someone else, and not just your body. You are theirs, and only theirs.
Not only does the dominant take what the submissive so willingly gives, but they also give back. This is another misunderstood aspect of the relationship. They, too, give all of themselves. Willingly. In order for trust to work, the submissive needs to know that they will receive as much as they give. However, the dominant still has dominance. It can be a fine line to find, but it’s at the point the dominant gives orders and the submissive obeys.
Another misunderstood concept is that this isn’t just regarding sex. It encompasses the entire relationship, the giving and taking of yourselves to each other, in everything…body, mind, and spirit. It’s really quite amazing when you find someone with whom you can have this relationship with, perfectly. It’s incredibly rare, because a lot of times, something can be lopsided in the relationship, or someone doesn’t understand some aspect of how it’s supposed to be. Finding the perfect balance, and just being with someone in this manner..it’s like..home.
It’s also important to say that this kind of relationship isn’t anything to be entered into lightly. It’s nothing like what you’ve read in 50 Shades of Grey. The relationship between dominant and submissive is grossly misrepresented in those books. People can get hurt if you don’t find the delicate balance of give and take, and it may not be found easily. Completely giving yourself to another person is not a simple matter, or one to take lightly. It’s also important that you don’t give yourself to the wrong person because a dominant or a submissive can abuse the relationship, which can be immensely hurtful.
Comments (33)
I was in a relationship like that, and irregardless of how long we’ve been apart (as long as 1.5 years!), we can spend time together like nothing ever happened.
I don’t know, the exchange, dynamic, and entire lifestyle cannot be explained or clarified in just a few paragraphs. It requires a lot of communication, dedication, and experience. There is A LOT to be understood about it if you ever have a desire to enter this kind of life. There are dangerous misconceptions about it, a lot of people end up in abusive relationships without ever even realizing it because they disguise it as BDSM. It’s too intimate and delicate to sum up so quickly. It can damage a person to the core, scar their very soul… it is not a toy, it is not a game. And it’s a damn shame that popular culture is abusing it and misshaping it and turning it into a game, and a toy, and a cheap thrill.
Perhaps misunderstood is not the way to describe it. It is unique and belongs only to a special few in this world. Of course those whom are not touched to the very depths by it cannot fathom it. That is what is so wonderful about it, why try to explain to a cockroach what you see? If a person is ready, they will find the path, and they will understand it fully.
Thanks for sharing this. It was well thought out and well said.
You explained that very well and I think it gives new light to the whole “dominant/submissive” thing. I definitely like the way you described it.
@Thatslifekid - That’s awesome!
@UnderlyingDiscontent - I completely agree. I wasn’t going for an entire explanation, only some misconceptions. I read 50 Shades of Grey, and I got really pissed off. So many people are reading it, and it’s grossly misrepresented. It most certainly isn’t a game, and people can get damaged from it.
@Bond_of_Morpheus - I don’t think that people will find the path and understand it fully, because I think this kind of special relationship is already misunderstood by people who think they are in a relationship such as this.
@RushmoreJ - Thank you
Perhaps you should say that then instead.
@UnderlyingDiscontent - It’s been reworded =]
@crazy2love - It’s awesome when we can make time for each other, but that’s few and far between.
Okay, now I’m not trying to be mean or put you down. I’m sure you know this. But this subject is extremely personal and intimate for me. To just throw this out there is really upsetting. If you want to raise awareness about being informed before jumping into this lifestyle, please, write that. This is going attract more uninformed people to bdsm, get more people hurt. I’ve seen what it can do to a person, and I really don’t think anyone else needs to experience that. It’s not just a misunderstood or special kind of relationship. It’s dangerous, and I feel you downplay that here. Maybe because you haven’t had the kind of experience with it that I do, we feel different about it. You said you read 50 Shades of Grey and that inspired this, because it mis-represents bdsm, why don’t you just write that? Maybe throw a few articles in of people who have gotten hurt. It sounds like you don’t take this seriously, and if other people read this, it makes me fear they won’t either.
I see the point you are trying to make, but I also see @UnderlyingDiscontent - side of the coin too. I was a part of the lifestyle for quite some time. BDSM relationships go so much deeper than just a sexual level. There is a bond and trust that relaly cannot be put into words. I left because of a Dom who really was no Dom at all, but disguised his abusive nature in the form of a BDSM life. It only took one night to scar me and make me run the other way, But as years have gone by and I have done some healing I crave to be back. I’ve served a couple of Dom’s that we never were sexual at all. It’s a mindset, a way of being, it affects you on so many dimensions within yourself that when you are truly in the real deal it’s is like home. With all this erotic literature that is out people are trying to role play, and maybe for some they may find that submissive or Dominant within themselves, and take it to another level. But those who wish to go further should do so under guidance. To role play in the bedroom is fine as long as limits are set and respected. As in BDSM relationship there are limits, but those are meant to be pushed unless they are deal breakers. Even though the submissive may control the scene it is easy for a sub to lose oneself into what we call “subspace” and their Dom needs to be extremely wary once that happens otherwise if they go to far they could potential harm their sub. I’ve always said if people are interested, do your research, reach out to real lifestylers and ask to be taken under their wing so to speak. It’s a shame people only see perversion within this lifestyle, when it is so much more, if and only if you know what you are doing as well as your partner in it.
@UnderlyingDiscontent - I fully understand your point of view. I will admit, I’ve never been hurt. I know what your intentions are with your comment, and I added a few things.
@wyckdstorm - I’m sorry that you were abused in this manner, it’s really unfortunate that people hide their evil behind something that should be a beautiful experience. It is a shame that people see only perversion, because it’s far, far from the truth. The depth of the bond is truly hard to explain, something that’s felt on such a level that touches the inner core of your being.
@crazy2love - no need to be sorry, I only share the bad that happened because I want people to be aware. And I wasn’t a novice either when it happened, yet I was fooled. If my story can help someone than I’ve done my job, but even with that because I know the full extent of what it can really be I miss it so much….sighs….
I enjoyed reading your post and the comments. It is an interesting topic.
@UnderlyingDiscontent - I just visited your site and read your current post. I have known several in Xanga who are in Dom/Sub relationships. It was very interesting for sure and they were very nice people. I learned quite a bit. I was surprised that one couple later married after their husband divorced her. it did not work out well as I recall–too many financial problems.
I kind of felt it was better the first way. Apparently, the husband was OK with her D/S guy, but hey were quite discreet.
frank
YES.
This is exactly right.
I don’t need need to find that balance. I learned how to force people to do what I want, and make it seem like I asked for it nicely. It’s called subtle brute force. And my philosophy is as follows: “I’m going to do whatever I want and in exchange, I will give you anything I want.” If you were to be my girlfriend, you wouldn’t have to be submissive, I would be supportive of you no matter what.
thanks for sharing
This was a very interesting read. I enjoyed it
If you are ever curious, Check out the Goreans…THAT is an eye opener.
But just a warning…they take it damned seriously. It’s not just Tops and Bottoms…and some of it is just WAY over the top.
You have a lot of good points there. I like your blogs.. I subscribed.
It is a great thing to just find a relationship where you can become ‘bestfriends’ with that person and simply enjoy their company.. that is very important if you’re looking for a serious relationship and/or marriage.. because great marriages that last the husband and wife ARE best friends, life partners and work well together with certain things if not most things. After 5+ years they start learning to ‘choose their battles’ and they never go to bed angry.. and then 5 years turns into 30 and they live happily ever after. They learn to communicate, be always truthful and have fun together.. and there is no body else that they would rather spend forever with.It’s a beautiful thing.
starmanjones has read and smiled
Very interesting to read.
I concur. Please see my post “Responsibilities and Duties of a Dom” which gives insight to the seriousness of a Dom/sub relationship. Thanks for sharing.
Sucking feet is such a primal thing with me and the world does not understand.
@crazy2love - I read it and got pissed off too. The sad thing is I can see where some woman are flockig to this poorly written (in more ways that one) junk. I read all 3 of them just to see what the fuss was about. The entire time I was sitting here plotting my own story in my head about how it should be told.
The truth is, until someone crosses paths with someone in the true lifestyle and not some back room playtime, they are always going to have misconceptions about what they read on the internet.
@crazy2love @OmoroseHeart – agree. I believe EVERYONE should read that post.
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