is pnarp.com from Mass. and why is it stalking my blog???

Anyway. I shopped online for some clothes at Kohl's and shoes online at DSW. I LOVE shoes. Now that I don't work at a warehouse, I am free to wear whatever shoes I want, and not steel toes. My favorite kind of shoes are wedges. I love love love wedges...and I bought a pair today!! They're nice because they give me height and they're super comfortable. Well, most of them are comfortable. So for DSW I had a $5 coupon because it's my birthday month, plus I got double member points for my order XD

The clothes I bought:

(I bought the cardigan)

(I bought the dress)

The shoes I bought:

Well, I guess the goodbye is a bit dramatic....but that's just who I am. I do want to go back to bed though. I cried myself to sleep last night, and I'm not sure what time I fell asleep. The first time I woke up was 7:30 this morning, and I went back to sleep. I repeated the cycle until it was 10:30, neck hurting like hell and my muscles were stiff and sore from yesterday's fit test....which was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. But, I lost a pound. I don't know how I'm going to work out today when my legs hurt to move them. But I have to....Mary told me to keep going no matter what. So I shall.

My eyes hurt today from crying last night. I wish I could go back to bed and sleep the day away. Can I use Kohl's cash to shop online?! I don't feel like going out and today is the last day I can use it....

Cody said that to me once, a long time ago.

I started feeling sad at the bar this afternoon. I can't pinpoint the cause. Cody could tell there was something wrong. I came home and started watching Mad Men and beading, focusing my attention on something else. It didn't work, because now I've finished season 3 and I'm over halfway done with the bracelet, but I'm still sad. I hate being nearly 30...but that's not why I'm sad. I guess it just makes me realize that I'm not a child anymore. I haven't been for quite some time...but... When exactly did things get so complicated? I went to work. I laughed. I came home. Things were certain. I don't know how things got so messed up. I got my heart broken, and it still hurts. Then I broke someone else's heart. Mine still hurts from months ago. I guess that's why I'm so sad. That's why I sit here with tears running down my cheeks. I want something so much that can never be mine. So very much.

I used to believe in true love, that one and only. I don't believe that anymore. I've cried more in the last few months than I've cried in the previous 10 years combined. It makes me want to cut to numb the pain. I'm not sure how long it's been since the last time...judging by the look of the scars, it's been about a year. I took out a fresh blade the last time I blogged about it, but I didn't use it. It's still sitting on my desk. I want to use it so badly.

I can listen to Mad World over and over and over when I'm sad. It's the best sad song in the world.

Today I start Insanity. I'm a little nervous. But, today looks like the easiest day, because I only have to do the fit test and measurements. Well, besides Sundays, which are rest days.

I'm meeting up with Cody and Keith after Cody gets off work today. Some beer will add some calories and carbs to my meal plan for the day, but oh well. It's worth it. I'll just have a couple...I have to drive anyway.

Why is it always so cold in my room? I can't wait until tomorrow, it looks like it's finally going to start warming up outside. In fact, tomorrow might be a nice day to have the windows open. It's going to be in the 50's. Absolutely beautiful weather. Today it's going to be 38...boo. It'll feel nice though, after being in the 20's for the last week.

Anyway, I'll chat with everyone later...gotta get going on finishing my protein shake and start my work out!!

For sociology class every week, we have to take what we've learned and write a reflection paper, relating what we've read to our personal lives and experiences, or just our thoughts on the topic. This week we learned about social deviance, and one of the topics that was highlighted in the book are differences in deviant behavior between classes, and how "street crime" and "white collar crime" are treated differently as far as consequences. This is what I wrote for my paper. And sorry, it copy and pasted weird from Word, and for some reason I can't fix it, save for re-typing the last paragraph, which I don't feel like doing, lol.

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I think it shows just how much of a fundamental problem we have in the US, to have “street crime” and “white collar crime” with vastly different consequences. Especially since white collar crime costs significantly more money than street crime. Honestly, to me, what’s the difference between a pick pocket in the Subway in NYC and a corporate schmuck who steals millions of dollars from others in some way? They are exactly the same thing, because they are both stealing. However, there are two differences: the corporate guy stole a lot more, but his consequences are so much lighter. It simply doesn’t equate. And, it would take an awful lot to get that changed, because the people who commit white collar crime have the money to buy their way out of their crimes and buy legislature from the government (which, I don’t think lobbying should be legal either, or, it shouldn’t be as prevalent as it is).

So who pays for these crimes? It’s apparent that the hard working middle and lower class do, with their taxes, a $700,000,000,000.00 bailout. That’s a lot of zeros, isn’t it? Yes, the rich pay taxes, but it’s the percentage they have to pay is much lower than that of those who make far less. Which, that bailout didn’t do anything. Would it have been better to let the banks go under because of the crimes they committed? Why are we paying so much for the crimes committed by greedy people? That seems like a much bigger problem than a pickpocket on the subway who gambled the stolen money away in a casino. Why are these people allowed to commit these crimes with no repercussions? If there continues to be no real consequences for these people, they won’t stop. It makes me fear for the financial security of this country and the people in it.

There are other serious fundamental problems with this country, not just the inequality of punishments for crimes. I think if we want to stay established as a great country, we have a lot of work to do. People have the foolish notion that the United States is infallible as a world super power. That’s a mistake, and a grave one. There have been thousands of cultures, countries, and peoples that thought they were great and unbeatable. And, they were great. But they have fallen.

After house sitting for the last week and a half, I'm finally home. I enjoyed the quiet (well, semi-quiet) of being alone. My sister's damn puppy barks ALL the time. Other than that though, I didn't mind it. I didn't really do a whole lot while I was there...I started crocheting a throw, started beading a bracelet, did homework, and watched Mad Men. Oh, and I started watching another series, Downton Abbey. They only had the first season, so I went through that quickly. I cleaned the kitchen....I don't know how they can live in that filth. It took me two hours to properly clean the kitchen!! O.o I guess none of them understand the concept of cleaning up as you go...because my sister's bathroom was also a disaster. And the toilets are gross. I don't know how people can live like that.

Anyway, I'm starting Insanity tomorrow. There's a meal guide included that has recipes for all your meals. From that, I wrote down everything I was interested in, and then from that list, I created my entire menu for this week, Monday thru Sunday, 5 meals a day. Then I created my grocery list and went grocery shopping. I must say, it's very nice going grocery shopping from a list...I've never truly done that before. Also, I am very proud of myself because I bought things that were only on my shopping list, nothing more. No junk food whatsoever. So tomorrow I start my work outs and eating 5 healthy meals a day. I'm SOOOO excited!!

Also, I bought the new SSX game. I am SOO excited to play it!!! I've been waiting for them to come out with a game for the PS3 for forever. I had damn near every SSX game for the PS2...I loved Tricky the most. Since I haven't hooked my PS2 up to my TV since I bought my TV 2 years ago, I've been missing those games. Maybe I should hook it up anyway, even though I have the new game. I don't know.

Anyway, that's the boring update on my normal, every day life...how is everyone?

I've never been good with this. Frequently, I get in trouble by saying something without really thinking about it. Sometimes words flow to my mouth without being filtered, and I guess the same is true when I comment on things.

@TheTheologiansCafe wrote a post about a girl who started dating her older teacher when she turned 18. He was her teacher when she was 15. I commented that it's gross. And generally, I DO think it's gross, but there's a reason for my thinking. When I was 13, I lived in an apartment building with my dad and sister. A 21 year old man moved into the apartment across the hall with a single mother and her 3 young children. Her older boy, probably about age 9, came over to my apartment one day and had me write a note to Curt. That was his name. In the note, I said I didn't know why the kid was making me write a note to him. Curt wrote back, and said the reason was because he had said that he likes me. So Curt and I wrote notes back and forth for a bit. He told me that he wanted to get me alone and kiss me. There was one time he did kiss me. My dad eventually found out about these letters, and he read them. He told Curt that he had to leave or the police would be called. So Curt left the apartment across the hall and I never saw him again. I've NEVER told ANYONE about this...because I became ashamed. Even though it wasn't my fault. Obviously, Curt was getting me to trust him so he could either try to have sex with me or rape me. Maybe. I mean, why would a 21 year old have any interest in a 13 year old?

Anyway, that's just my story. When I think about it without the context of my own story that's always in the back of my mind, I don't see a problem with age differences in relationships.

Then @DrakonFyre wrote a post about @chicbananas and her relationship with her husband, and I immediately felt terrible for my comment on Dan's post.

I met Fred, Kylie's husband 8 years ago, when I first started my Xanga. I was in a terrible state at that point in my life. I was going through a lot, and he helped me through some very hard times. He was always there when I wanted to kill myself, and talked me through it. I literally owe my life to him. We lost touch for a long time, and I occasionally talked to him. Then I found out that he had met Kylie, and I was very happy for him. I met Kylie, and thought she was amazing. I think that they both deserve each other, because they are both amazing people.

Kylie, I just want you to know that I'm very sorry for the comment on Dan's post, and in no way is that a reflection on your relationship. I've honestly never thought of it that way, because you're much more mature than others at that age. I meant no disrespect to you or Fred at all. I feel bad that you're hurt by the things that people have said, and I would be too if I were you. I've never thought of you as a homewrecker either, just so you know. <3

So I've found myself involved in the lives of the characters in Mad Men. After the first few episodes, I was wondering why people love the show so much, and I wasn't really into it. However, I found myself enthralled and I'm now into the second season, on the 6th episode, and I love the show. I can barely stop watching it.

But the point is, I just HAVE to comment on Christina Hendricks's figure. It's AH-mazing!! Sexy as hell, and I would absolutely love to have that figure. Every ensemble I've seen her in on the show so far is perfect. Also, I really like her character, Joan, which at first I didn't.

She left her heart in the freezer.

She didn't mean to. It just kind of happened, one day. She tried to warm it up. For a while. The microwave couldn't heat it up. The oven did nothing. She took the frozen thing in her hands. It was so, so cold.

He bumped into her and took it from her hands. He dropped it on the stone, where it shattered. She only watched it fall, in slow motion. From his hands. Passively wondering what she should do now.

She left it there, in a million pieces. Each piece held a part of her and she was lost. She wandered, for a long time. Through dark hallways and shadowed paths she stumbled along, clutzy without her heart. It was gone, and she had to learn how to survive. She didn't feel anything when she fell down. She only started to crawl to the finish line. Barely moving, inch by numb inch.

The hallways started growing less and less dark, and the paths less and less full of shadows. She found herself beside her heart again, broken and frozen. She stared down at it while the dawn came near.

Someone came alongside her. He stared for a while at her heart. He bent down and started repairing it, piece by cold piece. The fragments started warming in his hands. Sometimes he destroyed her heart again, only to see if she would repair it on her own this time. She tried but fumbled with shaking hands. He put his hands over hers and continued rebuilding it.

Soon, she saw that it was whole and warm and open. She wondered how it had happened. She peered at her heart, resting carefully in his hands. It was beating and alive. She wondered for how long.

She feared leaving her heart in the freezer again.

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I've been thinking about putting all of my shorts into a little anthology and selling it online as an ebook. Do you think it would do well?

By the way, this one is a repost

So, I've had my Nook for a while now, probably about a month...but I hadn't done much. I downloaded a couple of games and a few books, subscribed to two magazines. The other night I was browsing the ebooks under $5 and free ebooks. I was a bit surprised that there was erotica, but I shouldn't have been. I didn't pause at any of them, because they were all rated 3 stars or less, so I didn't bother, thinking they were badly written.

Tonight, I decided to take a look at a couple of them, and read the reviews. I was quite irritated when I read them. The point of reviewing and rating a book is NOT to complain that it's disgusting or not your style. You know very well what it is, so why bother downloading it and "reviewing" it? It's sad for the author to have to have poor customer ratings on their work simply because people are rating it that shouldn't be. The REAL reviews rated the work 4 or 5 stars. So I downloaded 6 of the stories. I only "bought" the free ones, though. I've read two of them so far, and the writing isn't bad at all.

Anyway, the point of this rant is, if the book isn't your style in some way or if you find the material disgusting, DON'T FUCKING RATE IT AT ALL. It's NOT your job to tell readers that they supposedly shouldn't be reading it, and that it's immoral or whatever. If I had my erotica published, I would be pissed that those people were leaving those "reviews." Maybe you get used to it, but I would think there's a difference between a harsh review that's REAL about your work and a "review" that's simply complaining about the "nasty trash."

/end rant