December 28, 2010
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I’m Sick
I know this. And yet, I can’t find it within myself to stop. I wasn’t going to. I was, but then I decided not to. Then when I was getting tired and thought about going to bed, I saw the blade. I just picked it up and make a few quick slices. Then a few more. Then a deeper one. Then a few more quick ones. And a deeper one again.
The whole time I wondered if I was doing the right thing, and thinking that now I can’t wear my pants with the hole right there. It burns and stings. It will burn and sting more when I take a shower in the morning. And it will hurt when I wear my jeans tomorrow and the coarse material rubs my leg. But that’s what I wanted. I want the reminder there. I want it to hurt. I want to bleed out the toxic acid in my body. This is a start, but not nearly enough.
I just want everything to go away.
It’s times like these when I truly think I was fooling myself into happiness. It doesn’t exist for people like me, does it? I was fooling myself with silly hopes and dreams and things that could never possibly be.
I just wish everything would stop.
“All around me are familiar faces/worn out places/worn out faces…Hide my head/I wanna drown my sorrow/no tomorrow no tomorrow/I find it kinda funny/I find it kinda sad/the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had/I find it hard to tell you/I find it hard to take/when people run in circles it’s a very very mad world…went to school/I was very nervous/no one knew me no one knew me/hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson/look right through me look right through me” – Mad World, Gary Jules (I’ve never heard the Tears for Fears version, but I like this one)
Comments (11)
Remember to breathe.
If I really was to give you advice one day you probably would not like it.
No, I think that you would not like it at all.
I wish there were words that someone could say to make it all better. I wish I knew those words if they did exist. I always want to make people feel better when they go through something that makes them feel this bad, but I never can find the right words.
hugs! youre okay, i promise.
@bloodbreath - Agree with this one breathe one second at a time.
But I do know I care about your well being.Be strong, happiness will come.
@bloodbreath - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MMc3f588yc
People who talk down about themselves because self-harm makes them feel better make me sick. You aren’t sick.
No You Are Not Sick!
@None_May_Have_Her - I don’t want to make you mad because I consider you a friend, but I’ve been sitting here for a few minutes trying to figure out what you mean. It didn’t make me feel better. I don’t know what I was feeling. It was like a trance when I did it. I said I’m sick because I feel mentally ill, and not necessarily because I hurt myself. I feel like I’m not explaining myself very well and now I feel anxious.
{@crazy2love} No need to worry about pissing me off, because I’m a friend I likely won’t get mad at you. Having a mental disorder doesn’t mean you are sick exactly, it’s really not your fault. I get pissy when people write about “oh I cut myself!” or “i fucking hate myself!” because it’s something that happens to everyone, maybe not the cutting. But everyone goes through disliking themselves in one form or another, I have been in that phase for the past few months and just fought my way out of it through loads of tears and screaming. I understand needing support and coming to a point where you simply have to ask because no one can see you are suffering. I just feel you are too smart to be talking like this I guess and it makes me pout. It does make me angry but not at you, at what you’ve had to go through. In order to better yourself you must find what need changing, there is nothing wrong with that. About happiness, well, that’s something you’ve got to manufacture yourself. No one is going to go out of their way to make you happy and life is never fair for the most part, it’s up to US to decide what we want and to take it. There is so much bothering me all the time, if I stop to think about it right now it will take over, instead of worrying about things I can’t do anything about I’m drawing as much joy out of what I’ve got. I’ve been without so I am pretty decent when it comes to taking the good for all it’s worth. Our happiness is more intense because of our ability to feel sorrow, that means it takes more to get there and that when we get there, we get way more out of it. I hope that helps some.