September 6, 2010
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My Confession
I’ve posted about my various eating disorders before. It’s no surprise. But I haven’t explained in detail my recent ana tale.
It’s true I am a fatass. You can’t tell me otherwise, because you are wrong. Evidence:
In the past I’ve I’ve had issues with not eating. One summer I hate barely an apple a day for a week. That was the summer my mom kept calling me fat. I was about 11. I think.
My mom started calling my sister fat a few years ago. Taylor was not fat. She was a little chubby, but she was a kid…like 12 and 13. So then my sister started throwing up. “But mom does it.” Then she started not eating. The kids at school teased her for being “fat.” She started excessively exercising. And not eating as much as she should. She’s obsessed with eating salads and she doesn’t eat red meat.
I never went through this like my sister did, because she lived with my mom. I didn’t back then, and haven’t been. But still, I’ve gone through my phases of not eating.
And again, now. Ever since I hit puberty I’ve been a huge, ginormous gelatinous mass of disgustingness. You’re not going to change my mind on this. Stop lying to me and tell me the truth. Okay, I’m sort of pretty… maybe even beautiful to some. But being relatively pretty doesn’t mean anything if there’s a giant chunk of mass attached. How can I feel beautiful when I’m ginormous? I can’t. Fuck losing weight the “healthy” way. It doesn’t work for me. The only time I’ve lost weight is when I barely eat. I despise my body. It’s not beautiful. It’s fucking disgusting.
I won’t be happy with it until I’m thin. I like being lightheaded, feeling like I’m about to pass out. Sometimes the hunger is too much to bear. When I get dizzy from lack of food I know that I’m winning. But I won’t be victorious unless I look like these girls:
When social services came to my mom’s last weekend, my mom got all defensive and started spouting off on every thing that’s wrong with my sister. “She has eating disorders and everything else.” Fuck you, mom. It’s YOUR fault.
So go ahead and flame me. Tell me I’m wrong. You’re not going to change my mind. I would rather die by starving myself than be a tub of lard. I’m lightheaded right now, and I’m not going to eat.
Comments (31)
I’m not going to flame you. I’m just going to say: good luck. If you want to get to a smaller weight, then that’s what you want. All I ask is that you at least be careful, when you do it. You know?
I know that has to upset you, but be strong and don’t let this bring you down! *hugs*
try water fasting. I did it for a week, and you feel a lot better after the first few days than you do if you just eat a little.
Do it the healthy way, if you don’t.. you’ll gain it all back plus a hardy bonus.
I can relate. I feel the same. I feel gigantic and can never lose weight.
I have often wondered what it would be like to be thin. I lack the enthusiasm in anything to go to any extremes. I agree with blueskye.
P.S. You are beautiful.
What compels her to inject that kind of belittling to your sister? Its just so blatantly wrong that she’d have to be living on another planet to not realize the negative effects.
Something is wrong with your mom. She did it to you and now she is doing that to your sister. You need to find a friend who can go walking with you or ride bikes with you. Start slow. But anyway, if you feel like you need to lose weight, do it for you, not for those unrealistic photos you posted. You love music, so turn it up loud and dance.
whatever ya do, please don’t wind up killing yourself trying to lose the weight
(((((hugs)))) i can empathize what with my own self esteem and food issues, it ain’t easy but i wish you the best!! myself? i found losing 240 pounds of basterd helped( he always made me feel horrid about extra weight) then lo and behold i met kynddaddy and he tells me daily how beautiful i am, i think he is crazy i have eyes and can see the jiggly belly but it does make me feel nice to hear and what a difference it makes. and FYI you are beautiful!!!
Parents can sure mess kids up.
Aw, well that certainly is a passion I hear in your voice. I don’t agree with you at all and I am often in internal debate about my looks. In my own life my girlfriend and I both feel we are fat and gross, as lots of girls do, but we find each other terribly beautiful and sexy. So how can I say I’m horrible but she is sexy? We are nearly the same looking I think. Anyway, I wish you the best with feeling this way. I hate to see blogs like this but I have felt such a way myself. I hope you can see that having a concave stomach doesn’t reveal the beauty that shines through your heart, cliche or lame, whatever you’d like, but it’s the truth. <3
I wrote a long piece here saying how fucking gorgeous you already are but, fuck, if it’s not going to do any good, what’s the use? Do what makes you most happy.
This isn’t a flame. I’m not even going to tell you you’re wrong, because I know it’s pointless.
I am going to offer a hug, and tell you… I’m trying to lose weight the healthy way. Wanna be buddies?
@betterdesigned - Nothing is ever done or said in vain. It’s just a bad day.
@quodmenutriut - What’s the healthy way?
@crazy2love - eating small, healthy portions of food and exercising. I’m trying (desperately trying) to lose weight and not give in to the eating disordered habits, you know?
@quodmenutriut - i don’t have money this week to buy groceries. I have literally $10 until Friday.
@crazy2love - I hear that.
I’m sorry.
you don’t need to go out and buy diet food.. you probably have oatmeal somewhere.
I agree with the others. do it healthy. Starving yourself like that, you’ll lose muscle too. Better to eat protein and veggies and walk. You’ll be surprised how well it’ll work. Personally, I would prefer if society looked more at a persons insides than the outside, but we both know they never will. BTW I would kill for your eyes. Gorgeous.
your cute. do it the healthy way. 20 min of walking and small portions of food and lots of water. we don’t want you so lightheaded that you can’t even write a blog.
I can’t say anything that hasn’t already been said. Big hug.
Awwww sweetie. I grew up in the same house. Example: My parents just bought ANOTHER scale so now we have 1 at each entrance to the kitchen. You have to step on it to come in.
I know you are beautiful. If you want to lose weight then do it for you. No one else. I also want to lose weight. I have done it the unhealthy way before. I want the endurance back. Good luck.
*hugs*
I wish you all the luck in reaching your weight goals, and being healthy. HUGS
Having done the anorexia thing (not the proudest time in my life…) I can honestly say that I wish you weren’t doing this. I realized it only all too late. You won’t be able to just stop one day when you’re skinny enough because you won’t even know what ‘skinny enough’ is. When you look in a mirror you’ll only see fat regardless of if it’s there or not. It’s something you realize all too late. And I hope it’s something you never have to realize at all. :
um, i don’t want to upset you or anything, but i am fat myself,and thinking back, i realized the disorder started because i was very depressed at one time – perhaps you can think back and locate that stinky thing that started it all? i mean, if you don’t deal with that your disorder is very difficult to get rid off.
GOOD LUCK =)
BUGGEST HUG TO you!!!
FUCKING BRAVO! at least you choose do do something about it, you understand you CAN do something about it! I SICK of all these fat fucks who don’t do anything about it, eat what they want, exercise limited to walking to the kitchen (if they dont own a powerchair… those are a whole different pile of fail)
lose weigh or starve to death, either way, you improve the world. i wish the good luck.
I know the world’s view is shallow and unchangeable, but I value people for who they are inside. I wish you valued that in yourself. Too many people assume that the body reflects what it holds.
You have the most beautiful blue eyes. I know blue eyes are common in the mid-west, but on the East Coast they are so rare and gorgeous. Flaunt them!