*This isn’t poor me. This is a brutally honest and raw look into my mind and how I feel about myself*I often don’t like myself. I even hate myself sometimes. I can’t bear to look at myself in the mirror. I hate my fat face, I hate my fat arms, I hate my fat stomach. I hate my stocky jock legs. I hate that I have like no neck. I hate my big boobs. I hate that I’m loud and obnoxious. I hate the sound of my voice. I hate my Minnesota accent. I hate my top lip. I hate the back of my neck. I hate how I treat people sometimes. I hate that I remind myself of my mother far too often. I hate my life. I hate that I am too afraid to live. I hate my fat ass.
I am unworthy of anyone’s love and kindness. I am not a good person sometimes. Everything that’s buried deep inside me from my horrible life comes out in a volcano sometimes. Everything erupts and I take it out on the wrong people. It’s not your fault, I’m just damaged goods. I sometimes feel such a deep loathing for myself that I wish I could be somebody else. Just rip myself out of my skin and put someone else’s on. Someone else’s shoes.
I won’t ever be thin. My shoulders are too wide and my rib cage is too large. My legs are too muscular. And I hate it. Maybe I’ll starve myself down anyway. Maybe my bones will shrink with my fat. Maybe I’ll just waste away to nothing. I’m not worth it anyway. I’m not worth anyone’s love, remember?
He’s too good for someone like me. Me and my baggage would weigh him down until he hated me, like I hate me. He deserves better than what I can give him. As I write this, I have a lump in my throat, because I know it’s true.
No one should end up with a broken person like me, because there’s no fixing me. I can’t be put back together again. I am not Humpty Dumpty. My heart already has too many holes from the missing, broken pieces. Those voids will never be filled with love, only darkness. Only darkness.
I know there are people that care about me, but I don’t deserve it. I truly don’t.
From now on, it’s only fresh fruits and veggies. No more processed foods of any kind. I will die first. Maybe that would be better anyway.
People always say that you should have confidence and love yourself. I don’t. I never will, not really. I can pretend, but it will never be true. Ever.
Comments (20)
Losing weight will only get you so far. After that, you have to deal with what you have. You have to accept it and eventually learn to love it.
Sorry, I’m usually better at this stuff but I feel exactly the same way right now.
rough night, I’m sorry to hear it. Did you guys break up?
well, here’s a rec for someone who knows what to say.
@Diva_Jyoti - No, we were never dating. Just someone I wish I could be with.
@crazy2love - Ah, I really thought you were with a guy. Or somebody.
Listen to me missy.
I’ve been trying to keep up with most of your writing, and I must say before I fully explain myself.
This has to be one of my favorate, even though in better terms
Why? Because this is EXACTLY! How i feel, and have felt in all my life.
Even when i look at my old pictures, when i was becoming a bit more chubbier, and finally today probably the worst i’ve ever been.
But honestly, i look at everyone around me, i look at myself and i compare myself to the differences in everyone
The different appearances, features, packages, tones, styles, etc…and i feel ugly most of the time, i see certain people that i feel and look so unattractive, but you know what, i look deep inside, not only talking about the inside, but i look at them individually…and i see beauty
I see uniqueness, individuality…everything about them, people that condemn themselves as ugly, ARE actually NOT!
And i mean, absolutely NOT ugly at all! People always have certain unusual yet so independent to themselves. For example a girl with a giant bird-like nose, yet at the same time have extremely beautiful crystal-like icey blue eyes…you zoom out of their picture frame and you see something totally different…you see abstract art, that is the persons character and independent beauty.
And when i first saw your new display, maybe not new, but its the first time i stumbled across it
And i could honestly ADMIT; you have a unique look to yourself.
The first thing i noticed about your Xanga default picture were your eyes, at the width and the slight elegant curve that you carry with your eyes and the color. It totally just makes your entire features stand out. A very romantic color in your eyes. 2nd thing, is the bridge of your nose, i absolutely love the curvaceous artistic bone structure that it comes, just representing the relevance in your eyes and against your cheeks. Another favorite feature, are, and yes i will state, even if you totally disagree with me…but your lips the front part especially, is just absolutely adorable. It reminds me of a porcelain doll that i use to have. I use to have a porcelain doll with similar lips as you have
one day my brother was really angry so he broke my porcelain doll in pieces and he called it the ugliest thing. The girls in my neighborhood use to be envious of my porcelain doll and so when they saw it put back together in pieces, they called it the most hideous doll they’ve ever seen. My parents would always try to buy me a new one, but i always refused too…because i felt just like the doll as i was growing up. I didn’t talk to anyone, no one really noticed me, and the doll reminded me so much of myself. I loved that doll, and one day my aunt visits me, she is a former doll maker, and she noticed my attachment to my broken doll, and she became inspired.
One day while i was sleeping, she took my doll from under my arms, and stayed all night rebuilding her face, her hands, her body, and her legs…i wake up the next morning and i see a new doll under my arms…i cried, screamed, pulled a tantrum. My aunt was frightened at my frantic self, i screamed for my old doll back, and she tried to calm me down and told me that was it, that was Elizabeth my broken doll…
And i was just shocked, i told her i liked her the way she is, and she told me, she didnt change anything but made a few adjustments, she simply pieced it together back properly and repainted her scars…and she told me anything broken can always be fixed again. When the girls saw my doll, they oowed and awed at my “New” doll, and i simply told them, this was still Elizabeth, and they were all jaw-dropped.
The hypocrisy existed in their expressions.
You shouldn’t feel that way about yourself. I’ve lived with my entire life, hopelessly romantic for a mans love, wanting to be loved & accepted for i am, and how i am. I depended so much in somebody loving me, than loving myself. Instead of pessimistically loathing ourselves for the little things you feel that could improve, we should cherish our individual beauty, the beauty that counts is within ourselves…
The facial features we do cherish about ourselves. Our wills and our powers to hold on.
So next time you look in the mirror, don’t discourage yourself, love yourself.
Because quite honestly, I really do think your beautiful.
Remember it girl, we’re all different and beautiful and thats what makes us awesome
Well, you could never go wrong with honesty. Now, that you face the truth, change can be in order. Right?
I love your
*your pretty eyes
*your pretty voice
*your giant boobies
*your rosy pink cheeks
*your nice smile
*your pretty lips
*your cool hair
*your nice chin
*your pretty and nicely shaped nose
*and your big vibrant personality
*and your nice peaches n cream complexion
hugs
I seriously think we have the same heart!(damaged and broken)– I feel you, girl! love ya!!! I think you’re beautiful!!
This made me tear up. I hate the fact that you’re so hard on yourself. I have days when I want to unzip my skin and leave it on the bathroom floor before leaving the house because I find it to be so atrocious and flawed.
You’re spectacular. You truly are.
We all feel that way sometimes. Not everybody in the world, maybe, but I know I hate myself now and then, and I know that Kylie feels a lot more like this post than I would like to think, a lot more often than I like. I know sometimes she doesn’t think she deserves love or deserves me and those times scare me, because I know how amazing she is and how wonderful and powerful and I want her to believe what I believe and see in her what I see in her.
So don’t think you don’t deserve him. With all that you’ve come from, all that you faced growing up, the fact that you’re standing here now is an amazing accomplishment. You’re building a life for yourself, by yourself. You’re a conqueror and you, like everyone who struggles through life trying her hardest to be a good person, you deserve a companion. Let him decide if you deserve him. If he decides that you do, then show him the respect of trusting his decision. If he doesn’t, then let him go and move on. Someone will. Just keep being you.
My favorite thing about moving to the mid-west from Pennsylvania are the accents. You should be excited to have an accent
Furthermore, men are idiots. And I really hope that you will realize that you are beautiful. And blessed. And that one day someone will appreciate you for exactly who you are, ribcage and all.
It is hard but you just have to forgive yourself for not being perfect. I have felt just like you many times and still struggle with it often. The list of things I hate about me is longer than the list of things I love. We are all just trying to make our way in this world and we are bombarded with false images of perfection. No one can measure up. But you are a wonderful person with a heart of gold. You have such high value. You are a creation of God Himself, and He loves you so much He would rather die than not have you with Him in heaven. I love you too. What you are is so much more than your body. That is just a tent. The best of your life is yet to come, and I am sure that you will reach great heights. Hang in there, it gets better!
ps~ I hate a lot of the same things about myself… except my accent, lol! Viva MN!
I go through phases. Sometimes I feel this exactly. Sometimes I feel like I’m on top of the world. Not sure if the roller coaster is any better.
I want to tell u so bad that everything will be ok,but from the way my life is going im not sure what the end is,could things really get better?? Anyways,this is about u right now and not me so i will get to the point.Girl as soon as i looked at your picture i felt a strong positive vibe,like i was looking at someone who would make a whole room light up as you would walk in!! You have a very pretty face and an outstanding glow.Im so sorry that u feel so bad about urself,u really beat urself up hard.I feel the same way about myself as well so i can relate on how u feel.Please believe all the people who commented on your post,your a beautiful person.If u ever need to chat feel free to send me a message. ~Shannon
I don’t know if this was in my subconscious, but all of a sudden, I wrote about honesty as well. Hehe!
You really shouldn’t be so hard on yourself…
@Ampersands_Anonymous - I think I know that. But sometimes I think I would have so much more confidence if I were thin. I only bought fruits and veggies grocery shopping today. I bought 2 plums, 2 peaches, an apricot, 2 (very large) red grapefruit, 3 tomatoes, some baby carrots, strawberries, blackberries, raspberries, and a mango, because I’ve never had one.
@Diva_Jyoti - No, it’s only someone I really wish I could be with =[
@lovelyxlolita - Thank you so much for everything you’ve said about my features. I’m very self-conscious about them. I understand what you’re saying about your broken doll. But sometimes when a person is broken, the tiny pieces that matter get lost in the cracks in the floor. They get lost under something then swept up and thrown away. That’s how I feel, and I know a lot of other people feel this way. I suppose it’s the backlash of never feeling love from another person, and never loving yourself. In the back of my mind, I know that you are right. But the shadows in the front tell myself that I am wrong. Sometimes it feels like I will never win this battle within myself.
@ShimmerBodyCream - You are so nice to me, and I really love you for that. You are often the sunshine upon my day, Shimmer (I am truly ashamed to admit that I do not know your real name).
@ksnomad - Hugs back my friend, hugs back.
@amandajoy0514 - Thank you so much sweetie.
@SodomyClown - Aww hun, don’t tear up, don’t be sad because of me. I know you understand how I feel too. I think you’re spectacular too. Why can’t we ever see in ourselves what others see in us? Why do we always see just the horrible things, or twist them into something worse than it truly is? I don’t think any of us are as bad as we think ourselves to be, but for some reason or another, we mangle ourselves because someone has already started to do it. We just finish it. I think you are so awesome, and the way you think is amazing to me. You inspire me to find different ways to say things… but I don’t think my brain is as creative as yours.
@Airborne_Muse - You are amazing, and so is Kylie. You’ve seen me through some of my worst, and it brings me to tears when you and others tell me how far I’ve come in recent years. I never really realize it unless someone says something to me about it. I obviously have my moments of self-doubt, but comments like yours help me realize my potential… what I’ve done, and what I can do. Thank you SO much for everything you’ve done for me, and continue to do for me. Kylie is awesome, and you two deserve each other.
@shanny1313 - Thank you so much for your wonderful comment. It means a lot to me.
@mtngirlsouth - Thank you for everything you’ve said. I think the image of perfection is so ridiculous, but I sometimes secretly wish I could be “that person.” I know there’s no such thing as perfection, and dreaming of it only leads to disaster. I know that with everything I’ve been through, I can conquer so much, but the image of myself never seems to be one of the things I can overcome. Maybe some day I will truly believe that this body is just a vessel for my spirit.
@apennieformythoughts - No broken hearts! My past dictates my thoughts far too much. I know that your past will always be a part of who you are, but it shouldn’t play the lead role in the now and the future. It’s been really hard for me to get past all of it, and some things I am still working on. Sometimes I feel like I will never be completely whole.
@bloodbreath - I go through those phases too. It’s very unpleasant.
@shannon717717 - Thank you for your lovely comment. I’ve really been trying to work on myself and my self esteem. Sometimes it seems like I go nowhere, or jump backwards.
@SliverLines - I try, but sometimes it doesn’t work so well.