December 13, 2009
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The REAL Reason [126]
This subject is being brought up because of one of the featured posts about stores carrying plus size clothing.
I am overweight. I may even be obese, I don’t know. The fact of the matter is, how much I weigh is kind of irrelevant. I have A LOT of muscle. I think muscle mass weighs 3x more than fat mass. With my arms, I can lift about 80 pounds (which is pretty good for a female). My legs are huge, and they are not all fat. My legs are mostly muscle. My calves are HUGE. I have jock legs.
Anyway.
Most of you know about my childhood. When I was a child, I was molested for a period of time. As I got older, I let myself gain more weight than was healthy. I’ve recently discovered the reason for this. It’s going to sound psychotic, but it’s true: I don’t want to be raped/molested again. I don’t want to be attractive. I do not want to be the victim. Men don’t rape fat women… do they?
I will never be a size zero. My hip bones are too wide for that anyway.
The reason I’m bringing this up is because shopping for clothes is awful. I can buy regular jeans. I normally wear a size 13 in juniors, depending on the brand. But shirts….ugh shirts. I have big boobs. Trying to find a shirt that fits these 40D monsters is exhausting. Plus…yeah my stomach is not skinny minny. Mostly the problem is my boobs though. I can’t buy shirts that are designed so you can see where you’re boobs are supposed to go. Even trying on a XL or XXL….everything is distorted because of my boobs…even in a “normal” shirt. IT IS A FUCKING CURSE HAVING BIG BOOBS. Don’t even get me started on bras…HA! Kohl’s discriminates against people who have boobs bigger than 38D. Try finding an INEXPENSIVE cute bra that’s size 40D :/
Anyway. I end up leaving the store depressed and frustrated to tears.
So. I’ve been starting to lose weight. I’ve stopped eating out all the time. I’m lucky if I eat out once a week, versus almost every day. I’m eating LESS. Meaning portions and the number of times I open the fridge in a day. I’ve cut down on the amount of pop I drink. I HATE exercising, but I started playing DDR today. I was there for about an hour. Now I just need to start eating healthier foods.
Maybe I’m somehow getting over my paralyzing fear of being raped.
Will my boobs get smaller if I lose weight??? I was thinking about a breast reduction anyway… when I can afford it.
The areas I want to lose weight: my face/neck, under arms, stomach, and inner thighs. Oh. And BOOBS.
Comments (43)
Those are awesome goals. I found your xanga randomly through a featured one of yours and this is the 2nd post I’ve read.
I think it takes a lot of guts to explore your past as well as explore how the past has affected and altered your life — so kudos on that. I wasn’t molested, persay, as a young adult, but I was exploited and taken advantage of numerous times. Mostly it was because I didn’t have the self confidence or strength in myself to say no.
I have since gained more weight than I would have liked to and my BMI is the largest number it can be to be in the “Normal” weight range for my height. It was pretty cool to stumble across this blog because like you, I’ve started to cut down on pop, become a bit more active, and have tried to eat at home rather than eating out every meal. And, I’m still trying to find & buy healthier foods. (For example, started to buy ground turkey rather than ground beef. There isn’t much difference in pro’s for your health, but its a start..?)
So, just wanted to let you know that your blog was the thing I totally needed to read right now. Something I needed to keep me going on my struggle with this weight gain stuff. And wanted to wish you good luck & tell you I think you can do anything you set your mind to
Well Im really not trying to scare you, but a rapist is a rapist and I know someone who is 3x and has been a victim, granted she was sleeping on the street homeless – but she never saw it comming and I got the call. Weight has nothing to do with it….=(. I never knew about that when you were a kid, If I have read it before, I guess for whatever reason it didnt sink in.
To me though, your reason for loosing weight sounds very good, if I couldnt find clothes that fit me, I would go crazy. Expecially scince I have to try clothes on before I buy them (I read a topic on this before and they said they had been refferred to online shopping). I think its bad that stores dont have correct clothes for all customers… =(. But Im glad your loosing weight for a good reason, and for yourself.
Keep us updated =)
-Nelle
Oh, & PS– my sister had D’s and she’s recently started to lose weight by doing exactly what you are starting to do (she cut out pop, become active, and has stopped eating shit food & just eats healthier options) and she has lost 15-25 lbs. Her boobs have shrunk too! I don’t know exactly how much, but its been a noticeable amount!
@alibaby3203 - Sweet! Glad to hear it! Eating out and pop are SO terrible! I’ve gained so much weight from those two things…but I’ve been changing. It’s been at least 3 months since I’ve eaten out regularly!
@wolvenchic - I know, it’s completely irrational to get fat because I didn’t want to be raped. But it was psychological because it happened to me when I was so young, so I’ve had all kinds of crazy affects from being molested. =[ Yep, I’m doing this for me. I just want to be healthy.
Breasts are comprised of attipose tissue (fat) and milk glands. Fat is all they are! If you lose weight your breats should shrink. It’s not likely that they will remain the same size but it does happen for some women. You’re lucky though. My boobs are 38DD!
and they keep growing! I’ve made jokes that they will be the reason for the 2012 apocolypse lol. And I don’t think you wanting to make yourself unattractive because you’re scared to be raped is psychotic at aaaaall. It’s actually very justifiable considering your past. It’s not crazy but it is unhealthy so it’s awesome that you’ve recognized your destrucive behavior and you’re taking steps towards correcting it. Major props to you for that.
I feel what you’re saying in my heart. I went through the same issues from very early childhood and for 17 years I was thin but aggressive. I feel the same way you do. If I’m fat no man will look at me therefore I won’t get hurt.
When it comes to shopping for clothes…OMG who designs these things REALLY! I have the apple shape body now. Nice legs and nice arms but round in the middle; and a 40DD on top…oh shit…nothing looks right on me. I will begin to wear moomoos (IDK how to spell that lol)
There are a TON of survivors who gain weight in the hopes (conscious or otherwise) that they won’t be victimized again. You are definitely not crazy.
I spent about $300 on TWO bras, so your shopping pain is felt!
I feel your pain in terms of big boobs. For years I thought I was a DD, but several months ago I went to get a proper fitting. Nope. FF.
Congrats on working to lose weight. I think lots of times people focus just on weight, but it sounds like you’re focusing on the big picture of being healthy in general. Good for you!
The irony of reading this. Weren’t we on this subject about “being fat” last night?
Anyways, you already know my 2 cents upon that part, but it is great that you’re setting out goals for yourself and reaching them.
Dorkface (Yeah, I went there), you are an amazing person both inside and out and given that I’m just now talking to you one and one instead of just reading your blogs, my opinion still stays the same. To be doing something that maybe others in your position would probably rather just say “Fuck it.” and not do it, makes you that much more stronger. You are unique and you have strength within you. <3
I’ll be surprised if this made much sense at all since I just woke up. Lol
best of luck! my moms paying me to lose weight haha
Ok, so TMI warning for anyone who doesn’t want to read about the specifics of my body.
I’ve always had a large chest size for my body size. I know exactly what you mean about stupid shirts! I have a long torso in addition so while my boobs pull my shirts up high, my long torso leaves even more of my undesirable belly exposed. I’m no skinny mini but, not exactly “fat” ATM. about 15-20lbs over ideal I’d say. My weight has gone up and down since high school. 2 pregnancies, dieting, binging, ect. Breastfeeding has of course not done good things for the boobs either. The largest my boobs have been while NOT breastfeeding is a 36 E. I was around 160lbs at that time and probably a size 11 juniors. However, imagine that same 36 E while breastfeeding but a size 7 pants (thats where I was this summer). NOTHING fit…. including bras. Still wearing flimsy sports bras instead of regular bras and have been for over a year.
Anyway, I’m straying from my point here…. What I was going to tell you is how weight loss and chest size has gone for me. If I’m anything over a size 6 or 7 juniors (jeans) my boobs remain pretty much the same (I’m about a 34 D to DD depending on brand and fit when I’m around that jeans size (about 138lbs). Then something magical happens at around 136lbs…. my boobs start shrinking like crazy. At one point a few years ago I had dieting down to a size 3 juniors (128lbs) and could fit into a 32C. I NEVER thought I’d EVER fit in a C. As soon as I gained 5-8 lbs back I was right back at a full D though. So for me, weight loss does little for the boobs until my BMI is quite low. A size 3 was unhealthy for my body type. I have an athletic frame and up until recently after becoming ill I’d always had a high muscle content. At 128 at my height, my midsection looked about the same as an average girl of the same height who weighted closer to 118-122lbs. I think my ideal, healthy weight is around 133-135lbs… which would put me in a size 5 juniors with still a full D unfortunatly.
I feel very uncomfortable with a large chest and totally understand your discomfort as well. I feel like a target, like I want to hide them… and for the most part I do. I mash them under a sports bra and avoid tight shirts. You’ll NEVER catch me sporting any cleveage. I felt really good about them and comfortable in almost any clothing that short time I was a C but, those days are no more and were very hard to maintain (half starving). After having my son I dieted again (because I’d hit an all time high weight by the time he was 2 months old) and dropped back down to about 142 (now gained some back and about 150). From 167 where I started to 142 where the dieting peaked before quitting I hadn’t lost enough fat from my breasts to fall a full cup size (keep in mind that I’m breastfeeding this entire though… so I may have lost a cup size if I hadn’t been).
Hope something I’ve said can be useful to you… otherwise I just aimlessly talked about my boobs for 3 paragraphs.
@DessertHer - Actually, that was very helpful, thank you! Now I look even more forward to losing weight!
@talhashahidk - Thanks =]
@XxTransJayBoyxX - Yes, it made sense =]
@FoundOutAboutYou - FF?! Oh no. Don’t you have horrible back pain??
@Tiger11007 - Nothing looks right on me either. Around the house I just wear huge tshirts. Ugh!
@Ampersands_Anonymous - Thank you!
@crazy2love - Well I’m glad it made sense. At least someone gets me while I’m still waking up in the brain area.
You shouldn’t think like that your special! You should try looking on the internet for clothes! I knoe Tyra Banks has a Plus size line ..check that out!
Inexpensive cute bras in those sized above a 38C can be bought online via Wet Seal. I think they do up to a 44D which is awesome. XD
@pawnshop_heart - Really?? OMG I didn’t know! Now I’m going to shop…ugh like I need to spend any more money!
@crazy2love - They just started carrying them so the selection is quite small but it’s there!
I have 34DD so I understand your plight w/ finding cheap bras, it’s near impossible.
Yes, you’re boobs will get smaller as you loose weight b/c besides the mammary glands, your boobs are made of fat
I wouldn’t go on a diet b/c for the psychological reasons, it never works. B/c when you tell yourself you can’t have something, you want it even more (stress) and if/when you do cheat, you go overboard with it. It’s okay to still ‘cheat’ just try not to over do it when you do. Just focus on introducing healthier foods made in a variety of ways, drinking more water between meals versus with and toss the diet soda/snapple b/c the fake sugar is literally hazardous to your health.
When you mention the fact that you do things in order to avoid attraction from the opposite sex I understand because I do that too. I used to/still do pick at my face until there are sores on my cheeks, chin, and forehead. I never understood the reason why, since my skin is clear from blemishes and seldom breaks out. I do it because subconsciously I don’t want people to look at me, at my face, or at any part of me. Making myself look hideous gives me an excuse for why it is so difficult for people to remain in my life. That way, the answer is simple: I am the girl with the sores on her face. It’s an easier pill to swallow than the realization that perhaps nobody wants anything to do with me.
I talked to a few friends about losing weight and my boobs. They said that If I wanted to loose my boobs, that loosing weight MAY help. Not a 100% sure.
But Good luck and by the way, men rape women because of the control and the power they get out of a woman. It’s not based on whether or not if you’re attractive or not.
@Manstration - I pick at my face too. Not so that I really have sores, but I pick at random zits and pimples and make them last longer than they should. I don’t have much of a problem with acne either, but I get zits every now and then. I didn’t even realize I did that until you mentioned it.
I love the profile pic =] I was going to watch a couple of the Saw movies a couple days ago.
Yay for you!! You’re awesome…don’t you ever dare think different. Hit me up if you ever need to talk. Been there done that on everything here.
Ugh. Losing fat on the arms is the most difficult, I hear. And I HATE my arms. lol. Even when the rest of me is 132 pounds of cute, my arms are still kinda fat (not real fat). But yeah..I’ll have to work those suckers out so they don’t decide it’s cool to be flabby.
Honestly, when you have a good bra, it’s no problem! After that shopping excursion I told my girlfriends my “new” cup size and they all said they never would have guessed they were that big. Yay!
good luck with this
Gee I don’t think it’s psychotic, I just think it’s sad. A lot of people here on Xanga have sad stories to tell, that I have noticed.
@forwhomthebelsentolls - Most people have sad stories. They feel comfortable sharing them here, because this might be the only place to spill secrets. Know what I mean?
people see me as skinny, but i see other imperfections.
@crazy2love - I just had a glass of wine and I will settle in and watch the fourth. I think I am far too big of a fan for my own good
My world is going to collapse when they finish the franchise next year.
boobs can be a hassle.
@crazy2love - Yes, definately. In fact, I have certain secrets which I don’t tell my Xanga friends.
I definately tell people on Xanga things that I would never mention to the people who work in my office. I also have very few social friends in the offline world.
Nobody in my family sees my Xangas. I actually have 2 of them now. My other Xanga is called WatchingLesbians. You may have seen it around because I post comments when I’m logged in under that name. I’ve had several other Xanga sites since 2004 and nuked them all. One time a very young woman who was a paralegal in my office set up a Xanga site and found my Xanga through the receptionist’s Xanga and flamed me anonymously. I was pissed off and now I only have 1 co-worker and 1 former co-worker as Facebook friends and ABSOLUTELY NO CO-WORKERS AS MYSPACE FRIENDS.
I have a lot of transsexual friends on one of my MySpace sites (I have 2 of those as well)…and I don’t want the file clerks in my office having more ammunition to use against me, you know?
This is kind of random and it has absolutely nothing to do with your life or the issues that you were talking about, I realize that.
I was raped.
just once… this summer. 17.
i don’t want to look nice sometimes.
sometimes, i want to smell. i want to wear icky clothes. i want to be revolting…
so, i understand.
A lot of people have blocked me on Xanga. They think I’m an asshole. I am well aware of this. Mostly they are people who are a lot younger than me but also some people closer to my age bracket have definately blocked me, there is always always always somebody hating on me on Xanga. Just like my junior high school class. If a cement mixer had run over my head they’d all laugh. Sounds psychotic? I think that sounds very realistic actually.
@lonelystrangergirl - I am so, so sorry. That’s so terrible. If you ever need to talk, message me. <3
Being healthy is always a good thing. But overweight or not, you’re a beautiful person.
I’m so sorry for everything you dealt with in your childhood and still have to deal with now.
There’s nothing wrong with eating out as long as you have the discipline to make healthy choices and stop when you’ve had enough. I ate out twice a day for 10 weeks this past summer and lost weight.
And yeah, shirts/bras suck.
I say, make your own clothes!
I FEEL YOU. Regarding the BOOBS thing. Ha. I wear a 36DD, and you are soooo right it is IMPOSSIBLE to find cute & inexpensive bras, anywhere! It’s ridiculous. And I understand the shirt thing, too. Nothing fits right because of these suckers! *sighh.
Yeah, I gave up the dream of being skinny. In high school I was anorexic and bulimic. When I was hospitalized (for depression), I was skin and bones. You could see every rib, etc. Even so, I was still a size 10. I have huge, thick bones. I’ll never be skinny. I can be smaller. I can be healthier, but I’ll never be skinny. And when I realized this, I finally started losing weight. I’ve set a reasonable goal and am reaching it.
Good luck to you.
I like that your changing for yourself rather than to make someone else happy. that alone is a good start, doing what makes you happy, and if the end result is being healthier than by all means. and loss of wait can sometimes result in your beast size reducing. hasn”t happened to me but yea its common.
I really agree with everything you are saying and doing to help yourself. But I really believe you will feel much better about who you are, if you find some good friends who will be there for you, and will go places with you. I do not like being lonely and afraid of going out by myself, instead I like to have friends around me, so I will have help when I need it.
I am alittle overweight, and have started exercising to lose my belly fat. Its not easy, because I get sore muscles, and I really want to look better and feel better. But I want to wear the other clothes in my closet that are too tight.
You are a real encouragement to me, to keep up my exercise. I had a cousin my age who died from diabetes, and a failing liver, and so his wife is single and his older children are without their father. Keep going!!