October 27, 2009

• Bad Drivers

  Now, if you’re new to my blog, then you don’t know that bad drivers irritate me. No, wait. That’s not right. It’s more than that. They down right infuriate me. I have a case of road rage that not quite crosses the line. So, I feel it is my duty to properly train people how to drive. I admit, I make mistakes sometimes, but not nearly as many as I see. I talk to “you,” but I’m not really talking to YOU, per se. I’m more talking to you, as in the general population…if you know what I mean! So, here it is. (If I have missed anything, let me know and I will add it (Also, driving in snow will get its own post )
  
  1. Slow People in the Fast Lane
  This one is #1 for a reason: it causes me the most anger. There are a couple of sub groups to this one to address.
  
  a. If you want to pass people in the slow lane, make sure you either go as fast as traffic in the fast lane wants to go or wait until there is a large gap in traffic.
  
  b. If people are merging onto the highway and you are in the slow lane, please do not change lanes into the fast lane. You have breaks or an accelerator. Use them.
  
  c. Cars have rear view mirrors for a reason. Check it often. If you are holding up a large line of traffic, please move the fuck over. I don’t care if we are passing the slow lane. If I want to go faster than you, please allow me to do so or I will shove your vehicle up your ass. You don’t own the road, you know
  
  2. Merging
  There are two kinds of merging (well, 3, but changing lanes will be later addressed. kthx): an on-ramp, and lane closures.
  
  a. When you are merging from an on-ramp, please enter the highway at the speed the traffic is moving. That means, you must find your accelerator. I can understand cloverleaves, so they are therefore exempt. But, if the speed limit is 65 mph and you enter the freeway going 30 or 40, I get rear ended and die, my ass is haunting you until the day you die. And into the afterlife. You better fucking prepare for an eternity of being haunted motherfucker. I don’t know how many times I encounter this, and it pisses me off every time. (Also, let people merge onto the highway. ALLOW people to merge.)
  
  b. If there is a lane closure and traffic is crawling and you have to merge into one lane, this is how it works: one car from the left lane goes, then one car from the right lane goes, then the left, then the right. Don’t be an asshat and not let anybody in. You might not be the only one in a hurry to get through traffic.
  
  3. Changing Lanes
  
  This one gets its own number because I don’t know how many times I’ve almost died or been ran off the road because people don’t know how to merge into a different lane without trying to hit my car. First, look in your rear view mirror and side mirror (if you’re going to be a pompous ass and ask which side, it will be be the side in which you want to change lanes. kthx). Turn your turn signal on. Check your mirrors again. CHECK YOUR BLIND SPOT. This means turning your head and physically looking out your car window. Change lanes. Turn your turn signal off. Congratulations. You have successfully changed lanes. I am so proud.
  
  4. If you are in the fast lane, please accelerate accordingly. I don’t want to get beaten by a semi in the slow lane after a stop light turns green. kthxbye
  
  5. JUST so you are aware, the left lane is the fast lane, the right lane is the slow lane. I don’t know about anywhere else, but in Minnesota, they actually have to post signs: “Slower Traffic Keep Right” and people STILL can’t get it right. Get a fucking clue.
  
  6. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF WHATEVER GOD YOU PRAY TO, do NOT leave enough space for a semi to fit in when you are at a stop light. A few feet is okay, but not THAT much space. If there is a lot of traffic, that is extremely rude. The same goes for stop and go traffic. AND when you are driving and there is heavy traffic but the pace is steady, DON’T leave enough space for 3 semi’s to fit in. JUST FUCKING UGH.
  
  7. You know, it’s called a turn lane for a reason. I’m not sure if you know this or not, but they give you enough time to slow down in the turn lane. So, it’s really not necessary to start braking long before your turn. You’re wasting the gas of the person behind you that ISN’T turning. They have to brake and accelerate up again after you actually get into the turn lane. That is VERY rude. ALSO, don’t slow down then be half in and half out of the turn lane. What the fuck are you doing that for?! Just get in the turn lane!!!!
  
  8. If traffic is moving too slow and it’s not my fault, DON’T ride my ass. I will stomp on the brakes (I’ve done it many times).
  
  9. If I move over into the slow lane to let you pass, DON’T move over with me and CONTINUE to ride my ass.
  
  10. Very old people should not be driving if they can’t handle it.
  
  11. If you can’t handle talking on your phone and driving at the same time, just don’t fucking do it. There are some talented people that can do both, but apparently there are millions of people who can’t. It’s like walking and talking at the same time. Figure it out.
  
  
  
  You know what, just get out of my way. And apparently George W. agrees.
  
  
  
  Also, when you Google Images middle finger, this photo is all over it:
  
  
  
  That is just one pissed off kid man.

  • 9:44 pm
  • 32 Comments