September 28, 2009

• My Xangan History

  This post is kind of long, you guys, but please bear with it to read my message….it’s worth it, I promise.

  If I had to sum up my Xanga experience in one word, I couldn’t do it. It would be damn near impossible. I suppose I would say ‘enlightening’.

  My first day on Xanga was October 8, 2003. For years, I treated my Xanga like a personal diary. I have had many physical diaries/journals in my day. Most of them I never wrote in all the pages. Xanga has an endless supply of pages that are free (for me, anyway). I went back and re-read some of my sad tale.

  This was my first entry ever:

  “I’m tired. I have to go out on the boat today, after school. Well, I’m getting out early, @ 2:00.

  I’m living at Miranda’s house, but I spent the night at my mom’s house last night. I did my nails, and it took forever.I painted them a dark brown, a pretty fall color. Taylor was asleep when I got there, so I don’t even know why I had to stay there. Mom wanted me to babysit her. I went there after work last night. I got a raise! But I don’t know how much until I pick up my check today. “Pay day pay day, hey, hey, what you say..I wanna get paid.” I’m goin to my dad’s house on Saturday. We’re renting 2 Fast 2 Furious and Dreamcatcher. I wonder if he got Hollywood Homicide. I love that movie. It’s hilarious.

  Lindsey’s cool.

  I don’t feel like writing “

  That’s some pretty juicy shit, yes? Haha. I discovered many things about myself, going back and reading some of my entries, including remembering just how depressed I was that year. That was the year I was sick of my mother’s cocaine habits and I moved 6 times. Not even kidding. Count with me: I moved from mom’s to G’s, from G’s to M’s, from M’s to my mom’s, from my mom’s house to my mom’s apartment, from the apartment back to M’s, from M’s to my mom’s, and then mom kicked me out three days before I graduated, so I moved back to M’s. Well, that’s 7. I was literally an insomniac zombie, not sleeping at night and then falling asleep in classes.

  By the way, I have owned Hollywood Homicide for a number of years now.

  (I feel embarrassed to say that for years, my blogging wasn’t exactly blogging. There was a number of times I would say “no post today…..” It hasn’t been until recently that my blogging is actually interesting….)

  Back in high school, I met someone on Xanga who was actually a very good friend for a number of years. He was a man who lived in (West?) Virginia, and we started talking on AIM. At this time in my life, it was very terrible. My mother was a drug addict, I had lost my sister because she moved away, and I was remembering things from my childhood that were disturbing. As most of you should know from my Rape post, I was a victim. When I was about 5, I was molested repeatedly and whoever did it also shot me up with heroin. I was starting to remember all this at this time as well.

  Anyway, I started talking to this guy a lot about it and I came to trust him a lot. I started trusting him with my life.

  Whenever I was depressed (which was often) and suicidal (again, often), I would log onto AIM and he would be there. He would always calm me down and talk me out of it. I owe my life to him more times than I could count. We even talked on the phone a few times, and I was actually planning on moving down there when I graduated from high school, and his wife had even okay’d it. I didn’t move down there though.

  After I graduated high school, my history with Xanga is a little spotty. I visited every now and again, going through spurts of posting, then I wouldn’t visit again for months. It was still a blog where I wrote down the boring details of my life.

  In hindsight though, Xanga has helped me keep in touch with my life. You see, I tend to forget events of my own life, even important ones. This is a defense mechanism, set forth by the awful childhood I had. Now I can go back, and read about myself. Most of it is depressing, yes, but it’s better to remember than to forget. Your life makes up WHO you are. Without my entries in Xanga, I would be lost.

  This is my original account with Xanga, but I have 2 or 3 others. Those ones are secret Xanga’s. In one of them, I posted AIM conversations (under Private, of course) so that I can remember various conversations I’ve had with some people that have had an affect in my life. I have, however, always come back to this account, my original.

  Now, I am here to stay. I am done with my rocky history with Xanga, and I am ready to stay. I’ve been writing a little less about my personal life, and more about…well, I’m not sure, really, but at least it’s been entertaining. I hope so, anyway. Do any of my posts make anyone laugh? I hope so…anyway..

  Although, my entire point in posting this history is that I want to say how awesome Xanga is, and what great people we have here. I think we need to dispense with the drama, so people stop leaving. Come on people, we are grown ass people here, and I think we should all respect each other. This is a blogging COMMUNITY! If you don’t agree with someone, say it RESPECTFULLY! That is why people are leaving: we’re acting like a bunch of rude assholes. Of course, there’s always going to be haters, but really, we don’t need so many. “Can’t we all just get along?” I want everyone to stay here, and those that have left, to come back. Some people just need to grow up! Stop acting like your opinion is the only one that’s right.

  That’s another great thing about Xanga: reading everyone’s opinions. I’ve learned so much about other people, and just the way people think. I think it’s great insight into the human population. So we all just need to get along, yes?

  Also, it’s almost my 6th Xanga anniversary! =]

  • 7:31 pm
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