September 16, 2009

• Sex

  Yeah, I know. I’ve never talked about sex in my blog. If I have, I don’t remember it.
  
  Anyway, I love it…it’s great.
  
  Except I don’t have it. Talk about frustration.
  
  Well, I’ve always steered clear of relationships. The reason being, I have never had a healthy relationship with any of my family members, so what the hell makes me think I can have a relationship with anyone else? That’s easy…I didn’t think about it.
  
  Except I did, a couple years ago. It was a girl’s night out, and we were at the bar, having a good time. One of the people I was with was a new friend, I had never really hung out with her before..I think only once before. I knew she was a lesbian. Now, at the time, I didn’t know this about myself. Well, we were drinking and to this day, I have no idea what made me do it. I was tipsy, to be sure, but I leaned over, kissed her, said, “I’ll be right back,” and proceeded to the bathroom, where I peed. I came back out to the table, sat down, and she was staring at me. Let’s call her S. Anyway, S says, “Are you aware that you just kissed me?” I grinned a silly, sloppy, drunk grin and said, “yeah.”
  
  Woah…I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. She started kissing me. Really kissing me. Like tongue in my mouth kissing me. This was, by the way, the first time I had ever been French kissed. I was 21. Pretty sad and pathetic, isn’t it? Anyway, I told her I had never kissed before. She refused to believe me. “How can that be true? You’re a damn good kisser.” I told her it was true. We ended up getting a little out of control and one of the waitresses had come over to us and told us that we had to settle down. Umm. Whoops.
  
  At one point, S said to me, “You’re coming home with me tonight.” I am happy to say that I did not go home with her that night. Well, it would have been great, but I have principles! I’m not THAT girl! So, I drove home. I had gotten her number, and started texting her. We talked on the phone too. I asked her out on a date. You have no idea how frightening that was for me. I had never asked anyone out on a date. So a couple weeks after we made out in the bar, we went out. I told her that I was wary of relationships because I had been molested as a child, and that I was a little scared of what was going on.
  
  I mean, I stayed away from guys, but I had never really thought that I was a lesbian. She said we can take our time, she wouldn’t rush me. Anyway, we didn’t have sex that night either. I am so proud of myself, haha.
  
  We didn’t have sex until a couple weeks after that date. This was back in my heavy drinking days when I would go out with friends pretty much every weekend, so we went out with a couple of other friends and we crashed at her place. Well, everyone else was sleeping and we were watching TV in the living room and she made some pizza. So there I was, eating a piece of pizza, sitting on the floor, and she was staring at me! Then, she pretty much attacked me, lol. I think the dog finished my piece of pizza!
  
  We ended up down in her room, and I’m sorry to say, I was pretty wasted the first time I had sex. I remember bits and pieces, I remember how I got the bruises. If you read my confessions, you saw that I am a masochist. To what degree, I don’t know. How much pain is too much pain and then it’s not pleasure anymore? I have no idea. But this is where it started.
  
  She bit the top of my breast, and I was like woah! Do that again…harder….harder…oh. my. god. If you bite my chest and breasts, I’ll say your name however you want me to say it and I’ll love you forever. My chest was bruised for about a week after that. It felt wonderful to push on those bruises. Well, I think it was that night I learned fisting and all that good stuff. It might have been that night. I don’t remember. I told you, this was back in my heavy drinking days. I could drink A LOT, but I never puked….but I sure did black out a lot.
  
  In the morning, she said, “Wow you have sharp teeth!” Well, people don’t call me a vampire just because of my pale skin..I have super sharp canines…these suckers are designed to rip meat baby. I said, “Yeah, I know.” Oh so eloquent, right? She told me she thought I had drawn blood. Woah, I’m not literally a vampire!! “Oh my god! I’m sorry!” She said, “Did I say I was mad about it?” So I suppose she was okay with that.
  
  Anyway, I haven’t had sex since S. Well, I sort of dated this guy D, but we never had sex. I had to be shit faced drunk to even let him touch me, so that was how I figured out I’m a lesbian, and not bisexual. I had a lot of bruises from him too…but they weren’t from abuse….it’s that kinky biting thing, omg I love it. I also like getting my hair pulled…omg I’m weird, lol. So, it’s been a loooonnnng time since I’ve had sex. UGH if only I could get over my hang up with relationships….
  
  Well, at least I have my toys…

  • 9:04 am
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