August 28, 2009

• So I’m Anorexic…Again

   Let me first just say that I am NOT pro ana/mia or anything like that. I don’t look at “thinspo” or anything else. And I’m definately not skinny. I still wear juniors jeans, and right now I’m wearing a size 17 (although I think that’s just the brand…other brands I wear a 15). Up until a month ago, I was wearing a 13.

  I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this in blogs before, but I will briefly go through this part again…when I was little, I was repeatedly molested. This experience has damaged me psychologically so that subconciously, I don’t want people to look at me. I know some raise their eyebrows at this, because of my pink hair (which hasn’t been pink since March…it is now red), my makeup, and so forth. But that’s the reality. So that’s why I remain fat. I get yelled at when I call myself that, so I suppose we will just settle for overweight.

   (That’s me on the left with the Happy Bunny hoodie…the blond is my sister…this was Thanksgiving, and I’ve gained weight since then…ack)

  Anyway, I’ve had bouts of my eating disorders throughout my life. I’ve had all of them at one point except I’ve never purged. I’ve made myself puke once in my life. I was a kid, like 10 or something, and I had eaten some leftovers from the fridge that had apparently been in there too long. We were going somewhere for the day, Valleyfair, I think, and my dad said “Well you better make yourself puke it all up now or else you’re going to be really sick later and we can’t go.” So I made myself puke.

  I’ve tried losing weight the right way, trust me. It’s a lifestyle change…eating healthy every day and excercising. But every time I notice that I’m losing weight, I unconciously stop doing the right things. It’s all about that subconcious decsion that I don’t want people to look at me. Sure, I have a pretty, maybe even beautiful face. But for the most part, people don’t really ask out the fat people. It’s more than that too…fat people aren’t usually victims. I don’t want to be a victim ever again. Given that, I’m not sure why sometimes I’m anorexic.

  Anyway, this time I didn’t even realize I was doing it. I just stopped eating this week. I wasn’t hungry for a couple days, so I had one sandwhich in about a 48 hour period. After that, I tried to eat, but every time I got a really bad upset stomach and had diareah everytime I tried eating, so half the time I’ve been ignoring the hunger pains. They’ve been getting better. Now today for the first time all week I feel like fainting.

  I don’t know how long it’s going to last this time. I’ve gone 3-4 months barely eating in the past. I don’t condone eating disorders at all. I think it’s a horrible thing. My head is just all messed up I suppose.

  • 8:05 pm
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