August 13, 2009
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I Really Hate This
It’s back. I can feel it.
That downward spiral into darkness; that sense that tells you you’re not okay; that all-encompasing void of nothingness.
It’s back.
Sure, recent events were a catalyst for my dark depression to return. Maybe I should have expected it. It’s been a long time coming.
You see, every once in awhile I go through a very bad depression. I can’t even remember how long ago that this happened. It lasts for a long time…months. I know it’s starting again because my smile doesn’t reach my eyes. My laugh doesn’t reach my stomach. It becomes hard for me to hide it. I usually start cutting again. In the past, it’s been so bad that I thought about institutionalizing myself. A part of me knows that my attitude and behaviors are destructive, but I do it anyway because the blackness swallows almost everything that I am. This depression hurts. I lose interest in everything and all I do is sit in my room and stare at the wall. Sometimes I listen to music but I don’t ever really hear it. A part of me just wants to die, but I’ll never do it.
I thought I was doing so well. I can feel the darkness settling in on me. I’ll be shrouded in black. I don’t know why this happens to me. I don’t understand it. I wish it wasn’t.
I really hate this.
Comments (8)
oh no. dont get so down on yourself. everyone feels a bit useless from time to time, but soon you fnd direction again. I wish you the best : )
Ever thought about reading the runes? I learned the elder futhark, and made my own, so I can cast for myself at anytime. It helps you to understand your ties with nature, and the flow of life around us.
I personally have felt this low coming for the past few days, so i’m not surprised other people feel it too. You’d be surprised to find you are probably a bit on the what?, ‘special’ side of understanding things.
Interested in learning more?
Peace.
@curious33 - Yeah, I know what you mean. Lately I’ve been thinking I’m somewhat of an empath. Even when people are really good at hiding what they’re truly feeling, I can figure it out. I don’t know, it’s kind of a feeling I get, it’s like I just know. Sometimes it’s weird.
@crazy2love - I call it wyrd. Do some googling.
I’m in one of those moods atm. Always here if you wanna talk just message me. Look after yourself, HUGS xx xx
Me too.
I used to be like this quite some time ago. I understand. I too used to cut myself, having the idea that the pain I inflict outside doesn’t even compare to the pain on the inside.
I haven’t really had too many episodes. Of course depression still rears it’s ugly head from time to time, but I’ve noticed if I look outside the box (not as easily done as said), and see all the GOOD things I do have in my life, I notice it gets better.
The negative thoughts happen quite frequently, but what I try to do is let it come and go as quickly as they pop in. Don’t give too much attention to the bad things/thoughts. Distract yourself with something that makes you really happy. Like I said, this is much easier said than done, however if you work at it, and practice it things come much easier.
I’d like to sub and befriend you. If you need to vent, I’m here.