February 10, 2009
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Cutting
Most of you probably don’t know (unless you’ve read entries of mine before you were my friend) that I am a reformed cutter. Well, maybe not so reformed. Reformed is the wrong word. Cutter on hiatus sounds a bit more true. And I’m thinking that most of you will abhor this particular entry in my blog.
Generally, I find nothing wrong with cutting. There. I said it. Most of you are thinking that I’m crazy, too far from normal to associate your shining self with someone like me. Let me explain this crazy statement. First, I guess I’ll give you a run down of my history with this type of self mutilation.
I didn’t start cutting until I was out of high school. I’d heard of it, and there was a kid in my class that didn’t hide his marks. I’d never really thought about it. Senior year of high school was the darkest period in my life. I honestly didn’t know how I’d survived the absolute disaster that was my life. Teachers had become concerned with my well being at one point, and the school counselor called me into her office. Through all of the mayhem that year, I didn’t cut.
When I got out of the hell that high school had become, however, I watched a movie called Thirteen. It was a very good movie in my opinion, and it’s a movie about a young girl who starts hanging with a bad influence. She started drinking, doing drugs, stealing, skipping school. She started cutting. I watched it in this movie, and decided to try it. I brought home a new razorblade from work, sat on my bed with a sock, and started. At first it freaked me out. But I got used to it. I was a cutter almost every day for over 2 years. Only a few people knew. After awhile, I only cut every once in awhile. Now I haven’t cut in almost a year. I haven’t had any reason to.
Now here’s where I explain why I don’t necessarily find anything wrong with it.
Cutters are not suicidal.
Cutting releases a certain chemical in your blood that makes a person happier. Endorphins or some such thing. Everyone cuts for a different reason. To make them feel something because they’re numb, to make them NOT feel because they feel too much (it’s a release). It serves whichever purpose the cutter intends. It makes them feel high. It’s getting high without drugs, and it makes the person happier without pills. It gets them through whatever they need to get through. Most cutters keep it a secret, and only let it be known in the virtual world where they know no one. They cut on places not visible…their thighs and stomachs mostly. Sometimes their wrists, but that’s a bit more public, even if they wear bracelets. Some cut because it’s cool, which it really isn’t. Real cutters know what they’re doing and why they’re doing it.
I don’t care about scars. It lets me know that I’ve lived, that I’m alive. Blood freaks me out, and in any other situation where blood is flowing from an injury, it makes me naseous. I have almost thrown up from accidental blood-letting injuries.
I don’t think cutting is wrong because it’s self-therapy. Real therapy (the therapist and anti-depressant-anxiety medicated therapy) tends to cost quite a bit of money in the long run and a lot of people might not afford it. It’s also about the people where everyone else thinks they’re perfection personified and they can’t let anyone know that their lives are out of control. It’s about making yourself feel better in a situation. It releases anxiety.
I don’t condone any other kind of self mutilation and I don’t think it’s right when it gets out of control. I don’t think it’s about getting attention, because with real cutters, no one knows their dirty little secret. I think more people cut than others think. I think it’s better than the alternatives.
I don’t know. Perhaps my thinking is completely warped. Maybe I’m a little crazy.
Comments (15)
I must be crazy too because this is my exact line of thinking as well.
Thirteen is a very good movie.
I’ve never seen a defense to cutting before. Interesting. I can’t say my opinion on it, because honestly I don’t have one. And I think it probably depends on the person, more than the action. For instance, some people can drink on occasion, while others can’t go near alcohol without turning into an alcoholic. Maybe cutting is something like that? I don’t know.
@TakingxOverxMe - I know! I love that movie. I cry at the end almost every time I watch it.
@Fairywife - That’s true. I can drink on occasion and haven’t become an alcoholic =]
If you’re interested in Twilight, the chick that plays Evie in Thirteen also plays Rosalie Hale.
Random semi-interesting fact. =P
@TakingxOverxMe - Really? I saw Twilight and I didn’t even notice! I guess they made all the Cullens totally not look like themselves (you know what I mean…the actors, lol!)
@TakingxOverxMe - That is a random semi-interesting fact. I thought she looked familiar.
~Random, semi-interesting reply~
Thank you for writing this post. I have often wondered what goes through the heads of cutters and I have some-what suspected that this was because of some sort of high. Last year, while at work, I sliced my left thumb and severed a nerve. I have lost feeling in some of my thumb as a result and it does serve as an odd reminder that I have lived, if you know what I mean.
I am not a cutter.
But I do have scars.
Life is just weird.
I was a cutter from 11 until I was about 19. I’m 21 now. There are healthier ways to deal with a problem. Jogging is cheaper than a razor-blade. I’d recommend getting a new hobby, one that releases endorphins.
For example… Rock climbing, is an excellent stress relief for me. Who knows, yoga might be more your style. For me personally, it makes me feel all bottled up and unable to breathe, and DESPERATE to SCREAM.
There are a lot of reasons I don’t condone cutting. Mostly, because you’re not really dealing with things. It’s the EXACT SAME as going and getting high… It’s just another form of running. I recommend finding therapists that are more affordable, usually charity therapists can be found… most doctors can recommend them, if you don’t have money. People who don’t make a profit off of your being ill, are much more likely to want to see you well. (I’m not saying you are ill, but just that for people in general)
Therapy can be life altering, in an amazing way.
Also, I don’t recommend medications… at all.
But I do recommend finding out if certain foods or other daily occurrences effect you in a particularly negative way. For instance, I thought I was bi-polar for a long time… Then I realized that I was bingeing on carbs, having a major upswing from all the sugar – and then crashing and BURNING when the sugar rush wore off.
Also, not getting enough sleep can REALLY affect a person’s thought processes and thought patterns – usually in a negative way.
I dunno, there are a lot of things that can affect why we do the things we do, but I don’t think that anyone anywhere has a reason to not strive for real health. It might be an unattainable goal, but at least you’ll most likely find some balance and peace in the process of trying to always do what is best for yourself?
therapy = yes
medication = NO!!!
I would say the problem is with maintaining control –how do you keep yourself in control? I had a friend who cut, and while she certainly wasn’t suicidal, the longer she did it, the deeper and more she had to cut in order to feel better. It got to the point where I was concerned about her accidentally bleeding out, getting a bad infection, and/or spending too much time cutting. After all, therapy of any sort is effective only when it allows you to continue/succeed with your daily life; it can’t be a substitute for your daily life. When it takes over your daily life, it isn’t effective any more.
Additionally, cutting doesn’t teach coping skills. It doesn’t teach you constructive ways to deal with negative emotion, it doesn’t teach you how to handle the situation that prompted you to cut. Good therapies focus on teaching healthy ways to respond to upsetting situations; it’s not enough to just cut or run or eat until you feel better, because eventually, you’re not going to be able to cut/run/eat enough. And then what do you do?
I don’t think you necessarily need drugs, except for certain disorders that are very strongly based in biological issues. Some basic cognitive/behavioral therapy is possible even on your own or with a friend. Keeping a journal of your automatic thoughts and learning to correct them can help, or even just keeping a regular journal and listing out what’s frustrating you and possible solutions.
I hope this comment isn’t offensive, since that’s not what I mean at all. I just think there are too many risks involved with cutting to condone it, and in the end, it doesn’t provide a long term solution. It was an interesting post!
My friend cuts to have some control when she is going through times and things she can’t control. Not for the high you feel that you wrote about. I’m glad you wrote this, because I’m not a cutter and it shows me there is another side of it. Whether good or bad… who am I to judge?
@TakingxOverxMe - Oh my gosh! Really? That’s interesting to know. Now I’m gonna go look at rosalie and see if I can see the resemblance. lol.
i did cut twice in my life. i do not encourage it. i was just in a really turbulent situation. i wanted to escape from the pain i am feeling inside — so i tried to ‘channel’ the pain physically.
I also started cutting shortly out of highschool. I didn’t see it as a problem either, I only did it on one place on my arm over and over so that I didn’t have a body covered in scars. I also didn’t drink or smoke during the years I cut myself. It was my release. I never tried to kill myself or wanted to. To me cutting was healthier than getting high or drunk. In a way I still think I was right, but I eventually stopped because it became more of a regular thing and felt like it was interfering with my life like guys I wanted to date would find out about it and think it was weird ect. Also now that I’m a mom, I wouldn’t want to do it because as my son grows up if he noticed and did it I would feel horrible. I want to be a good example to him.