So, I just spent $80 at Kohls....got 2 or 3 pairs of pants, 5 shirts (i think) and some really cute panties......hahahaha im sure yall wanted to hear that.....well, ill go now...I might be chillin with Jen tonight...I gotta call her when she gets off work....ttyl....

I just watched Pitch Black and the end pissed me off. I didn't want Carolyn to die at the end.....

I can't even begin to describe what I feel inside. Dead. I feel dead. Numb. Like I have nothing to live for. I have nothing to offer anyone except all this baggage. How can I change my way of thinking? How do I begin? Where the hell do I start? Is it as simple as changing my way of thinking? Is that even a simple thing to do?

I cried at work yesterday. Partly because I realized that my childhood was stolen from me. The innocence of childhood is forever lost to me. I don't remember what it's like. But mine wasnt what I would call normal anyway. I have pieces of memories that don't really fit together ... so random. I can't remember before I was 10 or 11. I don't remember what age I started remembering things. Even then, I have very few memories. Was it so bad that my mind blocked it? It's a defense mechanism, something our mind does when we can't handle the situation or information. Were my experiences so awful and horrific that my fragile psyche blocked out my entire childhood? I try so hard to remember, but all I can come up with are random memories, most of them bad. I don't want to share any of them, for fear of what they could mean. It seems like my past is destroying my future. Without knowing who I was, I don't know who I am, and since I don't know who I am, I don't know who I want to be. I'm so lost and confused right now. I question who I am and who my parents are. There are so many secrets that everyone hides from me. There are so many things that I question inside myself that I can't voice for fear of the answers or the reactions I'll get by asking them. There are so many things that I need to know but don't wanna know. I'm stuck. I can't go anywhere right now. No one understands. I can't say anything here because of who reads this....I'll just have to go ahead alone and by myself because I have no one.

I felt better today.

I made this layout last night. What do ya think of it?

Today was one of the worst fucking days I swear to God. I was okay when I woke up, but then for some fuckin reason, the day went seriously downhill. I was just pissed off and depressed and whateverthefuckelse. No one really talked to me today cuz I was so crabby. I fuckin kicked boxes around and shit. UGH WTF IS MY PROBLEM????? I cried today at work. No one saw me though..... so ya. Nothing else is new, so I'll go now.

I'm tired today. I need an energy drink....

Sobe Adrenaline Rush....mmmmm......

Off to another exciting day at work......

I've been looking at new music all night for my site....found some awesome classic rock songs....gotta love em...but I'm too tired to edit it tonight.....ttyt......

lost and barely surviving. i wonder what the sky looks like in your world. its right next to mine, but the glass is blurred. its cold and snowy here ... the clouds are black. theres no sun. what does your world look like? theres nothing happy in mine. the same scene, every day. does yours change? in my world, nothing is happy and bright; everything is dark and scary. does is rain sparkles in your world? i wander alone, through the trees and fog. sometimes i can see into your world. its so beautiful ... i can only catch glimpses sometimes. it snows forever here ... there, does it only rain sometimes? my tiny footsteps in the snow disappear as i run, frightened. its so dark here, so lonely. scraps for clothes and ice for tears. im so beautiful, but so cold. my dress is light blue, the color of frozen water. my skin is so pale, almost transluscent. do you cry like i do? i cry for eternity, never stopping, until someone breaks me. the darkness closes in and i huddle there, so cold, shivering. against the tree, the unforgiving tree. she hates me for being so cold, bringing it with me wherever i go. i press my hands to my ears to stop the silence that stretches for miles. my blue eyes follow the snowflakes falling. the same thoughts flow through my mind all the time, the same daydreaming. i want to be in a happy world, like yours. cant you see my pain? dont you look into my world from time to time? time goes by so fast ... there goes a second, a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month ... a year. its all the same. and you dont care. can you help me? can you make me a part of your world with beautiful gowns and curly hair and smiles? my frowns and sad smiles hurt me and hurt the unforgiving tree. the unforgiving tree and all her sadness. the eternal sadness that flows through my viens also flows through hers and she hates me for it but shields me from the storm.

are you happy in your world? i can see you now, next door to my world. i wave, you pretend not to notice me. i turn around and go back, once again, to the unforgiving tree, my tears turning to icicles on my cheeks.

I am one of the biggest flipouts...I swear to God. I went to my room, planning on playing some video games....and....end up re-arranging my room. Would you like to know why?

Box Elders.

Bugs.

There's box elders coming in through a window or something in my room and I freaked out. I HAD to re-arrange my room or I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. I had a serious obsessive compulsive moment for like an hour and a half. I sucked up all the bugs with the vaccum and freaked out whenever I saw a bug. My reaction would make some people laugh because I freak out so bad. I gasp and wipe it off me and run away from it. Immediate reaction when I see one. I moved my bed away from the window (I don't sleep in my bed...I sleep on the couch in the living room). Tomorrow I'm going to have to organize and clean my room.

I dyed my hair red today. When I rinsed the dye out, it looked like someone was murdered in my bathtub. My hair is dark blood red and red right now cuz of the colors my hair was before: black and blonde/orangish. Ya, my hair is beautiful.....

And my hands turned orange. Nice. Did you know that there's no word that rymes with Orange? I'm sure the Orange MnM is sad. (IS there an orange MnM? I don't remember, it's been so long since I've eaten MnM's....)

It's 15 days until my birthday...I think. I turn 19 on the 21st. So whoop dee doo...huh? That's what I thought. So on Friday night I went to see The Pacifier with Jen. Then I called Holly yesterday and she picked me up and we hung out.I ended up spending the night at her house then I got home today at about noon. I feel bad cuz Ashley was here this weekend and I spent no time with her.  But I just had to get out of the house and get away from dad. He's always pressuring me about everything....school, money.....UGH I feel boxed in.