March 9, 2005
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I can’t even begin to describe what I feel inside. Dead. I feel dead. Numb. Like I have nothing to live for. I have nothing to offer anyone except all this baggage. How can I change my way of thinking? How do I begin? Where the hell do I start? Is it as simple as changing my way of thinking? Is that even a simple thing to do?
I cried at work yesterday. Partly because I realized that my childhood was stolen from me. The innocence of childhood is forever lost to me. I don’t remember what it’s like. But mine wasnt what I would call normal anyway. I have pieces of memories that don’t really fit together … so random. I can’t remember before I was 10 or 11. I don’t remember what age I started remembering things. Even then, I have very few memories. Was it so bad that my mind blocked it? It’s a defense mechanism, something our mind does when we can’t handle the situation or information. Were my experiences so awful and horrific that my fragile psyche blocked out my entire childhood? I try so hard to remember, but all I can come up with are random memories, most of them bad. I don’t want to share any of them, for fear of what they could mean. It seems like my past is destroying my future. Without knowing who I was, I don’t know who I am, and since I don’t know who I am, I don’t know who I want to be. I’m so lost and confused right now. I question who I am and who my parents are. There are so many secrets that everyone hides from me. There are so many things that I question inside myself that I can’t voice for fear of the answers or the reactions I’ll get by asking them. There are so many things that I need to know but don’t wanna know. I’m stuck. I can’t go anywhere right now. No one understands. I can’t say anything here because of who reads this….I’ll just have to go ahead alone and by myself because I have no one.
