October 16, 2004

• I love these colors on my site. I’m at Barb’s house right now, a friend of our whole family. She cooks for us…the the most delicious food in the whole world. Soooo good…today we had carrots and taters that were cooked with chuck roast slow cooked in the oven. And we had the best salad in the world. It’s sooooo good..I love it! The sauce she uses for dressing is the best. You have no idea what I’m talking about until you’ve tried it! mmmmmmmmm

  You know…I have the most beautiful eyes….sorry if I sound vain or egotistical, but it’s true! They are so blue! I love my eyes. They’re very blue with a ring of dark blue around the iris with a lighter blue filling in. In the middle, there’s a a circle of very light green that you can’t tell is there unless you look very very closely. Then there’s another ring of dark blue right next to the pupil. I use light pastel colors for eyeshadow..right now it’s very light green. Then I use black eyeliner on the edge of my eyelid and underneath my eye….so pretty. I know they are because I catch people staring at them all the time. When I swing my eyes around a room, I usually make eye contact with several people…which means they were already looking at my eyes before I looked around the room. If I don’t look away right away, the other person (usually of the male spieces) will look away first if I hold their eyes for too long. I always wonder what people are thinking when I catch them staring at my eyes. I take almost all my time with my eyes when I do my makeup in the morning.

  I’m very well liked at work. People like me…Dawn misses me. I moved from Scott’s department to Judy’s. So now I pick lawyer stuff and beer stuff. Labatt (Inbev now, actuallY) and West. West is a law firm or something. They have tons of pamphlets on all sorts of interesting things. And they have some cool shit! They’ve got light up pens and extremely nice coffee mugs. FRED! You know, I’m on Yahoo right now and YOU’RE NOT!! WHAT is up with that?!?! Well whatever. Anyways, I love work. It’s fun! I get to go in the cage, which is a cage (DUH!) that’s locked and you can only get in with a special key…which I may have possession of whenever I may need it! I’m special…hehe. But in the cage are small items in the warehouse that could easily be stolen because of size or value. It’s kinda scary in there though because the lights are motion sensored so it’s dark in there until you move like right under the lights. And there SHOULD be cameras in there, but I don’t know if there is. But I love it there. And I love the people. Katie and Jerry (a major weirdo but funny in a perverse way) and Cory (affectionately named Corky by us) and Dawn (who is supposedly a bitch when she doesn’t like someone, so I’m glad she likes me) and Cindy and Mary and Jill and Ken and Dennis (a different Dennis…He tried to get Jason to let me stay and pack Vistakon the other day…but Jason said to go back to Cindy) and Linda (who’s a tough boss but a great person…not my boss though) and Jamie and Bob (“You can’t name a planet Bob!”) and everyone else. Everyone makes me laugh and everything. It’s good times. The people that I work with (Cindy, Mary, Jill, and Ken…boss is Judy) are kinda kooky, but that’s what makes it fun.

  But I’m not okay. In the back of my mind is negative energy, no matter what. I hide it and I hide it well, but it’s eating at me. I read as much as I can to get away from myself. Reading provides such a wonderful getaway into lives that aren’t my own. And always a happy ending to keep me smiling. When I finally write a book, I’m going to make it an unhappy ending. I’m going to break the rules. It’s going to be a wonderful book full of pain and sadness and truth, a little happiness. I’m going to write a book that’s got a main character with a life like mine. It might even be about me. But it’s going to be so beautifully written and heart wrenching but so wonderful.

  the cold wind bites me
  bitter
  the bare trees sway in the wind
  in the dark
  shadows dance under the moonlight
  its so much colder with no clouds
  the clouds keep the warmth
  shivering
  clutching my jacket
  fear makes my imagination run wild
  sacred hearts bleed
  fingernails bitten to the quick
  blood
  scars
  wounds
  gashes
  bone
  numb
  frozen in the recesses of my mind
  the wind howels around me
  i can’t get warm
  stuck here
  can’t move
  fear
  wasted love
  discomfort
  lost hopes shattered dreams wounded souls
  screaming
  lsot and confused
  dazed
  wondering
  how to get out of here

  I don’t know what that was. Just my mind flowing free.

  A wasteland. The abandoned house provided shelter from the raging, howling, bitter cold wind and nothing more. Julie wondered when she’d have the strngth to get up, or if she would die here. It’s not like she would be missed. There would be a few people who would wonder of her whereabouts, but nothing more than a passing thought. Julie ruefully laughed, a bitter sound that turned into a coughing fit. When you lived on the streets, no once cared about anyone but themselves. It was a dogfight, may the best mutt win.
  Her hair was unwashed and dirty. Dirt and filth streaked her face and skin, making her appear paler than she was. She was too thin, her ribcage sticking out. Her arms and legs were sticks. Her face was thin and hollow, her blue eyes dulled by the past years. Julie knew that she didn’t have much of a chance lasting through the harsh and bitter Minnesota winter. She was the only one who knew about this abandoned house…for the moment. It contained rotting furniture. The smell of decay and filth permeated the walls. Broken beer bottles littered the place. Needles littered the old house along with garbage of all types. Bugs skittered along, not afraid of the small human being curled on the rotted and decayed sofa.

  I’ll continue this later….when DeVante isn’t digging into the sides of my tummy and tickling me….

  Amendment:

  I act crazy to keep myself from going insane….it works. I mean, I act crazy and laugh a lot to keep my mind from being sad.

  II Amendment:

  From being sad on the outside.

  • 3:26 pm
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