August 14, 2004

• Ummm hey everyone. How ya doin?…. Me? I’m just barely hangin on. Dennis isn’t here. He never came. Do I just give up talking to him? I don’t know. I just feel very very very sad and depressed today. I think my life is the worst it’s ever been right now. I’ve never been so low. It’s like, I have no one. No one to talk to…just my coworkers. I have a job, 40 hours a week at $8.25. Yay for me, right? Wrong. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I go to work at 6, start at 7…leave at 3:30, wait for my dad to get off at 4 to drive me home. Then I watch movies and tv til I go to bed. I have no phone, no computer…I’m literally all alone. I desperately miss everyone…just everyone. I’ve been wanting to cry all day, because today is the first day I’ve realized how alone I really feel. I feel like I’m stuck…I’m trapped…a bird in the cage. I’ve been wanting to kill myself. I have nothing to live for right now. When I’m at work, and not talking to my coworkers, I dream up a better life. But then reality comes back when I’m done and punches me in the face. Is it worse to dream? I don’t know. But I need someone to save me. Someone honest, someone who cares. Whenever I feel just so sad, I try and think of Fred’s words of wisdom…a ghost lifeline. But I don’t know how long I can survive like this. I have a ghost love…I don’t know how honest Dennis is…right now I don’t think it’s working out. The only way he can prove it to me is to come up here. I told him how to get here and where to stay, the number to call when he gets here. I haven’t talked to him in a week.

  
  

  I’m losing in the game of life. I’m wasting away…I have no communication with anyone. I’m dying…my soul and spirit are dying…help. And I miss that cowboy….so much. I wish he still talked to me.

  
  

  I’m at my grandma’s house, using her computer. I don’t know how long it’ll be until my next entry.

  
  

  Jojo, I miss you and everyone SO much. It’s probably quieter there without me, huh? I appreciate you and your family letting me stay there, I really do. I wish I was still there.

  
  

  Joy joy, I miss you too. A lot.

  
  

  Fred, I miss you a lot too. You’re my ghost lifeline.

  
  

  I just miss everyone.

  
  

   

  
  

  This song is so beautiful. If you haven’t heard it, you really should:

  
  

  Artist/Band: Paisley Brad
  Lyrics for Song: Whiskey Lullaby
  Lyrics for Album: Mud On The Tires

  
  

  (Featuring Alison Krauss)
  
  She put him out like the burnin’ end of a midnight cigarette
  She broke his heart he spent his whole life tryin’ to forget
  We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time
  But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind
  Until the night
  
  He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
  And finally drank away her memory
  Life is short but this time it was bigger
  Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
  We found him with his face down in the pillow
  With a note that said I’ll love her till I die
  And when we buried him beneath the willow
  The angels sang a whiskey lullaby
  
  (Sing lullaby)
  
  The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself
  For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
  She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
  But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind
  Until the night
  
  She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
  And finally drank away his memory
  Life is short but this time it was bigger
  Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
  We found her with her face down in the pillow
  Clinging to his picture for dear life
  We laid her next to him beneath the willow
  While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby
  
  (Sing lullaby)

  • 3:31 pm
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