My nose itches like crazy right now.

Rainbow

Do you see that rainbow over there?
Lets go chase it down
Lets go catch our leprechaun
Lets go find our pot of gold
Lets go find our dreams
Lets go dance on the rainbow
Dont you see that rainbow over there?
Cmon, lets go chase it down

I talked to Dennis on the phone yesterday a total of 7 hours. He called me twice yesterday, both times talking for 3 and a half hours....I think. I don't really remember. But I remember everything we talked about....well, pretty much everything. We've specified our plans. What's the date today? The 7th? He said he's gonna be here between the 14th and the 24th...he doesn't know exactly when he's gonna be here yet and he's staying for three days, about. And he's gonna buy me everything I need for making him a quilt...all the fabric AND supplies...WOW....that's very expensive....and I need a sewing machine. I asked him if he had any idea how much they cost and he said that's only a few leaves on the tree. And you wanna know what he frickin did?! The other day he told me he was going to Bath and Body Works for something...I don't remember what. And I said "You wanna know what you can get me?" and he says what...I say "You can get me some Sweet Pea lotion from there." And he's like ok....and I was only half serious. So you wanna know what he did?! He bought me the entire Sweet Pea set thing in the basket thing! I was like OMG!!! I only wanted LOTION and he buys me the entire set....but that's ok.....he can spoil me all he wants! I do not object! Hahaha.....

Anyways, my cell phone is disconnected. Can't call anyone...boohoo. But Dennis bought me a new one and he's bringing it with him when he comes.....woah...everything in my life right now concerns Dennis...........

Well, I'm off to watch Major Payne...................

Wings

her wings are battered
torn, shredded, bruised
they hang limply from her back
her piercing blue eyes shed tears
sitting upon a cloud
her feet dangling, legs swinging
her head in her hands
after she weeps
she stands on the cloud
she closes her eyes
her wings become mended
for a moment, she stands
she collapses upon the cloud
drained of energy
she sleeps for an eternity
she awakens
she is strong once again
she smiles
her strong soul once again has saved her

I really don't like this poem...I don't know why. I don't think it's right somehow.

The parade was awesome, great fun. We sat up there in the van, very far off the ground, for someone who is afraid of heights....but I had 3 huge buckets of bubble gum to throw....I threw huge handfuls to the little kiddies....jammin to the loud radio in the van...hell yeah. Laughin n jokin with Jojo and Jolinda....yep!!! Fun fun....and then yesterday I slept almost all day.....Sunday night I talked to Dennis on the phone for 4 hours....then last night for like 2 and a half or somethin like that.....we have plans set out n stuff.....Talk about that later or somethin....have a good day everyone!

Oooo I just got inspired...I must go and write!

Update:

No, I did not write. I feel ashamed for it...I was going to write a poem while waiting for the parade to start, but I was talking to Jojo and Jolynda....I sowee!! I'll write it sometime, I promise!!

What is it in me that refuses to give up? I don't understand why I can't just give up and give in and just kill myself. Is it the voice in me that tells me one day I'll be at the top and everyone who's hurt me will be at the bottom and one day I'll stand over them and laugh? I'll say "Haha lookit now! Now who's better?" But you know what? Even if I am at the top and everyone else is at the bottom, I won't do that or say that. You know why? Because I have class, I'm better than that. I'm better than anyone who's ever doubted me. Somewhere deep inside I trust myself. But that trust is buried deep deep in myself. Wrapped around it is my self-doubt, which is very thick. Around that is all the hurt and pain. Then there's the cynical layer and hate layer and love layer and so many other layers. I guess ogre's aren't the only ones that are like onions. But when something especially difficult happens, the core somehow shines through all the other layers. And when I have that bottle in my hand, that's what makes me throw the bottle across the room. That trust in myself. The inner voice that tells me I have more to do here, that I'm not done yet, that I have my entire life to live for. And this trust core is thicker than any of the layers around it... that's what's in me that refuses to give up and give in.

~

But where do I get this strength from? How am I so strong to overcome everything that's been thrown in my face? How am I able to get back up after falling? After falling so many times? Where does this strength come from? I have absolutely no idea where it comes from. Anyone have any ideas?

I was just reading a story and it's at this part about Thanksgiving. I had to stop reading so I could think. Out of all the wrong things my mother has done, she's always done one thing right, and that's Christmas. We would have Thanksgiving dinner at my house. After everyone had left and all the dishes were done and everything is cleaned, we'd break out the boxes of Christmas decorations. We'd begin the process of decorating our house for Christmas. Boxes and boxes we had. Tons of things. We'd carefully unwrap every ornament, every little thing, and remember them from years past. My mom is the shopper that buys decorations AFTER Christmas, so we'd unwrap all these things we've never seen before. It was so much fun. We'd decorate every room in the house, including our bedrooms. Lights hanging from doorways and greenery and lights wrapped around banisters and of course the Christmas village, displayed somewhere with a lot of room. The outside of our house was a little neglected because we concentrated mainly on the inside of the house. We'd have all kinds of things displayed. And we usually had two trees...at least, for the last 7 or 8 years....because that's how long we've had 2 living rooms. The first five years in Rochester then the next 2 Pine Island, so 7 years. Then Christmas Eve, we were allowed to open one present each. Then we'd go to sleep, waiting for morning to come. Taylor was always the first one to wake up. She'd come truckin in, waking up Rachel first then me, all three stockings in hand. We had Winnie the Pooh stockings. Tay was Pooh, Rach was Tigger, and I was Eyore (fitting, huh?). Then we'd leave everything and wake up mom. Then we'd open the huge mound of presents from them and 'Santa', cuz Tay still believed. That's another thing she did. She bought us tons and tons of presents, like she was trying to buy our love. Then we'd clean up all the wrapping paper and prepare for everyone to come over from the family for Christmas dinner. I always went to my Dad's family for Christmas on Christmas Eve.... And the food was always delicious, because my mom also knows how to cook. And she'd set the table so beautiful and orchastrate where everyone was to sit, because she of course had to control everything. And we'd keep up the decorations until New Year's. Then sadly take them down. Christmas is always such a wonderful time of year in my house. Everything is happy. Then everything gets sad when it's over. Some other time I'll tell about Christmas and stuff at my dad's side of the family....

I'm sick of being me.

Ooooooooo we got some negativeness all up in here. Last night I was talkin to Dennis online and Rob comes stumbling online. I talk to him for a few minutes and he tells me that Joe will be there in a lil bit and he has something he wants to talk to me about. So I'm ok. So when Joe gets there...ooooooo is he one cold cold person, lemme tell ya. He basically said he doesnt love me anymore....and said some shit about liking so many guys. I'm like ok whatever. I told him that I'll eventually find someone for me somewhere over the rainbow. He goes "there aint no rainbow where you at". Now, that hurt. That really did. But then I became bitchy me and became cold right back. By the end I was laughin at him and guess who got the last laugh? MEEEEE!!!!!! hahahaha

But yeah, anyways, thats my story.

Wow. I feel weird right now. I feel like I'm having a panic attack because my heart is beating really fast and I can't breathe, but my head is calm. Isnt that a weird feeling??

There's a lot going on, but I can't really talk about any of it. So yeah. But I'm bored and have nothing to do right now. The Taste of Minnesota started today and goes til Monday. I wanna go...I haven't been there since I was like 5. And there's fireworks every night at 10:15. The fireworks there are spectacular. Seriously! I wanna go!!!! WAAAHHHHHHH!!!! But it's so goddamn crowded! But it's fun...all the food! lol....and I love the state fair. That's comin up too. Any kind of food you can imagine on a stick. Everything's on a stick at the state fair in Minnesota. And Gedney...the Minnesota pickle!! That's the state fair pickle..yummy! And Jesse James Days is comin...well, the Defeat of Jesse James Days, it's called. Northfied, MN. The rodea is on the 11th of September this year. And every hour they have actos re inact the robbery at the bank. The people in surrounding stores and shops went out to help! They all grabbed their rifles and stuff. It was pretty cool. I love Northfield...it has such a rich history! And that's where my grandma lives (on my dads side) and my aunt and greatgrandma, both on my mom's side. Yep, I got family there...funfun....well, gonna go now...have fun chickies!!