July 3, 2004

• What is it in me that refuses to give up? I don’t understand why I can’t just give up and give in and just kill myself. Is it the voice in me that tells me one day I’ll be at the top and everyone who’s hurt me will be at the bottom and one day I’ll stand over them and laugh? I’ll say “Haha lookit now! Now who’s better?” But you know what? Even if I am at the top and everyone else is at the bottom, I won’t do that or say that. You know why? Because I have class, I’m better than that. I’m better than anyone who’s ever doubted me. Somewhere deep inside I trust myself. But that trust is buried deep deep in myself. Wrapped around it is my self-doubt, which is very thick. Around that is all the hurt and pain. Then there’s the cynical layer and hate layer and love layer and so many other layers. I guess ogre’s aren’t the only ones that are like onions. But when something especially difficult happens, the core somehow shines through all the other layers. And when I have that bottle in my hand, that’s what makes me throw the bottle across the room. That trust in myself. The inner voice that tells me I have more to do here, that I’m not done yet, that I have my entire life to live for. And this trust core is thicker than any of the layers around it… that’s what’s in me that refuses to give up and give in.

  
  

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  But where do I get this strength from? How am I so strong to overcome everything that’s been thrown in my face? How am I able to get back up after falling? After falling so many times? Where does this strength come from? I have absolutely no idea where it comes from. Anyone have any ideas?

  • 11:52 pm
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