Oh fuck yeah we're gonna getta piece of the pie!!!!!!!!! Severe thunderstorms headin my way, n I wike it!!! They keep gettin more n more severe as they move, and it just keeps getting bigger and exploding!!!!! They sky is starting to get dark here, but the storms are still a coupla hours away, and they're producing tornados!!!!!! Now, that's not a good thing, but I never seen a tornado before.

And what the FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My mother is moving to Lake Tahoe by herself?!!!!!!!!! And she's leaving Wednesday to find a place to live. She just told me this this morning. I really need someone to TALK to here.... I mean, I don't know what to think. I guess she's told everyone...except for me. Her oldest fucking daughter. I was fucking shocked. Things keep happening and happening...is this never going to end?! What did I DO to deserve all this shit....and I'm sorry for cussin so much, but I tend to do that, I have my father's temper....very violent with the words. Things are seriously messed in the world of Crystal...

I have no idea what my mood right now is called. It's the one where you wake up and you're still tired but you can't get back to sleep and when you start walking around and doing things, you feel high as a kite but you KNOW that you can't sleep, you're you're like ummm... and all that jazz and your head feels heavy at the same time, like it's going to detatch from your body and roll around on the ground and be smushed on the road by a truck and you're like FUCK I wanna go back to sleep so you're wanting to jump up and down and scream at the top of your lungs but you can't because your MOTHER is still sleeping at 1:30 in the afternoon on MOTHER'S day.

I had this dream while I was sleeping. I remember it very well. My mom gave me a new notebook that had wireless internet and she gave me a new camera phone. And we went on this bus, it was really frickin wide for a bus. But the only people on it were me, Meagan, Stacy, some other people I didn't know, and this guy in a suit. He looked like he was some kind of observer of the kids. Anyways, I was messin around on the internet on this new computer for awhile, then I shut it and took a nap. While I was in this nap, this person, we'll call him J, called me. But I didn't answer because I was sleeping. And so he left this message on my phone, and he was singing to me in his accent, and damn. I don't remember what he sang to me!! But I knew it in my dream, of course. Anyway, then my dream ended and I dreamed of needles, of which I am very afraid...I have this fear of needles, omg! scary...

Holy BALLS am I fucking tired. Post prom was okay...I won 50 bucks in cash and a lamp and Stacy gave me this hat she won and I colored a pretty fuzzy poster n I took it home...yay. They had a mechanical bull, but I didn't ride it. And they had human bowling...ummm...

Some good slushies though. And I'm really super tired right now. At 5, they told everyone to line up to get their bags n shit, and it took forever!!! It took half an hour to get my shit, and there were still people behind me, like 20 or so. I was number 160. OMFG I feel like I'm dying I'm so tired. But I didn't sleep last night, and I slept for about 4 hours before going. Wah I'm in a whiny mood right now!!! Maybe I should think of going to sleep, but it's fucking mother's day and I don't think I'll be seeing my mother today. I'm not sure...she just kinda drops by whenever she needs something. Anyways, I think I am going to bed...and thanks for the comment.

her face is broken

tattered wings of silver and brass

innocence lost

tears of blood

scar her cheeks

a shattered mind

frozen in time

the beating stops

everything dies

turns black

the halo crumbles

the flesh decays

the world stops

Your Words

Your words float up to greet me in my dreams.

Your words . . .

Your words made me smile.

Your words . . .

Your words sent shivers down my spine.

Your words . . .

Your words sent shock waves rolling through my stomach.

Your words . . .

Your words made me happy.

Your words . . .

Your words cause me pain now.

Your words . . .

Your words bite me now.

Your words . . .

Your words make me cry.

Your words . . .

Your words echo in my brain like stolen secrets.

Your words . . .

Your words make me wonder.

Your words . . .

Your words . . . are they true?

Your words . . . how can I believe them?

Your words . . . I struggle with them.

Your words . . . I wonder.

Your words . . . are you reading mine?

 

Waiting is the worst, especially if one has nothing to do while waiting.

Why me? I always ask this question, but this time it seems so right. WHY ME?! Why the fuck huh?! Does God find it funny to cause me so much pain? I've never felt as depressed as I do right now. Never ever so sad. In my life. Was it funny to cause  me pain? Did you laugh at it? What about this morning, huh? What was that? It didn't mean anything?? Maybe to fucking you...I talked to Tabitha today. She basically told me that she blaims herself for Chu's death, she couldn't sleep last night. I cried for her. Then I cried for me. And she cried for me.

I'm feeling so low right now. I want to kill myself so fucking bad right now. So bad. Why can't I? Am I too weak? What was this? A joke? A bet? A game? Was it fun for you? Did you enjoy it? And was your friend in on it? Did he laugh with you? I'm not laughing. But you don't care, do you? You could care less if I slit my wrists, if I swallowed a bottle of pills, if I fucking choked and died on my vomit, if I slit my own damn throat....you could care less. Why did you spend all those hours with me? Why? What the hell was in it for you? Just a laugh? All those hours and just a laugh? Was it the same for Joe? I drove so recklessly on the way to the restuarant, I wanted to die. But you don't care...do you? I didn't think so...

I'm going to sleep to dream of a violent death.

*no school dance* Woohoo!! I'm doing nails today though. I've been sleeping pretty much all morning and it felt nice!! I woke up for a couple hours at 8, but then I decided to go back to sleep...I need to see Tabitha sometime this weekend and give her her card. Her horse died a couple weeks ago, so I wrote this long letter to her in a card. I don't remember if I wrote that in here or not, but oh well. I wrote it again if I did!! Anyways, I'm off to get ready to go...talk ta yall later!

Update:

Doing nails for 5 1/2 hours is definately not my idea of fun...never again!!!! Well, at least everyone liked them...

Tyler's here, and he's leaving now. I'm sad! He is the cutest, sweetest, smartest little boy I've ever met. His 5th birthday is on Monday. He runs up to me, whispers "I love you" in my ear and runs away! Cutie!

The flowers are all leaving the trees already. The grass is a white blanket at the moment. It was storming earlier, but they've stopped. I was kinda sad I missed the sound of the thunder, but it's supposed to storm a lot this weendend, so I have more opportunities. It's dark now, what I live for. The stars inspire me so much...looking out at the sky, thinking of how small I am in this world, how I'm only one person in nearly 7 billion. At least, I think that's about what it is now. I love the stars. And you know, they actually do twinkle. I used to sit out in the hot tub at night and just stare at the stars for the longest. Night is when I'm the most inspired, when I write my best work. I haven't written anything in so long and it's scaring me. Anyways, I have nothing to do now cuz Tyler's gone and I don't feel like watching a movie and I'm not tired because of how much I slept today...run on sentence...drr.

"Mr. Billy Flyn and the press conference rag...notice how his mouth never moves...almost"

This song kills me!! lol. I'm kinda bored right now. I finished doing Giselle's nails, took forever! Over an hour and a half....acrylic...ack! Post prom Saturday morning...yay...maybe. I wanna dye my hair again. Become a new person again. I wonder who I should be....sad me or happy me. I have no idea...I dunno what I am right now.

Thunderstorms tonight! yay!!

Skinamarink a dink skinamarink a doo I love you! lol...I can't believe I remembered that song!!

I'm very very bored. blah blah blah

I don't see why the videos and photos of these American soldiers doing these horrible things to the Iraqi prisoners is shocking everyone. Isn't it to be expected in war? I wasn't shocked that it happened, what I'm shocked about is the fact that these upper government officials and all those people let it be public. There are worse things that happen in Sierra Leon, why aren't people outraged about that? It's unfortunate, sad, and pathetic, but it was predictable, you have to admit.

Sorry, just had to speak my mind...it was just on Channel One...

I can't sleep. Ack. It's 3 in the morning...blah