May 28, 2004
-
run
she runs
her black dress flowing behind her
in the wind
her hands
scrape the brick
of the neverending wall
her fingernails are torn off and
her fingers are bleeding
but she does not stop running
the skin on her feet is torn
bleeding
still she runs
the tears flow from her eyes
she cries for the physical pain
but not the emotional
she will never stop running
she must get away
from the demons that chase her
she never looks back
just run
along this neverending brick wall
her fingers scraping the side
her feet torn
her tears bitter
she welcomes the pain
she will never stop
because they will never stop
secret
i lay here in my dark hiding place
curled in a ball
no one can find me here
no one will look here
sadness overtakes me
a tiny tear
too small
it slowly rolls down
i feel it
i don’t bother to wipe it away
i cry this bitter tear
this lonely tear
curled up
in my hiding place
fear
dark, lonely sadness
envelopes me
i
c
r
y
wallow in this pain
now it’s numb
empty
the tear was cried away
nothing
black
darkness
Comments (2)
Dude!! I’m responding to your entry today here since I couldn’t up there. Do NOT kill yourself. I repeat DO NOT. As I’ve had to find out the hard way this year, life means so much more than the few jackasses that are in our life.
Yes, she’s your mother but see her as a person also. Could you hate her if she wasn’t your mother? I advise you to not let her destroy you. You are in control of your own life, to make your own destany, and NO ONE can take that away. I don’t know you personally, so I can’t say if you’ll ever get over the scars left over from her verbal abuse.
You open yourself up because you have a loving heart that needs to be loved and cherished. So you repeatedly open yourself up, instinctively knowing that she must respond kindly this time, and are crushed when she doesn’t.
A life of being sheltered is not that great if nice for a while, but neither is being the bitter, cynical person who spits at life. Think. When you grow up sheltered, like I was, then when you start living your life outside the confides of that shelter, you’re shocked at the crap that’s out there. The idiots who do things for no other perpose than they can. The senseless homocides and robberies. The flip side of this is being the cynical person. That person receives no joy at the little things in life, like the huge smile of a toddler and just being one with the green plants w/ singing birds. Not to mention that those people are, I’ve found anyway, to be very annoying since anything you want to do, any idea, they’re like that’ll never work. & when it does they find some picky little thing to find wrong w/ it.
I’ve tried isoslating myself a few years ago, during Jr. high. It was not fun. I had few friends during the day, I no friends I talked to after school. All I did was read. Read when I got home, read during the summers. I was miserable, but I was too proud to admit it. It took me 2 years to realize that I was fed up w/ having nothing to do and actually do something about it.
Just think of seeing and talking to this Rachel person when life seems too bad to bear alone.
Also anytime you need to rant, feel free to on my xanga. I’ll respond when I can.
later
Hello my dear,
As a mother I have to tell you that not all of us who get the title are cut out for the position. Unfortunately no test or license is required. And we don’t get to see what is ahead down the road. It is unfortunate that money/real estate determine a lot in our society. As a New Yorker I can tell you a lot of couples simply stay together because a rent stabilized apartment (the rent can only be raised a certain amount) is involved. I grew up a guest in a relatives home because I lost my mother early on. The speech about her martyrdom and what should be my undying gratitude for life occurred daily. I survived, you will too; she will be looking for your forgiveness for what will prey on her mind very soon. Take care & Keep well. Searchingwithin