May 10, 2004
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I haven’t heard from anyone and it’s making me anxious. General Anxiety Disorder kicks in…
I thought I had a doc appt today, but I was wrong. It’s on the 18th. Yeah, to see if the meds I’m not taking are working. Orange Juice is yummy ummy. I have that song “Video” by India.Arie stuck in my head. “I’m not the average girl from the video…” I don’t remember much besides that, but it’s stuck in my head nonetheless. Supercalafragalisticxmealadocious. Is that how you spell it? What does that word mean? Is it in the dictionary?
Anyways, I’m kinda like eh today. It stormed pretty good last night. Someone left the door downstairs to the backyard unlocked and it blew open, letting the rain come in the house. Pretty cool. There was so much lightening that there was a constant rumble of thunder, and when it was close, there would be this house shaking boom or crash or rumble. The rumble ones are my favorite. I dunno why. I wish I could do email in school, but no. In my old school we could do email, but only if our work was done. I wonder if they’ve changed it. I went there 3 years ago. It was cool. When I was there, I said I hated it, but now that I’m gone, I miss it. It goes back to “You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.” Ain’t that the truth.
I’m really depressed about my mom. We were supposed to open a business together, but I guess the plans got lost somewhere. In the back of my mind, I knew it wouldn’t happen. But I always have hope. But hope turns to disappointment and disappointment is bitter. Why do I always do this to myself? I set myself up for it everytime, so I share the blame in my hurt. I wish I could listen to some music right now, but I’m at school and there’s no music here. It’s all in my head. “Cuz it’s always rainin in my head…” – Staind. “Someday somehow I’m gonna make it all right but not right now I know you’re wondering when Someday somehow I’m gonna make it all right but not right now I know you’re wondering when.” – Nickelback.
I am so sad. I haven’t been able to do my homework because of it. I forgot I even brought home my analytic geometry to work on because I’m so sad. Shock is still coursing through my veins from my mother’s news. I wanted to stay through cheesefest. And I just got even more depressed because my dad doesn’t have a computer. What am I going to do? I can’t live without a computer. It’s essential to my daily survival, I swear. If I can’t write in this journal whenever I feel sad or happy or have news to share…I don’t know what I’m going to do. My dad can’t afford to buy one…he’s struggling to come up with the money I need to graduate…to get my cap and gown and announcements and everything else my mom wanted me to order so she should be paying for it, but she claims she has no money. Whatever.
Comments (8)
Keep doing it to yourself. Keep hoping despite disappointment
without hope
without love
you got nothing but pain
just makes a man not give a damn
that’s no way for us to live
I know I need to keep doing it, butit’s so hard. I don’t cry anymore, but everytime it happens, I get more and more numb. Did you write that? Where did it come from?
That’s John Cougar Mellencamp.
You’re not being selfish to want to be happy.
I wish I could come out there and give you a big ol hug and let you soak the shoulder of my t-shirt. “There, there, little girl. You’ll be ok.”
I’d also like to call some … cousins … to, uh, pay a couple guys a little visit.
It’s not their fault….no need to call some of your “cousins” lol. I still love them, and I need to talk to them, or else I may go insane…are ya’ll readin this?! Hope ya are…
Thank you for offering your shoulder, I really need one. Sooooo bad…I need to lose control, just once. I’m always so reserved and stuff it all in instead of screaming it out when I feel bad. But that’s partly because I’m more concerned about people around me than myself, so I never get to cry on anyone’s shoulder, everyone cries on mine. I’m so used to it, it’s hard to say “I need your shoulder.”
It’s not their fault? How is it not their fault? The dude knew he was married, and the other one knew his situation. Sounds to me like you’re letting them distract you from the facts of the situation with pretty words. I don’t want you to get hurt more.
Heya. Thanks for the poem. It didn’t go the way I wanted it to. It started to remind me of some philosophy. And I didn’t like that. Oh well, right? Yeah. The point I was trying to make in my last post was that there are no defined answers. No one is truly and purely right because someone will always disagree with them. The only truths that you can fully believe are those you’ve seen with your own eyes. Events in the past can be twisted and manipulated before they’re concreted in books, and even then people can manipulate them if it goes against someone, or they can be gotten rid of. And the only truth is the present. The fact that we are living in our present.
I hope you feel better. I wish I had the answers to instead of endlessly asking myself all these thoughts running through my brain and what their answers are. The journey is more remarkable than the destination. We already know the destination. The only thing that remains is what we encounter in the time we have left. And never follow the roads directly to their ends. They all lead nowhere in the end. Give and take.
You should always come first. I too have that anathema that people always should come before me, but in the long run, who’s more important? You can only fully understand yourself. And you can only fully understand yourself if you learn.
Feel better.
Hehehe. To me, I don’t even think cowboys know now to like.
It’s not their fault because that’s how I feel. There’s a situation other than the fact that he’s married, I don’t know the whole story. They could be separated or something, I dunno. I just don’t think it’s not their fault…and people really can’t help the way they feel…even though he’s married, I still love him. If I get hurt again, it’ll be my fault. I’ve been sitting here for 5 minutes, trying to decide if I want to post this…
You can feel however you feel but how you feel doesn’t change the facts. He’s a married man “falling in love” with a girl. He has a four-month-old child. Did you know all this when he was “falling in love with” you? Did he tell you?
You “don’t know the whole story.” Do you know how often I’ve heard that? It’s the classic way excuses are made for people who do things that are wrong.
I don’t care whose fault it is if you get hurt more. I just don’t want you getting hurt, period. I’m telling you, Crystal, it is damn near inevitable that you will end up with a shattered heart if you go through with this. And you’ll hate yourself and blame yourself for it. I don’t want to see that. You can find love without having to get it from a man who lied to you. Every day he continued without telling you he’s married, he lied to you. That’s not the man for you. I’ve seen those guys a million times in my ten years as a divorce lawyer.
You deserve better than that.