Self-Imposed

I made me feel this way

Why

Black

falling down

Alice

lost

Drifting thoughts

~What’s Wrong: Abstract~

People are conniving. They’re witty yet stupid. Mothers hurt thier daughters. Fathers beat thier sons. The new norm. Intense loathing. Self loathing. Murder, rape, insanity. Chaos, confusion. Disasters and tradgedies. Stalkers and nighthawkes. Corruption, lying, cheating. Evil black voodoo. Voodoo dolls. Stupidity reaches for the sky. Unfaithful and backstabbing. New opportunities. Infaltion; raising prices. Depression and recession. Adultering presidents. Liars. Good samaritans: the lastest oxymoron. Honest farmers, hard workers making shit. The food of the world. Controlling monopolies. Drugs, sex n rock n roll. Napster: good site, shut down. iTurf. Paying for email, telemarketers. Abuse. America’s teenagers: depression, suicide. Does anyone care? yellowribbon.org. Middle America. Rap. Cencership. Freedom of speech. School shootings. People dying. Gun shots, explosions. Kidnapped. Where’s the Love? “whatever happened to the values of humanity? whatever happened to the fairness and equality instead of spreading love we spreadin animosity lack of understandin leading us away from unity that’s the reason why sometimes I’m feelin under that’s the reason why sometimes I’m feelin down It’s no wonder why sometimes I’m feelin under gotta keep my faith alive till love is found”

I slept really good last night. But I had a dream…

My mom was looking through my stuff. She didn’t know I was watching her. So I say, “If I can’t trust you to not look through my stuff, how can I live with you?” So we get in the car. And I ask her, “Why were you looking through my stuff?” She’s quiet for a very long time. Then she says, “Well, we’re going on vacation, and I needed to clean out your backpack to pack some clothes.” I knew she was lying, then I woke up.

I think that’s kinda interesting. I think it shows how she really is, so I don’t think I can live with her now. I’m supposed to go there today after I leave grandma’s. I dunno. I wanna see Rach, but I don’t know if I can stand being around my mother. I’m kinda grouchy right now. I don’t know why. Dad’s shoulder still isn’t much better. He has it in a sling. We saw Barb yesterday. She’s in a lot of pain. Every time she moves, she hurts from the stitches. She might have to have chemo or radiation. I feel so bad for her. DeVante lives with her, and I know she doesn’t like it when he sees her in pain. He’s her grandson. But I think he’s taking it pretty well. They took a whole lobe off her right lung.

Black Clouds-Papa Roach

This is making me crazy
These black clouds following me
So I look for signs of light
But rarely I see them

I return to my shelter
And I crawl in a bottle
I’m losing my will for this
So over emotional

Black clouds
They rain down but
They can’t kill the sun

Confession of depression
This life I’m second-guessing
Like ashes to ashes
I always seem to fall down
I’m tired of running
It’s time to face my demons
Confession of depression
This life I’m second-guessing

My emotions are storming
And tears fall just like rain
Pain strikes like lightning
Despair is becoming my friend

I’m pushing myself to a point of self-destruction

Black clouds
They rain down but
They can’t kill the sun inside

As Ben would say: “Poop is not a form of paint.”

My life kinda reeks right now. My dad’s shoulder hurts really bad right now, he can’t even move his arm. I worked every damn day this week. I’m tired. Barb quit. She’s one of the cooks, so now we only have one cook. I don’t really care about Barb, but I feel bad that Vonda was crying. My mom was disappointed that I didn’t go home last night after work. But I was tired! What the hell am I supposed to do? Jo can’t hardly walk. I feel bad for her cuz she’s in pain. I guess I’m what you’d call compassionate. A lot of things kinda get to me, I just don’t let it show. And I’m really quiet in school. A lot of times, I just don’t feel like talking. I feel depressed a lot again. I think maybe my life is just not worth livng anymore. But how many times in my life am I going to feel that way? I mean, I wake up from nightmares, I can’t sleep at night, I have no one to talk to…and I think that if I killed myself, no one would care. Seriously..if everyone goes behind my back and talks about me, why would they care if I wasn’t here anymore? Besides, I’m only gonna see them for about 8 more months, so what if it’s cut short? I don’t know. I honestly don’t care anymore.

nothing to say today. going to grandma’s tomorrow. work tonight……

Random things on my mind:

I ended up working last night.  Anywho, I didn’t get my raise on this check either. So I’m kinda disappointed, cuz my check was shit. Miranda’s feeling a bit of the sickness. My mom tells me she’s not moving. Jo’s feelin like shit. I slept in this morning. Yesterday at work I wrote an abstract little blurb. But I don’t have it with me, so I can’t share it. I miss Chris. Even after over a year, I still do. My nails make it hard to type. I hate school. But I gotta go to college..I’m goin to St. Cloud State. I need a haircut. I’m goin into the FBI. Gonna be a “profiler”. Gonna be a rock star. Gonna be a millioniare. I’m tired again. My job sucks. I get paid shit. I wanna be at my dad’s house already. I get to work with Tabitha tonight. She came in last night, cuz it got REALLY busy. Megan couldn’t get all the tables herself, so they called in Tabitha. She said it makes her sad when I’m sad. She sang the Seseme Street song..”Sunny days..”. I wonder if she’s gonna feed her horses after work or before. I wanna go feed the ponies. I miss seeing them. I haven’t seen them in forever. The Chi, The Chu, and Jaja. In other words, Harley, Indy, and Rebel. Rebel’s so pretty. The most beautiful color for a horse! Brownish red. So gorgeous. Tabitha always tries to make me laugh because I’m always looking depressed. Dorthy, the cook, told me that she couldn’t figure me out. She said that I’m always sad, and yet I smile. I’m always looking depressed, yet I laugh. I told her I do that because I can’t stand seeing other people that way, but I can’t make myself laugh. Tabitha and my dad are the only ones who can get me out of one of my moods. Anywayz, I’m gonna go now cuz it’s raining in China.

I’m tired. I have to go out on the boat today, after school. Well, I’m getting out early, @ 2:00.

I’m living at Miranda’s house, but I spent the night at my mom’s house last night. I did my nails, and it took forever.I painted them a dark brown, a pretty fall color. Taylor was asleep when I got there, so I don’t even know why I had to stay there. Mom wanted me to babysit her. I went there after work last night. I got a raise! But I don’t know how much until I pick up my check today. “Pay day pay day, hey, hey, what you say..I wanna get paid.” I’m goin to my dad’s house on Saturday. We’re renting 2 Fast 2 Furious and Dreamcatcher. I wonder if he got Hollywood Homicide. I love that movie. It’s hilarious.

Lindsey’s cool.

I don’t feel like writing