October 27, 2003

• I’m in a pit of self-loathing. Why does everything have to be so bad? My mom keeps trying to send me on guilt trips everytime I go there. She wouldn’d let me take my fuckin guitar. That pissed me off. So when Rach goes to get her stuff cuz I’m driving her home, right? So mom starts attacking me again, telling me that it’s me and Rach’s fault that Taylor’s anxiety attacks are worse now that we don’t live there anymore. Then she says that “we had our good moments.” So I say, “Yeah, I can remember them so well cuz they’re so frickin good.” And I left. I didn’t say good bye, didn’t even turn around to wave. But I don’t fuckin care. She’s always such a bitch to me, so I gave her a dose of her own medicine. But I’m such a compassionate and sentimental person that I couldn’t stop thinking about what I’d said. I think I might have actually regretted my words. But what else am I supposed to do? Just be stoic? Yeah, I might have been that way before, but not anymore. I’m not gonna let her give me any more shit. Then when I got back from taking Rach home, she acted like everything was okay, like she always does. So I found it hard to bring up our words, and I couldn’t. So when I left to go home to sleep, she told me to call and not be a stranger. I think she has changed, but I also think she finds it hard to keep that way. Like she slips and says something she doesn’t mean, but she can’t apologize for it because she doesn’t know how. And yet, although she’s changed, I can’t handle it. I can’t handle those slips of hers because I have so many other things on my plate. Like in my head, ya know? And I don’t know how to deal with a lot of it. Like I probably shouldn’t have just walked out on her, but I did. But I can’t help it, cuz I was already upset about something else, and she only made it worse. So I can’t move back there. I would be asking for it because I really can’t handle it. I think I’m already on my way to a breakdown. I cried last night because of everything that’s going on. I didn’t want to, but I did. I hate crying, it’s so awful. My throat closes up and it’s hard to breathe. I can’t see because of my tears.

  
  

  The Vikings lost yesterday. That was bad. I’m going to a Vikes game on Nov. 23rd. Against the Lions. I’m going to a Wolves game on Wed. this week. But I’m not excited about either of them.

  • 1:13 pm
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