September 12, 2012
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Had A Breakdown
So last week I posted about being depressed…and it turned into a breakdown. A horrible one. I cried on Saturday night pretty bad and I’ve been feeling sad, without really knowing why. Then yesterday and last night were really bad. I was feeling sad after I messed something up in the morning and I felt really bad about it. Pretty much felt like an asshole. Then I had more bad conversations and thoughts, ending the night really not well. I couldn’t write any Facebook statuses that were on my mind because I felt like I wasn’t saying anything right. I tried reading something but re-read the same line 5 times and couldn’t comprehend it. I was told I needed sleep, but I felt like I wouldn’t be able to if I tried.
Then I cried so hard I started coughing and banged my fist on my desk 3 times, really hard. At first I thought I broke something it hurt so bad. When I woke up my hand hurt, and it still does. But it’s not swollen, so I figure everything is fine…I can move everything. I wanted to scream I was hurting so bad emotionally. Cutting vaguely occurred to me, but I didn’t because I know people would have been even more upset with me. I wanted to throw my phone and destroy something. The urge was so powerful I couldn’t touch my phone. It took a little bit, but I calmed down enough to send a message I wanted to send and try to sleep. It took me an hour to fall asleep.
This morning I woke up and forced myself to have a better day. Talking with someone helped with that and I feel a lot better. I don’t think I’m up to 100% yet, but thankfully the breakdown is behind me and there’s no where to go from here but up.
Just thought I should share why I haven’t been around…I feel like nothing I say would bear any significance to anyone..that no one really cares.
Comments (13)
But I am glad that you’re feeling much better from then, and I hope you continue to feel better.
I’m always keeping you in my thoughts, dear.
*hugs*
I’m sorry, sweetie. I understand the breakdown because I’ve had them before. You’ve had a rough year and it’s normal for times like that.
And whatever you say, it always has some significance in some way. <3
i hope you feel even better real soon
Ick. It’s been a while since I’ve been in a pit like that, but I definitely know what it’s like. I hope you can start climbing out of it soon.
More people care than you realize, I imagine. Hope your head’s in a better place today. Keep well.
Why did you cry? I hope Dan writes a comment to cheer you.
*Hugs* I am so sorry to hear that. You could have reached me or send me a message. Sometimes it is better to talk to someone….. I have been through that a lot and I know how it feels. Hope everything is o.k. now?
Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way.
I care. We all get down sometimes, we all feel like nobody cares sometimes. Just know that feelings aren’t always true and that we care.
This is a very personal question, and its okay to not respond, but think about it at least. First, depression leads to that “I feel horrible but I don’t know why” and having this occur suddenly can correspond to being bipolar, or to things like your menstrual cycle. Is that coming up soon, because PMDD can be really severe. A friend of mine would get almost suicidal before her period each month, and the day it started she felt so much better. I’m sorry you felt so awful.
just take it one day at a time.
OH hunny
We all go through bad times. I had a horrible period in my life this year for several months. Whatever the reason is behind your suffering, I feel for you. It’s good that you’re forcing yourself to have better days. I promise you that if you stay positive and try to think optimistically that it will change how you feel. Never be afraid to reach out to someone else. Even if that someone else is a complete stranger. They may offer you advice, or even just LISTENING will relieve you. You don’t have to shoulder a burden alone. We’re human and we’re social and we need to lean on each other. The only way to get better is to lean on others and try to change your outlook as much as you can. Vent, scream and cry if you need to, and release that poison. I wish you nothing but future happiness 
I am sorry you are having a rough time. I’ve had a few similar breakdowns too. I don’t know you very well, but I really like what you have to say. You are an independent thinker with a great mind, and I have a lot of respect for that.