There are some people here who know my circumstances, and there are some who don't. I have some new friends since I've talked about this, but I had a conversation last night that made me think that I should re-visit this..a little bit of my history. I want to tell you, if I can do this, you can too. There's no reason not to...but I have to warn you, it may be triggering.

I've been through a lot in my life. I've had a lot of bad things happen to me. I'll tell you some things so you can understand. My parents were separated when I was about 1, divorced when I was 3. When I was 4, my mom had a child with another man. When I was 5, my dad had a child with another woman. When I was 8, my mom had another baby with yet another man (she is still with him). Anyway, that's my family tree. I lived with my dad most of my life. After 9th grade, I went to live with my mother. No one warned me how she really was.

She's crazy. All the drugs and drinking have created brain damage, and she is nuts. She's cruel and violent. She only attacked me once, and I fought back so she never tried it again. I never slept at home. I was terrified that she was going to kill me in my sleep. I was always prepared to jump out of bed and run...especially after the first time I saw her go after my step dad with a knife. I lived with this for three years. Senior year she kicked me out of the house a couple of times, and I moved from one friend's house to another, back home...I ended up moving 6 times. I practically lived out of my car.

Well, living with my dad wasn't so great either..at first. He did drugs and drank too, with his girlfriend of the time. While they had their parties in the living room, one of their friends would creep into my room and molest me. I don't know how long it went on. I don't remember exactly how old I was. I think I was about 5, maybe 6. My dad cleaned up when I was 10, and it's at that point I can remember more about my life. I had two childlike years I remember at 10 and 11. After that, things got hard again. I started having suicidal thoughts, I wanted to die. I never knew why, because I didn't start remembering the molestation until I was a senior in high school.

Senior year was really messed up. There was everything I was going through with my mother, and on top of it I started remembering all of these disturbing things. After I graduated, I went back to living with my dad and I got a job. I had a full time job for the next 8 years. But, for much of it, I was like a zombie. I was just doing things without emotion. Everything had been way too much, and my mind retreated into itself. I pretty much felt nothing, and I barely remember anything about those 4 or 5 years. It was like a black hole I was living in, the energy and life was sucked out of me. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't sad either. It was like I was nothing. I started cutting. I felt like, I needed to feel SOMETHING. Just, anything. Even if it was just physical, I needed to feel something resembling human, so I hurt myself to make life seem real. And it was bliss for me. It was everything. I would cut 30 or more slashes at once, and I was doing it every few days. It didn't really hurt as I was doing it, but it would sting the next day in the shower, and it felt glorious to me. I loved the way my jeans rubbed on the cuts and made them hurt. It was the one thing I had...to feel.

I was also drinking a lot, and doing foolish things and making stupid decisions. I got drunk because it made me happy. Most of the time. There have been plenty of bad experiences, most of them on tequila. There was one time I wanted to kill myself and I was at my aunt's house. I went into her kitchen and took a knife and tried cutting my wrists up and down. Luckily, it wasn't a good knife and didn't do anything but make some scratches.

I started getting better when I read about Wicca and Paganism. It felt so peaceful, reading about the serenity of the relationship between the earth and the moon and nature. But, it was just a start. It's been a very long, hard road, getting better from my past. Every day, I feel like I get stronger. Sometimes, I honestly don't know how I did it, because I was so incredibly damaged for so long. I was in a truly horrible place in my mind. I always felt like there is no hope for me, that I would never be better and that I would never be with anyone.

I truly believe in the power of the mind. If you believe those things, they will be true. If you make a decision to change your mind, to be in a better place, it will happen. The process is a long one, but it's so worth it. If you're in a bad place, you can do it. Just tell yourself, I'm not going to let this be me anymore. Take small steps every day and change the way you think. It's hard, I know it is. But I am so much happier knowing that my mind is stronger, and nothing can stop me. From now on, whatever hardships come my way, I know I'll be able to handle it. Not only with difficult situations, but with everything. I can stand my ground, whereas before I would crumble.

It's more than worth it to free your mind from your demons, and you can do it. The human mind is so incredibly powerful, and once a decision is made, you can do anything. Just let yourself become who you truly want to be. Don't ever let anyone or anything hold you down..most importantly, don't let yourself do it.

It's been a very long time since I've written a RE post..but I read this one by @Xcite_Media, and to be honest I got kind of irritated. Everyone's entitled to their opinions, but I think there are some fundamental things wrong with this.

There's more to love than being physical, so much more. I don't think you can truly appreciate or value someone unless you know their mind. Know their thoughts, what they think, how they feel about things. It's important to know what they value, what they think is important. How can you truly love someone for who they are unless you know these things? And how do you find them out? By talking. Lots and lots and lots of talking. Talking about everything, in a depth that you rarely share with anyone else. Telling someone your deepest thoughts. You can do this over the internet. Texting, calling, Skype, Yahoo, you name it...there's so many ways to communicate.

I think that people greatly undervalue this aspect. This is why people don't work out as a couple. People get so wrapped up in the physical and sex, they don't pay attention to the most important part of it all. How can you live with someone if you don't communicate? It's important to know if you're even of compatible MINDS before you get physical with each other. Otherwise, what's the point? To satisfy a sexual, physical urge? What's the value in that? I think that's the wrong way to go about it.

Don't get me wrong, sex is important too. If you're long distance, there's sexting and phone sex until you meet. But I think it's less important than getting to know someone in the deepest of ways. Yes, it is possible to fall in love over the internet. I don't fall in love with the physicality of a person. I fall in love with their mind, the way they think, their thoughts, their intellect. I could be physically attracted to someone, but I could never be with someone who's on a lower level than I am intellectually. I just couldn't. I need stimulating and engaging conversation. That's what I fall in love with. And, I've fallen in love that way both over the internet and in person. Sexual attraction is important...but if you have it while you're having phone sex and sexting, it will be there in person.

I have known many couples who have fallen in love over the internet and they are still together. My uncle met his wife over the internet about 12-14 years ago and they are still together, with 2 kids. Kylie and Fred met on Xanga, and they are still together, for 5-6 years now, happily married, with a child on the way. Summer and Jim met on Xanga, they are engaged and they have a child on the way.

If you think love over the internet is merely expressed by emotes, you're sadly mistaken. There's a deeper communication there than you could ever imagine. There's something about getting to know people a lot more before you have sex, and I think more people should do it. I think there would be a lot less heartbreak in the world.

On and off for weeks I've been having internal pains. On my left side, under my boob, underneath my ribcage, I get stabs of pain, like someone is literally stabbing me. It hurts like that for a minute, and then it goes down to a constant ache. It happens randomly, but it feels like it's getting worse. The last time it happened it was really bad and it hurt really bad for nearly two hours. Sometimes I get less severe pain on my right side, lower but still underneath my rib cage.

Then there's these goddamn cramps. They were the worst last week Saturday through Wednesday when I couldn't move or I would be in a lot of pain. They got better but they're back now that I actually have my period. I took some extended relief Midol an hour ago and they aren't doing anything. It feels like someone is squeezing my insides in their fist.

Why am I having pains like this? I've always had bad cramps, but usually Midol takes away the pain. It didn't last week either...and why was I getting cramps a week before my period anyway? I'm just sick of feeling like crap. I want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head.

Plus, the other day, my heart was pounding really hard for hours. I was just laying there..and it wasn't racing, just pounding hard, so hard I could feel my heartbeat resonating through my shoulders down to my arms. What the fuck.

Had a great morning and then I went to Target and got some things...realized I forgot to buy more hangers when I got home...so I couldn't do my laundry. I realized that I somehow have a ton of clothes. The reason I didn't realize how much I have is because there's been a huge mound of clothing on the floor of my closet for forever now...and I start going through the pile, "oh, that's where that's been!" and I buy new clothes when there's stuff on sale or clearance. I never buy clothing full price, ever.

ANYWAY. I cleaned my bookcase. I packed up all my books on Wicca and Paganism. There were a few journals from high school and after...and I didn't read everything, but what I did read was overwhelming. But still, I feel proud of how far I've come and my outlook on life..how I've changed and grown as a person, the possibilities I see in myself. I also cleaned out my desk, threw a lot of shit away. Packed up my crafts in *another* tote and put it on the shelf in my closet...not that you care about the particulars...I'll stop now and say that I cleaned and organized today, lol. I'm still not done, but I got pretty far.

It continues to be a good evening, and I'm going to take a shower then watch some more Firefly. I've watched three episodes...and can't believe they canceled this show. It's a travesty, because it's so damn awesome!

"Proximity alert. We must be coming up on something."
"Oh my god, what could it be? We're all doomed! Who's flying this thing?!? Oh right, that would be me."

And, I made a new theme, Firefly!! Don't you just love it?!

I hope everyone is well!! ^_^

I'll never forget this episode of Everybody Loves Raymond...Debra was crabby about something, I don't know what, and someone (I don't remember who) convinced Ray that she was PMSing. So he brings home some Midol and gives it to her, saying, "Here, I thought you could use this honey." They might have said a few other lines, but she says, "But not bitchy, right Ray?" The funny thing is, in some Midol and Pamprin it says it relieves "irritability." Maybe I should have taken some...

Anyway, I'm PMSing today. Traffic was pissing me off to no end. I ended up speeding at 90mph several times to get around people when that wasn't necessary...and the speed limit is 65. I listened to angry music on the way home and not much has improved my mood, especially since I got home and realized just how much cleaning I have to do. My room is a disaster. I have to put clothes away I don't wear because I don't have enough hangers. I need to clean my bookcase and box some of my books up, including textbooks from last semester. I also have to vacuum and entirely clean my bathroom. I have a couple of boxes I need to bring down to the storage room. And I don't want to do any of it. The only thing I could do was start a load of laundry and put all the shit away I brought home from mom's that's been there all summer.

I wish I had my own place. I don't have enough room for all my stuff in my bedroom. Definitely not enough room for all my books, which have to be numbering around 1,000 by now, if not more.

If you had 1,000+ books and had enough room to display them, how would you catalog them?

I find myself struggling with my bills, and I have some extra time this semester since I'm only taking 3 classes. I would like to try to make candles to sell. I would like to know if people would buy them if I made them.

I am going to buy some supplies when I get my loan money, and the first candles I'm going to make will be for Christmas gifts for my family. After that, I will try and sell the remainder. I've spent all evening researching costs of supplies from different places and figured out where I will buy what from where (unfortunately, not one supplier has the best deal for all supplies). I'm also thinking of making tarts.

Here's the sizes of candles I would sell and the cost of each:

8 oz tureen candle- $8
3 oz tureen candle- $4.50
4 oz tin candle- $5
1 oz tarts- $.75

I've also been researching different scents I would like to try, and here's just a few (I'm looking at a lot of fall scents, such as pumpkin and hazelnut...and I also love bases of coconut and pineapple):

Autumn Harvest: orange, grapefruit, and clove
Butternut Pumpkin: butternut squash, pumpkin puree, cinnamon, clove, and vanilla
Cappuccino Brulee: vanilla beans, coffee beans, and cocoa beans
Coconut Hibiscus: hibiscus, violet, and peony with a base of vanilla and coconut
Hazelnut Coffee: hazelnut and cream
Maple Pecan: pecans with maple syrup and vanilla
Pina Colada: coconut and fruity top notes with a sweet musky background

These are just some scents that I'm interested in, with the list continuing to grow. I would like to know if this a feasible thing to do, sell candles. I know many people love candles, and I would add personal touches to them as well to make them even better. I would hold contests for free product, the ability to choose a scent, free shipping, etc. Speaking of shipping, that is something I have not yet calculated. Depending on the number of tarts one buys, the shipping for that would be about $3, because I know how much it would cost to ship those. Other than that, I am not sure.

So please, would you let me know honestly if you would buy candles if I sold them? Do you have any suggestions? As far as payment, I would accept PayPal, and *possibly* cash/check/money orders...however, it would take longer to get your product. Please let me know!!!

Oh, and I forgot to mention, they would be soy candles =]

Voting is open for MXA, round 1!! You can vote for me HERE XD

Anyway, I go into the bathroom in the wee hours of the morning and I'm just sitting there, and the automatic light turns off (my sister's bathroom has a sensor for the light). I wave my hand to turn it back on, and I see the biggest damn spider EVER. OMFG. It was the size of two quarters together. I was proud of myself for not freaking out...and I killed it...but it was still terrifying enough that I couldn't sleep. There's spiders like that lurking around and CRAWLING ON ME AS I'M SLEEPING?!? *shudder* I haven't seen any spiders at all in my house, thank god.

I haven't even started writing chapter 11, sadly...I've been feeling listless because I'm trying to cut down on caffeine and my energy is down and I feel really tired. I've also been reading Atlas Shrugged. Anyway, I've gotta get going to the office....I hope everyone has a wonderful day!!

Part 1: About Me

My name is Crystal and I am 26. I'm currently going to school for psychology, and I'm taking three classes this fall. I only have a few generals left, and my GPA thus far is 3.5, which I am very proud of. Some classes are harder than others, and I was happy when I got a B in cultural anthropology this last summer semester. I've been on Xanga for nearly 9 years, and although I've been in and out and sometimes irritated with the "Xanga drama," I truly love it here and I love the people I've met, many of them becoming great friends.

Lately, I've been spending a lot of time reading philosophy and learning about the universe. Scientists say that every atom in our body came from stardust. I think that's incredibly poetic. If anyone has Netflix and has a chance, I highly recommend watching How the Universe Works. It's a mind boggling and beautiful series. I've also been spending a lot of time writing. For the first time ever, I have a vision on where I want a novel to go and how I plan on getting there. It's really exciting, and I'm nearly 1/3 done with my word count goal.

People say that I'm funny, and I guess that's true. I mean, when you're not trying, one has to wonder what everyone is talking about. I suppose I say some funny things, like, "woah, woah, let's not get crazy here," when a kid at a baby shower wanted to trade my prize of peanut butter M&Ms for his Dots. That, young sir, is just not happening! Other than being funny, I'm one of the greatest friends you could have, I think. All the time people are coming to me for advice, and I help them as much as I can. Not to say this is all that I do, but I'm there for the people that I care about. I'm loving life and I'm more happy now than ever, and I hope that continues!

Part Two: The Fairy Tale

Rapunzel, from Tangled, seeks nothing more than freedom, but at the same time, she fears it. She laments the fact that she is not able to step foot from her tower and wonders what lies out in the world. The witch she thinks is her mother, forces her to stay in the tower, to use her for the magic within her hair to keep her from aging. While the witch is out, Flynn climbs the tower to escape from a couple of thugs he swindled and the law. He makes a deal with Rapunzel to take her from the tower and escort her to see the glowing lanterns that light up the night sky every year on her birthday.

At first, she's conflicted about her new found freedom, but soon learns that she enjoys the freedom, and the company of the thief, Flynn. They go on an adventure, running from thugs and the law and the witch finds a way to get Rapunzel to doubt Flynn's intentions, bringing her back to the tower. Flynn goes back for her and rescues her from the witch, and she is then reunited with her real family, the king and queen.

This is a story that has more than one moral, but I think the most important one is the idea of freedom. It's important for man to feel truly free in his life, freed from the chains of bondage. It is only through freedom that man can find true happiness, and that's the fundamental moral that we should all seek. One cannot be fulfilled unless one is happy, living a life of freedom. Also, my hair is super long too (just had to throw that out there! XD).

who thinks family talking about sex and Fifty Shades is weird and/or uncomfortable...

Anyway, just writing to say how excited I am about MXA, whoot!! Fairy tales are my thing...I'm writing one right now

Speaking of, chapter eight is posted!! You can read it HERE.

You can start from the beginning HERE.

I'm writing chapter nine right now....but chapter ten is going to be the best chapter yet...no one is going to want to miss it

Hope everyone is well =]

I may or may not be the only person that feels this way, but to me, it's just plain WEIRD and uncomfortable when your family starts talking about sex and Fifty Shades of Grey. I do not want to know that my family members are reading those books...

I was at dinner with my sister Rachel, my mother, my aunt and her boyfriend, and my grandparents last night. So they start talking about Fifty Shades... *facepalm* My grandma tells me that my novel isn't any good unless there's lots of good, steamy sex.  Then my aunt asks me if I've ever been in a sex toy store  And my mom says that ever since she's read the books, my step father will randomly give her a good smack on the ass  Then she tells my aunt's boyfriend that if he reads the books, he will go to the adult toy store and buy a flogger. My mother, my aunt, and my sister have read the books. My grandmother wants to read them.

Since we were sitting in a restaurant, I couldn't exactly spout off about how horrible the books are and that they grossly misrepresent the lifestyle. My grandma said that I need to do lots and lots of research to write my novel. I said, "I don't really need to do any research. I already know what a violet wand is." Everyone looks at me and goes, what is that? "It's an electric wand, about this long (using my hands to gesture), that you use to poke your submissive to electrocute them," I say. "Why would you do that?" My aunt asks. "It provides stimulation." My aunt says, "Oh my," and covers her mouth with her hand.

I just never, ever want to go through this again. It was horrible...and my sister didn't contribute to the conversation at all...so she was just as mortified as I was. Thankfully, the conversation soon passed onto other topics, but still....