June 25, 2012
-
Getting away from the past
I just need to get this out of my head.
I was at the office, and the entire drive back to my mom’s house, I thought about how to articulate my thoughts. Sometimes, it’s hard to know where to start. Those who have followed my blog for a while (very few go back the whole 8 1/2 years, but there are some), know how far I’ve come in dealing with my past. Many have called me strong. I often don’t feel strong, but maybe my standards for myself are too high. I don’t know.
I’ve never spoken aloud the details of being molested. Cody has tried to get me to talk about it a few times, I know, but I never do when he tries. I know that when I do, I will break down. I will sob. My mom asked me what’s wrong, but I didn’t say anything.
It’s hard, when someone judges my current actions without knowing my past. Because I know the truth, and the difficulties I’ve had. I sometimes wonder if I will be damaged for forever. If I will always shy away from someone’s touch. I wonder who will put up with me. I wonder what I would be like if this had never happened. But that’s part of the journey, isn’t it? Stumbling, and getting back up, saying and doing the wrong things, constantly screwing up, feeling like a failure, taking the wrong path and somehow finding your way back, wandering through the maze, confused at what you’re supposed to be doing, the struggles and the strife… The journey of healing never seems to end. This will be with me for forever, I think.
Isn’t there anyone out there who will understand my tears and not judge them? Someone who will kiss them away and just hold me until I’ve exhausted my sobbing? Someone who will take the bad with the good? I have more good days than bad days, but the bad days are really terrible sometimes. Won’t there ever be someone I can be with that understands my fears?
Sometimes, I just don’t feel very strong. I feel like everything I’ve worked so hard for will come tumbling down and I’ll have to start all over again. Today, I feel like I haven’t come very far at all, but in the back of my mind, I know I have. I know that the tears I’ve cried today are only a road block, but it feels like something more, like something has come undone. Sometimes, I feel like, how much better I am from before is fake, it’s not real, and I’m only fooling myself. How do we really know?
I’m just lost today, maybe. I have an hour and a half before I have to get back to work, and I hope I feel better by then, because I’m supposed to start making phone calls tonight to sell tickets.
I’m not even sure if this blog is right, if I’ve said something wrong. So often my thoughts get jumbled, then my mind just picks something negative and it repeats over and over in my head, so nothing is really clear at the moment.
Comments (18)
It’s good to let it out, no one should bear this burden alone…
There is nothing wrong you wrote in here. At all.
I’ve been raped numerous times and after the first one, I didn’t tell -anyone- about the 2nd or 3rd one until I was 14, I think.
I was hell for me. I was cutting. I was purging and addicted to laxatives and almost died from renal failure because I was afraid to tell anyone.
It’s a journey. It really is.
It took me the longest time to accept someone even touching me in a comforting way because I was always afraid it’d hurt and that all I was good for was sex.
You are going to find someone who loves you and sees the strength in you and how beautiful you are for surviving. And if people judge you, fuck ‘em. They don’t know your past or your struggles and if they’re judging you based on ignorance, they’re not worth it. At all.
Love you.
Sweetie, I know what you’re feeling 1 billion percent. Although I haven’t suffered the awful fate you did, my virginity was taken away from me by a con artist who specialized in manipulation. For a year months I was in a friends with benefits situation with somebody I was in love with, 3 years ago. He left when he was done with me, and I tried killing myself. I still have a hard time remembering what happened but if you suppress them and don’t battle them head on they’ll be with you forever, running from them will only make it worse (I learned the hard way). I don’t know if it’ll help you, but writing out all of your emotions helps…writing out what happened helps. I’ve been doing the same thing on xanga..little by little.
Gurrrlllll you need a big hug. (no homo)
Hugs! I’m a rape victim and i deal with the same fears, and the fear of being alone! I hope it gets better for you
The terrible times are difficult to leave in the past. There is no judgement needed and most off all you should not be a hard judge yourself. This blog is a great step for yourself to release you from the bondage of those events. I hope you will find that person that will come and help you to heal the wounds.
There are therapists who specialize in your situation and support groups of people who have suffered like you have. No reason you shouldn’t have somebody to talk to whenever you’re ready.
You’re older and stronger and smarter and out of danger now.
I think its beautiful, to just let thoughts flow from your head to your paper or screen. Who cares if it is jumbled. Sometimes, things just need released.
You’re not alone, my dear <3 *hugs* If you ever need to talk, you can message me on here or Facebook. I know how you feel.
Lots of love girl.
As humans we feel like we have to measure our progress…more good days than bad days means you’re healing and more bad days than good days means your regressing. I think that’s a dangerous and inaccurate way to look at it.
Feeling weak doesn’t mean you ARE weak, just like having a bad day doesn’t negate all the progress you’ve made. Try not to be too hard on yourself, love. The fact is, time is moving forward, and so are you. As long as you’re still fighting, you’re winning. *hugs*
I don’t know if there are any support groups near you, but if you were to find one then you may be able to find someone else who has been through something similar and will be able to understand you and give you a shoulder to cry on.
hang in there !!!
Just letting all the words out here can help. And you’ve got great people listening to you here and not judging you. You’re great and lovely, and you’re strong.
*big hug*
Feelings are like a body of water. They ebb and flow, and they are neither right nor wrong. You said nothing awful in this post, so keep on sharing your feelings. At least some of us here will listen and not judge. Those who do judge are just fooling themselves into thinking they are somehow better.
There is never any reason to judge, and yes, some people will just let you cry, rage and hurt whether they understand or not.
So sorry for what you are going through. Have you tried to find a counselor for yourself. It would do you a lot of good if you can find one. And don’t bother about the people who may judge you. Screw them!
I do know how far you’ve come and know the struggle you have with it all. The truth is that none of are strong all the time, we all have our times of weakness, our times when all we want to do is find somewhere to hide. Don’t ever think you’re failing yourself when that happens.