I'm hot cuz I'm fly, you ain't cuz you not.....

LOL, just kidding!!! Had to get your attention somehow....

Anyways, I've got my WordPress all set up. Strictly for fiction writing!! This will remain my personal blog, so no worries, I'm not going anywhere

http://alittleclosertofiction.wordpress.com/2012/06/30/getting-my-feet-a-little-wet/

Okay, so it's time to get serious, guys. And by serious, I mean about my writing. I think that I gave up, because there were people that told me it's not realistic, and I let that effect me and my mind. Obviously, there's still creativity in me, I just need to pull it out.

Anyway, the purpose of this post is to ask an opinion. I want to share my writing with everyone, not just Xanga. So, I want to create a blog on another forum so I can share it on Xanga AND Facebook. For reasons, I do not share my Xanga on Facebook. I don't want IRL people to see this blog, because it's incredibly personal. I do, however, add Xanga friends on Facebook. One way can work, but not both ways.

So where should I set up another blog, just for my creative writing? I will take your suggestions and weigh my options thoroughly, and hopefully I find a good home for my writing.

And, no worries, I will still be on Xanga too

She wanted him, that much was true. She squeezed her legs together and tried not to think about it. The thoughts came unbidden to her mind. Giving up all pretense of trying not to think about him, she closed her eyes and bit her lip, imagining his hands all over her body, and the quiet rustle of clothing being shed. She thought of his hands gently gliding up and down her arms, his fingers splayed and his palm skimming up her stomach to caress her breasts. As she thought of him touching her, she let her fingers lightly graze her cleavage, keeping her eyes closed. She softly sighed.

She thought about him lightly running his fingertips up and down her legs, not yet touching between her thighs. She thought of his soft lips kissing hers, his tongue slipping in and laying claim to her mouth, of his teeth gently pulling at her lower lip. She bit her lip again as she imagined it, and of his teeth nipping at her neck. The more she imagined, the more she could feel the wetness between her legs. She knew she should stop, but she couldn't.

She thought of her own hands roaming his body, up and down and back again. The teasing thought of neither of them touching each others sex yet made her dizzy with anticipation. She reached down her shirt and lightly ran a fingertip over a nipple, sharply inhaling as she thought of him taking a breast into his mouth and sucking, taking her nipple between his teeth and pulling. She rolled her own nipple between her fingers and softly pinching.

As she thought of him kissing his way down her stomach to her navel, and finally kissing her soft mound of womanhood, she kept a breast in one hand and reached down between her legs with the other. Over her shorts she started rubbing herself, and as she pressed down, she discovered that her panties were soaking wet. She moaned as she imagined him licking and teasing her clit. Her breath was starting to come in soft pants, as she kept rubbing herself faster.

She thought about him entering her with his manhood, slow at first, but deep. She moaned as her hand found its way inside her shorts and wet panties, crying out when skin touched skin. For a few moments her fingers entertained her clit, but quickly wanting more as she stuck her fingers inside herself. She shuddered at the contact, moaning. She worked her fingers in and out of her delicious wetness as quickly as she imagined him fucking her. Her breathing was rough and fast as she came, crying out loudly as her head fell back in rapture, shuddering. She pulled her wet fingers up and licked them clean, smelling sex, as she tried to catch her breath.

So, my youngest sister has been hospitalized for psychosis twice. Which, means psychotic. She had a lot of psychotic symptoms. The last time she was in the hospital, her doctors told us that if she ever does drugs again, she will go into a psychotic state, possibly permanently. She kept saying how much she hated being in the hospital.

So I come home from work, and what is she doing? Smoking weed with a friend. What. The. Fuck. She kept saying she doesn't need to do drugs anymore and blah blah blah. Now I feel like I can't trust her at all. I was at her side every fucking day this last time in the hospital, watching the most disturbing behavior I've ever seen. I thought she understood what the doctor meant about doing drugs, because she was told many times. Even on anti-psychotics she could go into psychosis. I don't know if I can go through that again. I really don't. It was just so hard, seeing my sister like that, thinking that she had killed her family. Saying I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry, over and over and over again, and crying. She refused to eat for 6 days. She barely drank enough fluids. She kept trying to kill herself in the hospital. She was on 24hr watch. There was a nurse watching her at all times. Just thinking about it.....

And when she was in the hospital, mom kept saying things were going to change. But nothing has.

What the fuck. Why would she do this? I just don't understand.

I don't know what to do. And I don't think I can write right now.

Regarding my last post, it's hard for me to reply to comments on something so personal, but I'll try...just not right now. But thank you for all the support everyone, it really means a lot to me, and it really turned my day around. You're all amazing <3

At the moment, I am trying to stir my muse. I'm looking at artwork on Deviant Art to inspire me. I've only done one, but what I'm going to do is paste the picture into Word, and just start writing what I see, and what I feel looking at it. I think this will be a good way for me to start writing again. I tried going to AllPoetry yesterday, but felt completely uninspired. I've created a favorites in DA of inspiration, and I've added several pieces already. Tomorrow I'm going to start writing about them. I know there are those here that miss my writing, so I'm going to try =]

Wish me luck =]

PS, this is what I've done so far....

(Night Goddess by Qinni)

She held the moon in her hands. A glowing orb that kept the secrets of the world within. Stars fell away, growing warm in their own regard. The ever-restless moon swirled and pulsed, giving energy and collecting it from the vastness around it. She marveled at it, enraptured by its beauty. Her long hair flowed around her from the never-still air. Could she ever release this from her hands?

I just need to get this out of my head.

I was at the office, and the entire drive back to my mom's house, I thought about how to articulate my thoughts. Sometimes, it's hard to know where to start. Those who have followed my blog for a while (very few go back the whole 8 1/2 years, but there are some), know how far I've come in dealing with my past. Many have called me strong. I often don't feel strong, but maybe my standards for myself are too high. I don't know.

I've never spoken aloud the details of being molested. Cody has tried to get me to talk about it a few times, I know, but I never do when he tries. I know that when I do, I will break down. I will sob. My mom asked me what's wrong, but I didn't say anything.

It's hard, when someone judges my current actions without knowing my past. Because I know the truth, and the difficulties I've had. I sometimes wonder if I will be damaged for forever. If I will always shy away from someone's touch. I wonder who will put up with me. I wonder what I would be like if this had never happened. But that's part of the journey, isn't it? Stumbling, and getting back up, saying and doing the wrong things, constantly screwing up, feeling like a failure, taking the wrong path and somehow finding your way back, wandering through the maze, confused at what you're supposed to be doing, the struggles and the strife... The journey of healing never seems to end. This will be with me for forever, I think.

Isn't there anyone out there who will understand my tears and not judge them? Someone who will kiss them away and just hold me until I've exhausted my sobbing? Someone who will take the bad with the good? I have more good days than bad days, but the bad days are really terrible sometimes. Won't there ever be someone I can be with that understands my fears?

Sometimes, I just don't feel very strong. I feel like everything I've worked so hard for will come tumbling down and I'll have to start all over again. Today, I feel like I haven't come very far at all, but in the back of my mind, I know I have. I know that the tears I've cried today are only a road block, but it feels like something more, like something has come undone. Sometimes, I feel like, how much better I am from before is fake, it's not real, and I'm only fooling myself. How do we really know?

I'm just lost today, maybe. I have an hour and a half before I have to get back to work, and I hope I feel better by then, because I'm supposed to start making phone calls tonight to sell tickets.

I'm not even sure if this blog is right, if I've said something wrong. So often my thoughts get jumbled, then my mind just picks something negative and it repeats over and over in my head, so nothing is really clear at the moment.

I am fucked up. That much is true. I don't always say my thoughts. You might change your opinions of me if I did. *sigh*

The panic attacks are back. They're so bad sometimes, and I have multiples in a day. My heart races and I can't breathe. I have negative thoughts that repeat over and over and over again. If I had the money, I would go to the doctor and get a prescription for anti-anxiety meds. As it is, I didn't get my birth control this month because I couldn't afford it. I hope that one month of missing it won't make my period go out of control. I could not handle another 14 days of heavy bleeding :/

What I'm dealing with, it's my burden. It will forever and always be on my conscience.

I took one of the valiums last night that I had left. Now I only have 2. These panic attacks feel so out of control, and I don't know how much more I can take. My heart is racing right now and I find it hard to breathe. Anyway, I have to get ready to leave and then drive nearly 2 hours....

So, this post is kind of going to be all, "me me me," but I think it's kind of a fact-finding mission, really.

A lot of people will tell me how great of a person I am, but I really don't think I'm out of the ordinary. I will give some examples...

My sister, Taylor, has been hospitalized twice recently because of psychosis. The first time, she was in a hospital that was an hour and a half away from me, and 3 hours away from my mom. My sister Rachel and I went to see her quite a bit, and drove a very long way to visit her. The second time, she was just miles from my mom's house, so I stayed in Taylor's room the entire time and went to see her every day. She thanked me for being a great sister and being there for her. To me, I feel like I HAVEN'T been a good sister. Years ago, when I moved out, I just left her here with my mother. And, she pushed me away and I let her. I wasn't a good sister to her for a very long time, and I have a lot of guilt about it.

Last week, my sister Rachel had two problems: her boyfriend was out of town and she was lonely, and her license is revoked. So, I stayed with her for the week and drove her to and from work.

People just tell me a lot how nice of a person I am, and I suppose that's true. I will do whatever I can for the people that I care about, always. I will always listen and offer advice whenever someone needs to talk. I'm just always there when someone needs me, and I guess people recognize this and feel the need to tell me how awesome I am.

My point is this...shouldn't everyone be this way? This selfless? Not to say that I'm not selfish, which I can be... But, shouldn't everyone be there for the people they care about like I am? I suppose I'm just generally nice to the people I don't know as well, but not to the extent that I am for close friends and family. I just have a nice disposition (generally, even though I can be very bitchy sometimes). Sometimes people take advantage, which really sucks, but usually if someone does me wrong once, I don't forgive them, depending on what the situation is.

But anyway, I think that everyone should do the things that I do for the ones we care about. It only seems natural that people would act the way I do towards loved ones, because that's just the way I am. I think that if more people did the kinds of selfless things I do, it wouldn't seem as out of the ordinary.

Those are just my thoughts.

So I'm back at my mom's house, and there's nothing to eat here. Is it worse to not eat, or go get something from McDonald's???? I'm so hungry. The last time I was down here I gained like 4 pounds. They don't know how to eat healthy and their grocery cart is pretty much always filled with fattening food and garbage. UGGH how the fuck am I supposed to stay the summer here?!? Plus, their kitchen is SO EFFING DISGUSTING. Seriously. Every time I clean it, it takes me an hour. Fucking gross, man. Seriously, is it really too much to rinse your dishes and put them in the dishwasher? It takes like half a minute!!! And the dishwasher is RIGHT THERE!!! No, instead, they leave food on the dishes and pile them in the sink, and let shit sit there until someone feels like cleaning it. Then, they put dishes in the dishwasher with food on them, and then the "clean" dishes have food stuck on them when the cycle is done. And the counters are disgusting with crumbs and shit all over...

How the fuck can anyone live this way?!?! That is NOT allowed in my house. After you cook or do anything in the kitchen, that shit gets cleaned up RIGHT AWAY. If it doesn't, you get bitched at. The kitchen at my house is always spotless. And I like it that way.

I don't know how I'm going to deal with this..... :/