May 2, 2012
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Fucked Up
Would it be weird for me to say that I miss being so mentally ill? Sometimes I miss feeling nothing. Sometimes I miss the self-fulfilling prophecy of hopelessness. I miss having the ability of not being able to cry. Is it even more fucked up that I want to be fucked up? At least then I knew what was in store for me: a bleak life. Now that I have more hope, I fear the future. I don’t know what will happen. At least before, I didn’t care. Is it fucked up that I want to be that way? I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere with a happier disposition. Does that seem strange? I miss being lost in the way that I was. Now I’m lost in a different way, not knowing where to go. Before, I felt like my soul was lost. Now, I just feel like a lost child.
I know that I’m still not okay, and that I’m better than what I was. But I miss what I was. I don’t even know why these thoughts run through my head, but they do. Maybe that’s the most fucked up thing of all. Not that I was worse, but that I want to return to it.
What the fuck is wrong with me.
What if I just disappeared
Suicides don’t happen when people are in the depths of depression. The ill are just unmotivated for any activity, even suicide. No, suicide happens when people hover around the edges of it. I learned that in psych this semester. Interesting thought, nothing more.
Comments (11)
I don’t think this is messed up at all. I think it’s normal. Everything in life is about patterns, and we gravtitate towards patterns that feel familiar and comfortable…so even though you know that your MI symptoms need to be decreased, it can still be a super scary thing to not only cope with them, but to positively cope and make a life for yourself. Just keep doing what you’re doing. All of us are wandering around like idiots anyway. We just think we know what we’re doing. *hugs*
Evolution is ‘wrong’ with you. Change is ‘wrong’ with you. … On the contrary; the only thing that may be actually wrong with you is your desire to go back, when there is only forward. The future is fearful, because it is uncertain. … but then, if you knew what the future held, that takes all the fun out of it,… doesn’t it?
As I tend to say when it comes to fear,… Fear is simply a thought. A mental construct. It’s a product that you’ve basically sold yourself on.
Just like all thoughts, it can be acknowledged, understood, controlled, and dismissed. (if you choose not to let them control you, and rather vice versa)
Perhaps you should try out a bit of ‘thought dismissal’, and see what new territory you can discover.
I had a similar experience and I’ll share it briefly but it’s not identical at all. But I think it gets to the heart of what you are saying.
I relate to this a lot, being “fucked up” is a powerful identity. I never realized it was an ‘identity’ at all, and then I went to this very powerful healing event. As part of the event we have to carry around this gigantic rock for three days (OK not gigantic, but HEAVY) and we did all this stuff. At the end of course we placed the rock and let go of all the crap, and I was out of town, I was so disoriented, I was EMPTY. COMPLETELY EMPTY. I barely caught my plane, but then I was so upset about being empty that i thought I was going to kill myself. (my entire life identiy was, you know, being all fucked up because of all the abuse and what not). Well, that was the big event for me. It was my enlightenment moment. It was a Buddhist type enlightenment ( you will hear Buddhists talk about the blissful emptiness).
It didn’t feel blissful to me at first, it felt like no reason to live anymore. So when you say, “What if I just disappeared,” to me, it seems like a similar thing. That feeling can be very awful, or very liberating. My ego was all caught up in how fucked up I was. Once I was ordinary (however briefly) I had no clue who I was, I was nobody. Then I became Nobody in Buddhist terms (Nobody – not this body) it was SO empowering. Once I got it I had a year of bliss… i’ve never been the same since them, I forget a lot (unfortunately). not only did I lose the thought and plan of killing myself, I also came to see there was no point in it and I lost my fear of death.
It’s ENTIRELY NORMAL that’s the short answer. You got accustomed to an identity. You’ve not yet realized that life is more empowering and even blissful without it. You might want to look into buddhism a little and this concept of the “blissful emptiness” it might help.
I don’t think that this is messed up. I’ve been through a similar experience, I’m not going to post it on here but know you’re not alone.
i can relate to this, to you.
just look at it this way, now that you have hope–which is a sign of healing– rather than despair, you are more equipped to handle negative thoughts and behavior in the future
i seem to remember you’re/were a cutter? do you still resort to it? it doesn’t seem like you do anymore. if not, i am so very happy. i know people recover from this and find other means to feel relief
hugs kiddo
I’m sorry I do not have a profound answer. I only want to see you smile. Perhaps you feel a bit like this… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0GW0Vnr9Yc
I’m not going to pretend, reading this pissed me off. Don’t you think there are other people in the world that have felt like you? Overcoming a mental illness only to want to go back to being sick again? But you’ve found hope. You’ve found interest in life, so think about what you LIKE to do and use it to get by when you’re on meager times.
You miss Nick.
Yer – I’m pretty scared of getting better. At least I know whats in store if I stay fucked up. Try not to give in to it and go back – it isn’t worth it. Getting back to being healthy is way more important even if it is scary. I dunno about the suicide thing. I reckon that’s true for some people but when I get really desperate I make serious attempts. Although if your brain is in a slightly better place it’s easier to plan I guess.
Take care and keep going xx
I move forward, then back to the same old shit. Numbness, cutting, hating myself, not giving a fuck. Lately it seems like I take one step forward and two steps back. It’s not any better. Keep strong.
I feel you. =/