I know that I haven't been around much, and I'm sorry. My sister is back in the hospital. I'm just so tired. I was going to write about this now, but I really need to try and sleep. Basically, she's like she was before, but worse. It's been a very long day.

I hate it when people talk about their childhoods when it's so "normal." I didn't grow up like you, so I don't have anything to say.

One of the worst feelings in the world is having something that you want to say or talk about, but you just can't say the words. It makes you feel so horribly alone, when all you want to do is tell someone this awful thing. Even if you cry and can barely speak, all you want to do is show someone the pain you feel inside. But you can't. When you open your mouth, you don't say the things you want to say. They're trapped inside you, these words, this awful story. Because really, what is someone supposed to say to you when you tell this story? There's nothing anyone could say to make you feel okay. So you keep the words inside. And you keep feeling alone. And the tears silently fall, as you wonder how you're going to sleep.

And I don't qualify for food assistance.

Apparently it's because I'm a student at a higher education facility. In order to qualify for food assistance, I would have to be working a minimum of 20 hours a week, OR get a job at the school as a work study. She said, "well, you can take out additional loans." Yes, because that's what I really want to do. Besides, I can't. My loans are maxed out right now. I applied for a student loan at my bank and was denied. I won't be getting any student loan money until the middle of September. What am I supposed to do until then? Starve? I get $1,312 a month in unemployment. Bills ALONE total $1,143. That's not including gas or food. I have 4 months until I get loan money. If ever I've felt utter despair, this is it. I balled my eyes out on my way home. I guess if I have to, I can take all my shit to the pawn shop again. I vowed to never do that again after I got all my stuff out in January. I can borrow $500 from the bank with the advance checking account feature and pay it back at 10% interest.

She gave me a list of food banks in the area. Other than that, I really don't know what I'm supposed to do. I would sell my car and get a clunker where I don't have a car payment, but I owe more than it's worth. I can only miss two car payments before it gets repo'd, and then I would be really fucked because I need a car to get to and from school. Oh, plus, I have to pay $2.50 a day for parking at school.

I feel like drowning myself in the toilet, because that's what's happening here.

I hate worrying that I said the wrong thing

Buy some candles online. That's what I did. Can't wait to get them.

When I lay down I cough. When I sit up, I cough, even with a cough drop in my mouth. What the fuck. I don't even feel sick. Maybe I'll try to sleep again...now that I have a primitive list of the candles I wanna try. I have probably 100 scents listed...I bought 4.

I know I haven't been around much for weeks.

I've had trouble sleeping for weeks. Sometimes I can't fall asleep for an hour or more. Sometimes I wake up constantly. Sometimes I have both these problems.

Tonight I fell asleep just fine. Took me about 20 minutes. But now I'm awake. It's the fourth time, and I went to bed less than 2 hours ago.

Why am I having such troubles sleeping? It started when my sister was in the hospital. When I was worried and anxious about her. But now she's out of the hospital and back to "normal," but I'm still have problems sleeping. sigh. I suppose I'll try and get back to sleep now...I'm having lunch with Cody tomorrow. So I need to wake up and shower and everything. Even though I wish I could sleep the day away...

Also, I think I form depending relationships too quickly. Maybe another blog for another time...

Please help me cuz I'm breaking down.....

Would it be weird for me to say that I miss being so mentally ill? Sometimes I miss feeling nothing. Sometimes I miss the self-fulfilling prophecy of hopelessness. I miss having the ability of not being able to cry. Is it even more fucked up that I want to be fucked up? At least then I knew what was in store for me: a bleak life. Now that I have more hope, I fear the future. I don't know what will happen. At least before, I didn't care. Is it fucked up that I want to be that way? I feel like I don't fit in anywhere with a happier disposition. Does that seem strange? I miss being lost in the way that I was. Now I'm lost in a different way, not knowing where to go. Before, I felt like my soul was lost. Now, I just feel like a lost child.

I know that I'm still not okay, and that I'm better than what I was. But I miss what I was. I don't even know why these thoughts run through my head, but they do. Maybe that's the most fucked up thing of all. Not that I was worse, but that I want to return to it.

What the fuck is wrong with me.

What if I just disappeared

Suicides don't happen when people are in the depths of depression. The ill are just unmotivated for any activity, even suicide. No, suicide happens when people hover around the edges of it. I learned that in psych this semester. Interesting thought, nothing more.