April 15, 2012

• I Cry

  I have never seen someone have a complete mental breakdown. Seeing it happen to someone I love so dearly…there aren’t even words. I’ve seen my sister 3 times. Thursday night, when she was admitted, Friday evening, and yesterday. I gave her the duck I used in my social deviance assignment. For two straight days, she wouldn’t let go of it. She would hug it to her chest, and cry. She’s in so much emotional pain, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to witness in my life. She was confused about why she’s there. She thinks she’s crazy. She thinks she’s imagined the relationship with her boyfriend. She thinks she hears people whispering. She keeps thinking her boyfriend is there. “Is Paul here?” she keeps asking. She’ll all of a sudden cock her head to the side and get this strange look on her face. She’s so disconnected with herself and what’s going on around her. She’ll shuffle around the room, looking confused and staring off into nothing. For the first two days, all she did was cry.

  Yesterday when we went to see her, we finally got her laughing a bit. But she still has her moments of confusion. A nurse pulled her aside, out of her room, to give her some meds. The nurse asked her who was visiting, and after a moment, Taylor said, “I don’t know them.” The nurse left, and Taylor stayed outside her room, and I heard the nurse say, “Taylor, you have three or four people in your room, waiting to talk to you.” When she came back into the room, she looked confused. Rachel asked, “Taylor, do you know who we are?” She replied, “Of course I do, you’re my sisters.”

  I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I feel so utterly helpless, and I don’t want to see her like this anymore. There’s no visitors today, but I plan on calling her. I hope she’s feeling better today. Yesterday, she told us that today she was going to talk about mom. I’m assuming she meant to her doctors. I completely blame my mother for my sister’s current condition. My mother is the worst human being I’ve ever had the misfortune of knowing. I’m sick of her psychotic bullshit and the way she treats people. Yesterday, my sister started crying when she told us she remembers when me and Rachel went to live with our dads. She wanted to come with us so badly. I feel so terrible. More than one person has told me it’s not my burden to bear, but I can’t help but feel responsible. I kept telling myself, I know Taylor’s having a hard time, but she’ll be okay once she gets away from mother. Never did I think that this would happen. Yesterday, she said, “Mom.” She didn’t say anything else, so Rachel said, “What about her?” Taylor said, “I need to get away from her, don’t I?”

  I couldn’t help but get teary-eyed. I cried part of the drive home. Now I feel completely restless. I don’t feel like doing anything. I have schoolwork to do, but I don’t feel like it.

  I just want everything to be okay.

  • 5:48 pm
  • 19 Comments