I'm so goddamn hungry and I can't afford groceries this week. It's rent week. Should I pay for them using a credit card? The hunger is like a constant ache in my stomach that won't go away. I've been eating once or twice a day for the last couple of weeks. Having to choose between bills and food is the worst decision in the fucking world. Am I supposed to let my credit score suffer even more just to eat? I mean, if I let my score get worse I won't be able to get a decent loan on a house when I'm ready. Or a new car, whenever the fuck that will be. I won't need a new car for a long time anyway. Mine has 64,000 miles and it's an '05. I'm so hungry I can't sleep. My stomach pains are keeping me awake.
Fuck this life.
And I still have a ton of homework to do before Monday.
First of all, I haven't been sleeping all that well to begin with..and now I have this dry cough that keeps waking me up all the time. I woke up at 9:30 and it's nearly 11 now but I feel so tired. I want a nap.
Anyway, if you're not friends with me on Facebook, you don't know that my schooling was approved to be funded by the Dislocated Worker Program. Summer semester will be fully paid for, but I was warned it might not be in future semesters. But it's still good news. I have to email my career counselor and ask him if I'll get the gas card he had mentioned...that would be so nice. Also thinking about applying for food assistance. Groceries are expensive :/
But anyway, super excited that things for school are falling into place. I'm excited to get my degree...but it seems scary at the same time. I mean...in order to get this done in two years, which is required for the dislocated worker program to fund it, I need to be taking 5 classes every fall and spring semester, and that will be hard once I get into the upper level courses. Gah. But at least it will fill my time. There have been times this semester I've been bored with 3 classes. Speaking of...I can't believe tomorrow is the last class in human origins and this week is the last week in sociology, and Monday is the last day in psychology. Holy crap.
And, my sister is out of the hospital too. She has to take anti-psychotics, meet with a psychiatrist twice a month, and go to NA. I'm going to go see her once the semester is over.
I have never seen someone have a complete mental breakdown. Seeing it happen to someone I love so dearly...there aren't even words. I've seen my sister 3 times. Thursday night, when she was admitted, Friday evening, and yesterday. I gave her the duck I used in my social deviance assignment. For two straight days, she wouldn't let go of it. She would hug it to her chest, and cry. She's in so much emotional pain, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to witness in my life. She was confused about why she's there. She thinks she's crazy. She thinks she's imagined the relationship with her boyfriend. She thinks she hears people whispering. She keeps thinking her boyfriend is there. "Is Paul here?" she keeps asking. She'll all of a sudden cock her head to the side and get this strange look on her face. She's so disconnected with herself and what's going on around her. She'll shuffle around the room, looking confused and staring off into nothing. For the first two days, all she did was cry.
Yesterday when we went to see her, we finally got her laughing a bit. But she still has her moments of confusion. A nurse pulled her aside, out of her room, to give her some meds. The nurse asked her who was visiting, and after a moment, Taylor said, "I don't know them." The nurse left, and Taylor stayed outside her room, and I heard the nurse say, "Taylor, you have three or four people in your room, waiting to talk to you." When she came back into the room, she looked confused. Rachel asked, "Taylor, do you know who we are?" She replied, "Of course I do, you're my sisters."
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I feel so utterly helpless, and I don't want to see her like this anymore. There's no visitors today, but I plan on calling her. I hope she's feeling better today. Yesterday, she told us that today she was going to talk about mom. I'm assuming she meant to her doctors. I completely blame my mother for my sister's current condition. My mother is the worst human being I've ever had the misfortune of knowing. I'm sick of her psychotic bullshit and the way she treats people. Yesterday, my sister started crying when she told us she remembers when me and Rachel went to live with our dads. She wanted to come with us so badly. I feel so terrible. More than one person has told me it's not my burden to bear, but I can't help but feel responsible. I kept telling myself, I know Taylor's having a hard time, but she'll be okay once she gets away from mother. Never did I think that this would happen. Yesterday, she said, "Mom." She didn't say anything else, so Rachel said, "What about her?" Taylor said, "I need to get away from her, don't I?"
I couldn't help but get teary-eyed. I cried part of the drive home. Now I feel completely restless. I don't feel like doing anything. I have schoolwork to do, but I don't feel like it.
What the fuck. So I was up late talking to Brian, so I was sleeping in. I also didn't sleep well last night because I was hot. I have trouble sleeping when I'm hot. Anyway, my mom calls me somewhere around 10 and leaves a message. I was like whatever. Then my sister Rachel calls at about 11, and I answered it. She asked me if I had talked to mom today, and I said no, I haven't, but she called.
Rachel tells me that our younger sister Taylor is going to a psych ward. I was like WHAT? What the fuck is going on?! So she tells me that Taylor is seeing things that aren't there and babbling. My immediate question was well, is she on DRUGS?! Rachel said that her boyfriend introduced her to shrooms. Well, that's just fucking great. Are you kidding me? She also said that Taylor's in a room guarded by 2 security guards. So then I called my mother and I could barely understand her. Not because she was hysterical, but because she doesn't talk clearly into the phone. But from what I understand, they've tried to make her take a urine test three times. My mom says she's having a serious psychotic episode, and she wants Taylor admitted.
Taylor has never taken my mother's craziness well. She makes it worse by talking back and saying stupid shit. With my mother, you have to ignore the crazy. To acknowledge it or combat it makes it a thousand times worse. I knew there was going to be problems for Taylor if she continued living there. First she started drinking and smoking pot, and now she's doing shrooms? Oh, and she was cutting pretty seriously for a while too. Ugghhhh. What the fuck. I'm so worried. I don't know what to do. They live damn near 2 hours away from me.
Last night I was lamenting about this report I have to write... 4 sections, about 500 words each. I worked on it for nearly 2 hours last night and I only had about 300 words written, about halfway done with the first section. I stopped because I was getting so frustrated I was about to cry. I took a make up quiz at noon, and now I've been sitting at school for the last couple of hours working on this paper. I have about 150 words left in the second section, so I'm almost half done. I feel confident that I'm going to get this done by 6. Buuut, I have to make this short break over, just to be sure. I'll be back if I get done before class time
am I so goddamn tired?! I feel absolutely exhausted. I went to bed around 1 or 2 am and woke up about 10. I think it's because I woke up about 15 times in the middle of the night. I desperately want to go back to bed but I know I won't be able to fall asleep. Damnit. I guess it didn't help that at every moment it could my mind was fantasizing... *sigh*
I for one, love songs that are in movies. Many movies have songs that a lot of people have never heard. It's the same thing with songs from TV shows. For me, this is a great way for me to discover new music. I don't talk about it much, but I love music. All kinds. From rap to rock to country to folk, and so much in between. I love music from the earlier decades, especially 60's-90's. Oh, and a side note, if you get a chance, go see American Reunion. HILARIOUS. I thought it was better than American Pie, and there's a lot of great music from the 90's. Anyway, here are some songs from movies that are some of my absolute favorites.
Retour A Vega, by The Stills, in the movie Wicker Park. I love this whole soundtrack, but this song prompted me into a love affair with French music. I have no idea what the words are or what they mean, but I love the way it sounds. I found a few other songs, but I was mostly unsuccessful in searching for French music. If you know of any good French songs or artists, could you let me know?? Even though I love other songs from the soundtrack, another one that's my favorite is We Have A Map of the Piano by Mum. Absolutely fantastic track. And, I love the movie too. I think it's such an understated movie.
If I Apologised by Josefine Cronholm is a song from the film Mirrormask. I loved this movie, and I thought this song was awesome. The other song I liked from the movie was Close to You.
This is Sweet Dreams, performed by Emily Browning in the movie Sucker Punch. I absolutely loved this movie. I loved the old feel of the institution that she's put in, and what she makes up in her mind. I loved the whole soundtrack for this movie, and Emily Browning's voice is so sweet and melodic. I also love the changes in the music itself to the song. Since I love her voice, I also enjoy the other song she sings in the movie, Asleep.
This is Zydrate Anatomy from Repo! The Genetic Opera. I saw this for the first time the other day, and I fell in love (shhh, your goth side is showing!!). I loved the idea, I loved the costumes, and I loved every song. This one is one of my favorites. Every time I see something like this it makes me ache for that lifestyle. I miss it. Even though I was never really a part of it, I miss wanting it. Anyway, if you haven't seen Repo, you should. I think it's fantastic.
System by Chester Bennington (of Linkin Park) from the Queen of the Damned soundtrack. I love this movie, and I absolutely love every song from the soundtrack. This is one of my favorites, because I've always thought it was super sexy. Maybe I'm really twisted, but I think "Why won't you die/Your blood in mine/We'll be fine/Then your body will be mine" is soooo hot. I think it's because I've always loved vampires (yes, pre-Twilight, obviously) and I think they're sexy. Being bitten by a vampire is so appealing to me. I'm surprised I've never written vampire erotica. Hmm...
Within You by David Bowie, in Labyrinth. This is one of my favorite movies, and I've always thought this song is sexy. David Bowie is hot in this movie, and I've ALWAYS thought Sara should have been with him. Always. At the end, when he sings this song and tries to talk her into it? *sigh* I don't like every song in the movie, but I do like As the World Falls Down as well.
All This and Nothing by Sponge, on The Craft soundtrack. I love The Craft, one of my most favorite movies. I like a lot of songs on the soundtrack. Another one of my favorites is Dark Secret by Matthew Sweet and I also like Witches Song by Juliana Hatfield. All This and Nothing isn't a well-known song, and this is why I love songs in movies and TV shows. A chance to hear something different.
Virgin State of Mind by K's Choice, in an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I'm not sure which one. I know there was more than one soundtrack for the show, but this song was on the first one. I love that entire album. Not only do I love that show, but it features some truly awesome alternative music. The fact that their hangout was at The Bronze gave the show a great opportunity to showcase some great music. I mean, Pain by Four Star Mary, Transylvanian Concubine by Rasputina, Already Met You by Superfine, Lucky by Bif Naked, Strong by Velvet Chain.... omg. Such great music, and so much more on that show.
Twisted Nerve by Bernard Herrmann on the Kill Bill Vol. 1 soundtrack. I love this because it's so creepy! I also like Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down) by Nancy Sinatra and About Her by Malcolm Mclaren that's on the Vol. 2 soundtrack.
Anyway, I think that's enough for now, I hope you've enjoyed the awesome music! I should be taking the exam for psych...but I really can't focus on it. Maybe now that I've taken a break to create this post I will be able to get 'er done.
Anyway. Starting Monday, I'm going to try Insanity again. I initially lost 7 pounds, but I've gained 4 of them back. I've created a meal plan for the entire week, and wrote out my grocery list. I've found that I eat better when I have it planned, and I grocery shop better when I have a list. Don't buy anything that's not on the list. So this is my grocery list:
I also cleaned out the ice tray today. I mean, ice gets freezer burn, and I can taste it when I drink my water...gross. A week or two ago I forgot to turn the ice maker off and there got to be too much ice in the tray and it went bad before I could use all the ice. Even though I have one of those Bobble water bottles (BEST invention in the world...water tastes SO good when it's filtered through that thing!!), I could still taste the freezer burn from the ice through the filter. I have a large one, and I can seriously drink the whole 34oz in minutes it's so good.
Also, I think I'm going to make a schedule of times that I need to work out and eat, so I can stay on track. Anyway, I have a lot to do...finish reading my psych text so I can finish the exam, read text for human origins, do my laundry (it's been like 2 weeks!), go tanning, and go grocery shopping. Oh, and I need to start my 2000 word paper that's due on Wednesday. Gahhhh. I need to pull my head out of my ass and get going with shit.....
And even though I don't believe in it, Happy Easter everyone. I have a family gathering of my dad's family tomorrow for Easter. I highly doubt we'll go to church..we haven't done that in years. Probably just grill and chill for a bit.
A while back, I was eating appetizers with Cody at Chili's and we got into the conversation that I don't know who I am. He told me to list things about me that make me who I am. I said, "I have a pretty face. Pretty eyes. I have a good heart. I'm smart. I'm nice." I didn't know what else to say after that. He shook his head, and said that there was so much more he would have said about me. He didn't say any of them, but he told me I have so much potential and I have a lot to offer.
But I don't know what that means. What do I have to offer? I just don't understand what people mean when they say that. What does having a lot to offer entail? I've gathered that someone would be lucky to have me...but...why? I have a kind heart and I take care of the people that I care about, is that included in the offer? I just don't get it. Is this offer different from others that have a lot to offer?
