March 30, 2012
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Yeah, I’m FAT
People yell at me for saying this. And actually, I attribute part of the fact that Cody doesn’t want me to this….even though he would never admit it. He yells at me whenever I say I’m fat. But I am.
Anyway, people piss me off when they bring up this fat thing all the time. I’m going to be brutally honest here, both with myself and with you.
I weigh about 208lbs right now. I am 5′ 3/4″ tall (or, short). At just over 5′ tall, you would expect me to look completely roly poly. But not exactly. I have about 125lbs of muscle. Someone my height should be about 110lbs. However, with 125lbs of muscle, that would not be good. My healthy weight is actually about 146lbs to account for my muscle mass. So I have about 62lbs to lose.
When I was in high school, I was a little overweight, but not like this. Remember a few weeks ago when I posted about my childhood and being molested? I started remembering this senior year. When I graduated I went to live with my dad, and he got me a job as a temp where he worked. I was making my own money, and started buying my own groceries. I bought things like packages of cookies and bags of chips and I would sneak it all into my room and eat it all. I didn’t even know why I was doing it. It wasn’t until years later that I realized I was making myself fat on purpose, but unconsciously. I didn’t want to get molested again or raped.
Over the years, I’ve tried so many times to lose weight. I know how. But I always fail. Especially once I start seeing results. I unconsciously go back to my old habits of eating Burger King or McDonald’s or buying junk food at the grocery store. Remember a few weeks ago when I started Insanity? Well I haven’t worked out for 3 weeks and I haven’t eaten right since my birthday, about a week and a half ago. I’ve only gained about 2lbs though, since I’ve failed, once again. I’ve failed so many times I can’t even count.
So you see how my problem is completely psychological? I don’t even realize what I’m doing until a bit later. Then I continue for a bit on the wrong path until I work up the courage to try again. Every time, I say to myself, this is it. I’m not letting my past control me anymore. But it always does.
My own body disgusts me. I don’t even look at myself in the mirror. Ever. But I can’t get past this thing in my head, whispering that I don’t want to be attractive. And every time I fail at a healthier lifestyle, I get so disappointed in myself. How is it fair that such a pretty face is attached to such an ugly body? I don’t expect to be super thin. I just want to be comfortable.
And even though I feel sickened by my own body, it really bothers me that people judge me based on my weight. You don’t know me, you don’t know what I’ve been through. You don’t know why I am the way that I am. You don’t know anything about me.
Obviously, I’m the one in the black cardigan.
There’s my fat ass roll of a belly.
So I guess I will continue to be a fat ass until I can get over my past. Who knows when that will happen. Maybe it won’t and I’ll be fat and single for the rest of my life and die alone. A few weeks ago Cody and I were at Chili’s and he asked me why I thought I would be alone forever. It took me a lot to say that I’m not attractive. He told me that he would never say that about me. Well, I guess I can be pretty sometimes.
Whatever. I’m done.
Comments (30)
*hugs*.
I’ve been molested and I also have a weight problem. It’s not easy at all. But you are totally deserving of love, you’re a beautiful person and I really wish you all the best! I wish I knew what else to say, but… *hugs* girl!
the best way to lose weight is to not go on a diet, believe it or not. a little exercise goes a long way. -hug- You, my darling, are truly beautiful and deserving of love.
You seem really nice, and I feel bad for you that your body doesn’t work for you the way you want it to.
Well not knowing you other than from here and just seeing your pictures I would say you are a doll I think you are really darling
It seems like you’ve already come a long way by identifiying the cause behind your weight issues. Now that you know why you have this issue, I guess the next step would be to try to come to terms with losing weight doesn’t mean you’ll get molested again. Once you aren’t afraid of that, I think it will be easier.
There is NOTHING ugly about you!! >=o
And I should probably point out that you have nice legs and pretty eyes
BUT
BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES
I wish we could get over judging by looks and look at the content of a person’s character
@godfatherofgreenbay - That’s too hard for many people though. Stereotypes are a real time saver.
If you really think it’s psychological, you should think about seeing a therapist. Even if money’s tight, there are lots of options out there – you can get free counseling from PhD students a lot of times, or there might be a local clinic you could go to.
It’s important that you don’t call yourself derogatory things like “fat ass”. According to self-talk theory, your inner child hears those things at the deepest levels of your mind and believes them.
In fact, it might help if you mentally recite positive things about yourself every day: “I am smart”; “I am strong”; “I am persistent”; etc.
I’d trade my thinness for your youth anytime!
Honey, you are so pretty. Realize that and love yourself as we love you.
Sweetie you are beautiful!!! (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((granny hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
With age I find myself getting bigger and it’s harder each time to loose weight, metabolism is changing. My eating habits are pretty good it’s healthy food but to loose and keep weight off I have to be hungry all the time… kinda suks.
You can lose 60 lbs. Just don’t lose your sense of humor.
I agree with @dingus6 …bad self-talk about weight only leads to more weight-loss failure. You won’t die alone. You’re smart and kind and you’ll have a long happy life.
I”m right there with ya girl. I”m 5’4 and about 215. I hate it but I just have issues from the past and I’m a bad emotional eater.
Well, at least you are able to face the music, even if it’s unlistenable. The way you approach it, it’s like you wouldn’t mind if someone brings such a thing up in a dream S&M session. (does the signature Peter Griffin head turn)
I’m not skinny either and I’ve been picked on for it. To me it doesn’t matter what someone’s weight is. It’s not the weight or appearance that matters, it’s the person themselves that matter.
I think you are very pretty and you’re nice. No one should judge you based on your weight. And if they do, then I don’t think that is someone you really want to know anyway.
I’m right there with you. I know it’s hard, but remember to love yourself because ultimately, it’s all you have. What sort of physical activity do you like to do most? I find it hard to go for a jog every day but if I play a sport with friends I have an easier time exercising. Also, when you’re eating, watch your portions more than what you eat. And of course there are those things that make you feel completely satisfied with your meal like an avocado or some sour cream.
You are a beautiful person and I’ve thought so for years. As to therapy… it can work, been there, done that, but what I found was it revolved around one thing, asking why. Why do you feel the way you do, why do you think what you do, how does this, or that, make you feel. All of them are important, but it’s what you do when you face those answers that count. Knowing why you feel or think the way you do is just the beginning, it’s what you do next that changes you.
I’ve developed an eating disorder because of my PTSD as well. It happens to the best of us. We just have to push on – people are going to judge us, because they don’t care enough to ask why.
M
Your pic never showed how gorgeous your face was…as to the rest…haters are going to hate. When I was 20, I lost 50 pounds in a semester at college, I had an insane schedule, no money, and lived on coffee and cigarettes (which were cheaper than food back then). I INSTANTLY was getting different treatment, particularly from men…but…it pissed me off. I was the SAME person. But I loved the change at first…so even when I could start eating again, I didn’t.
I lost my periods. My gums started bleeding, and when I did try to eat, I threw up. The funny part is by the charts, at that point I was STILL ten pound overweight. The doctor I saw told me I “really needed to lose that extra ten pounds”. My gynecologist (from Planned Parenthood) freaked out, and set me straight.
The “right weight” is the one where you are healthy…where your BP and pulse are good.
Be who you need to be…and WANT to be. If you you need to lose weight, great…but looking the way other people “think” you should will not make you feel happy…it certainly didn’t do it for me.
Hang in there…
I like girls like you. I don’t find it unattractive in the least. Big and beautiful is best imo!
Oh,be quiet, you’re gorgeous.
I agree with Shimmer about the boobies.
I have been meaning to write my “fat post” for weeks.
You’ve inspired me to do so now.
I’m sorry that you were molested
I didn’t know this. *big massive hugs* I haven’t exactly been molested but I’ve had some very “violating” experiences. 
Very difficult on the mind and psyche.
I too go through those times when I put my mind to it, work and work and then fail miserably
I love you though. I have grown to love you more since we first started talking a little more than “just a comment”
You’re interesting, and creative and guess what? You ARE actually very beautiful
“it really bothers me that people judge me based on my weight. You don’t
know me, you don’t know what I’ve been through. You don’t know why I am
the way that I am. You don’t know anything about me.”
Exactly. I don’t know if you read that lovelyish post since this seems based off of it, but that really pissed me off too.
You are beautiful, and I am NOT just saying so to be nice.
Losing weight will come easier to you when you firmly believe, consciously and not, that you deserve to be healthy.
I know this because this is partially my own problem, too.
@galadrial - BMI is the dumbest modern way of asessing someone’s weight. It takes nothing into account except for your height. There aren’t even differences accounted for gender, age (so long as you’re 18+, and even then it’s fuzzy. When I was anorexic and only “borderline underweight” at 15 my doctor decided I was fine, which I was happy about at the time b/c I didn’t want to be caught, but I clearly was not) or fat/muscle percentage. Any doctor who uses nothing else to assess someone’s weight is fucking incompetent. That kind of shit makes me mad too. People should not treat each other as objects. Your worth should never be contingent on your outside appearance, only your character.
Yeah, you really are quite pretty. Hot, even.