People yell at me for saying this. And actually, I attribute part of the fact that Cody doesn't want me to this....even though he would never admit it. He yells at me whenever I say I'm fat. But I am.
Anyway, people piss me off when they bring up this fat thing all the time. I'm going to be brutally honest here, both with myself and with you.
I weigh about 208lbs right now. I am 5' 3/4" tall (or, short). At just over 5' tall, you would expect me to look completely roly poly. But not exactly. I have about 125lbs of muscle. Someone my height should be about 110lbs. However, with 125lbs of muscle, that would not be good. My healthy weight is actually about 146lbs to account for my muscle mass. So I have about 62lbs to lose.
When I was in high school, I was a little overweight, but not like this. Remember a few weeks ago when I posted about my childhood and being molested? I started remembering this senior year. When I graduated I went to live with my dad, and he got me a job as a temp where he worked. I was making my own money, and started buying my own groceries. I bought things like packages of cookies and bags of chips and I would sneak it all into my room and eat it all. I didn't even know why I was doing it. It wasn't until years later that I realized I was making myself fat on purpose, but unconsciously. I didn't want to get molested again or raped.
Over the years, I've tried so many times to lose weight. I know how. But I always fail. Especially once I start seeing results. I unconsciously go back to my old habits of eating Burger King or McDonald's or buying junk food at the grocery store. Remember a few weeks ago when I started Insanity? Well I haven't worked out for 3 weeks and I haven't eaten right since my birthday, about a week and a half ago. I've only gained about 2lbs though, since I've failed, once again. I've failed so many times I can't even count.
So you see how my problem is completely psychological? I don't even realize what I'm doing until a bit later. Then I continue for a bit on the wrong path until I work up the courage to try again. Every time, I say to myself, this is it. I'm not letting my past control me anymore. But it always does.
My own body disgusts me. I don't even look at myself in the mirror. Ever. But I can't get past this thing in my head, whispering that I don't want to be attractive. And every time I fail at a healthier lifestyle, I get so disappointed in myself. How is it fair that such a pretty face is attached to such an ugly body? I don't expect to be super thin. I just want to be comfortable.
And even though I feel sickened by my own body, it really bothers me that people judge me based on my weight. You don't know me, you don't know what I've been through. You don't know why I am the way that I am. You don't know anything about me.
Obviously, I'm the one in the black cardigan.
There's my fat ass roll of a belly.
So I guess I will continue to be a fat ass until I can get over my past. Who knows when that will happen. Maybe it won't and I'll be fat and single for the rest of my life and die alone. A few weeks ago Cody and I were at Chili's and he asked me why I thought I would be alone forever. It took me a lot to say that I'm not attractive. He told me that he would never say that about me. Well, I guess I can be pretty sometimes.
Whatever. I'm done.
