I feel hollow and empty. Like there’s a hole in my heart, and I’m bleeding. I can barely catch my breath and my heart beats faster.

I wish I could believe in myself like everyone else believes in me. Where does that come from? Why can’t I grasp the concept that I’m enough? That I’m good? That I deserve good things?

I wish I could believe that I’m a good writer. I wish I could feel it. I can’t feel it anymore. I feel like my words are empty. I feel like they don’t mean anything. I feel like I can’t write anymore. I wish I could. What am I supposed to do with my life if I’m not a writer? What am I supposed to do if I can’t live my dreams?

BTW, I’m on all locks for xanga right now.

So today was just a horrible fucking day.

Thursday last week my phone decided to take a shit so I went to the Sprint store. They told me that Samsung doesn’t make the Moment anymore so they ordered a “comparable” phone for me, the Transform. They said it would be at the Sprint store Friday or Monday. Fine. Whatever. So I still hadn’t heard if my phone had arrived so before I left work I called the store. “Yes, your phone is here.” W.T.F. Thanks for the motherfucking phone call, fucking assholes. So I go to the Sprint store and get the phone. It’s cheap and cheesy and I fucking hate it. I thought, well, I should be getting quite a bit back for my tax returns, so maybe I’ll buy a nice phone.

And Cody and everyone else were all horrible to me today so I didn’t talk to anyone for the last half of the day, and felt like crying. They knew they fucked up because they played some songs, trying to make me feel better. Didn’t work.

Anyways.

So after the Sprint store I went to the gym. I didn’t want to be there. Really, I just don’t want to be anywhere right now.

I only worked out for half an hour, instead of an hour. I hated it. I hated me. I hate that I’m losing weight. I hate how I look, but maybe I hate losing weight even more. I knew this was going to be an issue when I started, and I just don’t want it. Maybe I’ll just be fat for the rest of my life. I don’t give a fuck. The person at the gym that does the membership paperwork said that it’s good to see me at the gym, that it’s an inspiration. I just smiled sadly.

So then I get home and think things are turning around because in the mail was a game I had bought on eBay and (finally) my W-2s.

So I started doing my taxes and at the end, I’m only getting $1,500. TOTAL. I got nearly $2,000 back last year. This year I made more, paid in more, and just got fucked. FUCK the government. What the fuck is my money paying for anyway?! Some asshole’s over indulgent salary? I paid in $8,000 in state and federal taxes and I get $1,500 back. Yeah. That’s nice. Way to help out some poor fuck who struggles with their bills every month.

So that doesn’t even pay for 1 of my 2 high interest high balance credit cards.

Honestly, I don’t even care if anyone reads this or comments or anything.

I don’t even want to exist right now.

is making me happy right now.

So, there was this post on ireallylikefood, about this person complaining about an article in a magazine, and healthy snacking. Read about it here.

So they said that they’ll eat a Snickers instead of something healthy instead of a healthy snack, because, apparently, they can’t handle eating a healthy snack. If they eat something healthy, they’ll eat the healthy food AND a Snickers, because of their craving.

There was more, but this was my comment:

You, are an idiot. Learn some self control. You seriously can’t control your cravings? I’ve cut pop out of my life, and I crave it every damn day. Do I have a pop when I crave or want one? NO!!! I don’t. No wonder people are fat. Just because you want something doesn’t mean you should have it. Snacking in between meals isn’t just to satisfy your hunger, it’s also to increase your metabolism so that your body spends your calories wiser, and it does absolutely no good if your snack is a Snickers bar. A Snickers bar has nearly 1/4 of the fat that you’re supposed to have in a WHOLE DAY.

I eat a low-fat yogurt, applesauce, a piece of string cheese, raspberries, cauliflower, or other healthy foods as my snack. Eating fruits or vegetables for snacks is a good way to get your fruit and vegetable servings for the day.

To me, it’s a good comment. I mean, really? You can’t control your own fucking mind and stomach? You can’t curb your cravings? Plus, they totally didn’t understand the purpose of eating small snacks in between meals. The writer was totally ignorant. The person thought it was just to “stave off overwhelming hunger.” I do NOT feel bad for calling the person an idiot. If you’re going to write about why you think healthy snacking is a bad idea, you’d better know what the fuck you’re talking about…. am I right??? If you don’t know, look it up or just don’t write about it.

So anyways, here are the replies I got from my comment:

wow…..bitch.

more like TOO crazy “2″ love. lol
what a bitch.

… having a bad day are we?

BAHAHHAA.. I love the middle one the most. And no, I really wasn’t having a bad day, but I’m sick and tired of idiots. I wonder how many synonyms there are for that term….. here’s some: fool, ass, halfwit, dunce, dolt, ignoramus, moron, imbecile, ninny, dimwit… There’s a ton more in my MacBook Thesaurus; I don’t want to list them all.

So, am I a bitch, or just honest?

I guess since I lose about a pound a day, I suppose I’m doing it wrong by NOT eating a Snickers bar as a snack. Hmm, maybe I should try it. I’ll lose TWO pounds a day then!!!!!!!! YESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!

I’m really glad that most of the comments were against the post on Healthkicker, not commending it. What a horrible post. I don’t even want to link it because it made me so mad. Grr.

Also, I think that when I get my tax return, I am soooo buying an Evo Shift or Epic…. sick of shitty “smart” phones.

I know I haven’t been updating my weight loss blog. I’m still at it, you guys. The weekends are sometimes hard because I’ve got stuff going on and the people I’m with aren’t eating the same things so I have to eat what’s at their house :/ So I end up gaining a pound or two over the weekend… plus it’s hard to work out when I’m so busy on the weekends. So I take 3 steps forward and 1 backward. Hmm. I wonder how I can change that….

But anyway. I don’t know.

I’m watching American Idol. =]

So apparently Netflix is trying to get more and more people to use Watch Instant, instead of using DVDs in the mail.

While I understand that this may be more price effective for the company, I don’t think they’re ready to do it. They are now removing the option to add a DVD to your queue from a streaming device, and now only the option is to add it to watch instantly if you have, say, the iPhone app for Netflix.

I don’t believe they are ready for this change for a couple of reasons. First, the movies available to watch instantly. I have 3X more movies on my DVD queue than my watch instantly list. New releases aren’t available to watch instantly. Plus, movies are constantly moving in and out of watch instantly status. As it is, I regularly also use Redbox… so if they want to go to streaming movies without changing the way they do things, I might have to drop Netflix.

Netflix blog

Okay, so since I’ve been losing weight, I’ve had a few people at work now tell me that I’m looking good, and that they can tell the difference.

I don’t know why, but this kind of makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t know what to say. I just don’t like people looking at me, and knowing people are looking at my body, creeps me out. I mean, I know that people look at me, I just don’t like it. It’s not like I can tell people to stop looking at me.

I don’t know. I just don’t like it.

:/

I’ve created a Tumblr.

Sorry =[

Guess what? It’s snowing. Yep, the white stuff. Fluffy sometimes. You know. The stuff that makes roads slippery.

Hmm. I wonder. Maybe you SHOULDN’T be riding my ass. Just a suggestion. You know. Just in case brakes have to be applied. Just a thought.

Oh, whoops. Look what happened there.

Wow, you think they were following too closely?

Yeah, just a LITTLE too close.

Hmm. Serious stuff. You’d think, in the state of MINNESOTA, where it SNOWS in the WINTERTIME, that people would leave plenty of room, yeah?

Hmm, yeah. Serious stuff, snow, on the roads. DEADLY, even.

GET THE FUCK OFF MY ASS!!!!!!