Confused? Check this out!!!

I'm working hard. I'm working my ass off, literally. Well, I probably shouldn't do that, because my ass really isn't that big... I would like to keep what little ass I have.

Anyway, this is what I'm doing.

I try to go to the gym every day. Sometimes, it just doesn't happen; like yesterday, I worked 12 1/2 hours and all I wanted to do was go home and take a hot bath. I forgot my exercise pants at home yesterday morning anyway. I get on the treadmill for 50 minutes. For the first 5-10 minutes, I go 3.0 mph. I have short legs, so that's a decent walk for me. Then for the next 15-20 minutes I go 3.2 mph. For the last 5 minutes of a half hour, I go 3.4 mph, which is a very fast walk for me. Any faster and I would have to jog... and I hate running. Then I rest for a couple of minutes and stretch my legs a little bit. Then I set the treadmill for 20 more minutes, at 3.0 incline. I start at 3.0 mph. Then at 5-10 minutes I go 3.2 mph. By the end of the 50 minutes, I am sweating, and nearly dying. A former trainer once told me that if you don't sweat by the end of a work out, you didn't do anything. My legs are burning and like rubber.

I burned 330 calories today by doing this. And yeah, I felt like quitting... for probably the last half hour. But I just keep telling myself, "Okay, I only have 20 minutes left. I've already done half an hour. I can do this." I just telling myself I can't quit and give up, because that won't accomplish anything. So by talking to myself in my mind, I make myself go the entire 50 minutes (plus cool down time).

I've also tried quitting pop. I can go a few days, but then a craving is too strong and I have one. But just one. Then it's back to water. I can't quit my morning coffee because I need to wake up. I'll be tired all day if I don't get my coffee. And crabby.

Other than way less pop, I haven't changed my eating habits much. Fresh is always the best foods to eat. Fruits and veggies. Meat... ya know. But it's also important to eat more, smaller meals throughout the day. Eating like 5 meals instead of 2 or 3. You need a couple of things to lose weight. First, eating more frequently, smaller portions. This keeps up your metabolism, which makes it easier to burn off energy (or calories). Then, you need a deficit of calories every day. You need to spend more calories than you eat. Which, actually isn't that hard if you eat healthier. You spend calories with everything you do... even sleeping. So then you just need that little extra at the gym. And, when you're working out, you need a balance of cardio and muscle building. The more muscle you have, the more calories you burn in your cardio.

I haven't been doing any muscle exercises because I already have a lot of muscle. When I start getting my cardio in shape, I just need to start toning my muscles.

If you're really dedicated, this is the right way to lose weight. If you're doing these things but don't start seeing results, you might have a medical problem you should get checked out at the doctor.

Last week I lost 6 pounds just from working out 3 days of the week. I gained 2 back because I didn't work out at all Friday-Monday, but I've already lost 1 pound from working out Tuesday... even with the extra food I had because we had a special holiday lunch at work.

If I can do this, so can you!

Well, let me put it this way: I have a very hard time respecting you, if all you did in college was party. I understand the whole freedom thing, wanting to experiment, being away from your parents' watchful eyes, and yada yada yada. However, it's time for you to grow up. College is serious business.... it makes your future! Plus, it's freakin' EXPENSIVE!!

There are so many people that would love to be in college and learning and taking steps into their future. But they can't, because of their situation. And here people are, pissing it away... literally. How can you be taken seriously?

The reason I'm talking about this is because there was someone at work talking about their college days and all they did was party. It made me sick. I would love to have been able to go to a university, and taken all kinds of wonderful classes. Instead, I got stuck working full time for two years then trying to go to a technical college that I still couldn't afford even though I was STILL working full time.

You want to piss away money and your future, whatever. I just don't want to hear it.

Thank you, Olya, for recommending Martyrs. Amazing movie. In addition, I've fallen in love with Mylène Jampanoï. My heart swoons and I want her babies. I swear to you, there is no woman on earth more beautiful.

So my sister had her 16th birthday party last night. My mom couldn't get out of her driveway because of the snow so she wanted me to pick my sister up from the hotel she stayed at with her friends. So I go and get her and I can smell the alcohol on her breath. I don't say anything at that time because she was surrounded by her friends, but I was furious. So we get in the car and this is how the conversation goes:

Me: So where did you get the alcohol?

Taylor: What are you talking about.

Me: Don't lie to me Taylor, I can smell it on you.

Taylor: How can you smell it? We went swimming and ate breakfast.

Me: I'm not retarded Taylor, I can smell it. So where did you get it?

Taylor: One of my friends brought it.

Me: So do you want to end up like mom? Because that's the path you're headed down.

Taylor: Just because I drink sometimes doesn't mean that I'm going to end up like mom.

Me: That's how it starts Taylor, is SOMEtimes. Sometimes becomes every day. You better fuckin knock that shit off now.

And she didn't say another word to me. What the fuck am I supposed to say? I know that she smokes pot too. I know to some people it doesn't seem like a big deal to experiment with drugs and alcohol at my sister's age... but NOT when we have the mother that we do. It only makes us so much more likely to become addicts ourselves. And the sometimes comment, that's what addicts say.

I am so frustrated and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get through to her. I see her ending up just like our mother, and that scares me, and I'm so worried. Sometimes I hate being the oldest because I feel so lost.

H&R Block estimates that I will get about $3,000 dollars back for my tax return. Considering I've paid in $5,300 in state and federal taxes so far this year, I'll take it. There's still 3 paychecks left for the year and I pay in over $100 a week, so hopefully I get a little more than that back. I am so excited to get that money back. I'm going to pay off my credit cards, and it's going to feel SO good!!! I'll have more money every month to pay off my other debt faster, and then I can start saving for a house. You guys have no idea how happy that makes me feel.

Anyway, I have to start getting ready to leave in this blizzard. I have to drive 100 miles in this shit, and it's going to take forever. I'll just put on some Christmas music and drive slow =]

I didn't get your Christmas cards done last night =[ I only got halfway done with the cards that I'm mailing. I'm spending the night at my friend's house so I don't have to drive in the snowstorm in the dark. Hopefully I can get the cards done while I'm there. I don't think she has internet at her new house yet, so I'll have to talk to you guys when I get back home. I hope you guys have a fun and safe weekend!!

I am very, very angry with you. I have had to block FIVE spammers in the last two days. I demand to know what's going on. They keep commenting over and over and over again. This is completely out of control, and I don't appreciate seeing my inbox full of spam. You really need to get this under control.

-Me

To my xanga friends:

I am writing your holiday cards tonight! Hopefully I can get them done and mail them tomorrow. I know you're excited. If you want one and didn't give me your address, now's the time to do it!!!!

♥

This is it. This is your last chance. There's nothing left to lose. This is all you have. Don't let it win. You are stronger than this. You have more life to live. The world is not dull and grey. There's more to life than this.

You can do this.

I think addiction is so sad. I've been watching season 3 of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, and it's just so sad. People with addiction have no self worth. They bury all of their hurts in drugs and alcohol, or whatever makes the illusion of happy. Most people who become addicts have suffered significant trauma in their lives, and they stuff that down inside themselves and cover it with their addiction.

I wish everyone had the strength to stop. I wish that they could see the good inside of themselves to know that they are worth it and they don't need those things.

What if this is your last chance?

EDIT

I was just watching this, and Mike Starr, the original guitarist from Alice In Chains carried around so much guilt from his best friend, the singer, dying from a drug overdose. They got into an argument about some pills that Mike had taken, and Mike left. The last words his best friend ever said to him were "don't leave like this." Then his friend died. And Mike never told anyone about his best friend's last words to him. He felt so guilty because he knew that his friend wasn't okay, and he should have called 911, but he didn't. Could you imagine that guilt? He drowned it out by doing drugs for so many years.

(If you want a Christmas card from me, don't forget to send me your address!

So maybe this subject has been beaten like a dead horse, but I want to bring it up anyway.

I was on the treadmill today, reading an older issue of People Magazine. There was a whole bunch of articles about gay bullying, teen suicide, and bullying in general. The main article was about the boy at Rutgar's who had jumped off the bridge... remember that?

One of the articles talked about another young girl, 15, who was not gay, but killed herself because she was bullied. 6 teens are charged with federal crimes (I don't know what) and they were now the ones getting bullied, because of how they treated that girl. The school officials and guidance counselors on the school staff are also getting harassed, because they didn't do enough to stop the bullying, as are the parents of the 6 teens charged with crimes.

I'm wondering if it's okay in your eyes to bully the bully. Is it okay to give them a dose of their own medicine? So they can see how it feels? Should the school staff be harassed for not doing more? Should the people in this community, who didn't do enough, become victims of the same crime? Do you think they feel guilty enough, without getting yelled by people in the supermarket?

I think this is an interesting topic to explore. Honestly, I don't know how I feel about it. I was bullied pretty badly in elementary and middle school. Definitely when I was younger, I would have been like fuck yeah, give them absolute hell. Now, I really don't know what to think.

What do you think??

*Also, don't forget I'm sending out Christmas cards! If you want one, get me your address.... I'll probably be sending them out Saturday =]

Okay, you've convinced me. I want to send a whole bunch of my Xanga friends Christmas cards. SO. If you want a Christmas card (or "holiday" card) from me, send me your address!! I will write a letter with the card too. You're going to love it, fo sho!!

Seriously, I am so excited to send Christmas cards! Please please please!! You won't be disappointed, I promise.

Okay, so off the topic, I'm watching Jeff Dunam, so here's something to make you laugh:



And here's something for the Christmas spirit:

Yep, that's right, ME!!!! By spending an hour on the treadmill. Whoot, go me. I need to look significantly better in 3 months, because I will be in Florida, wearing t-shirts and shorts. Maybe I'll wear some skirts!!!! OMFG I AM SO EXCITED FOR MY VACATION!!!! We will be leaving for Florida on March 4th. We are driving, so we will spend the night somewhere in the middle of the drive, then get to FL on the 5th. We will spend most of the week there (in Fort Walton Beach), then we'll drive to New Orleans... which I am SO EXCITED FOR!!! AND, it will be during Mardi Gras!!! HOLY FUCK!! We're going to spend a night in New Orleans, then drive home. We will spend a night driving home too.. so we'll get home either on the 12th or 13th.

Supposedly all I have to pay for are souvenirs. I know the stay in FL will be free because we are staying with my step dad's mom and she pays for everything. The hotel nights on the there, in New Orleans, and on the way home I'm not so sure about. And I'm not sure about activities either. I know that my mom at least wants to go deep sea fishing. They want me to help them plan other activities. For all I know, my mom will make me pay for my shit. Just in case, I know that I will have my tax return money... which I really want to use to pay off my debt... but if I have to spend it to have a good time on my only vacation, so be it.

Also, I am going to buy a sweet camera, so I'm going to take some frickin awesome photographs. A TON of them!!!!! My youngest sister is so excited that I'm going this time. They go every year, but I've never been able to make it. Supposedly this is the last year because my step dad's mom won't be going down there anymore after this year.

So, CHEERS to losing weight and being excited for vacations!!!!!!!