December 28, 2010

• Unbearable Lightness

  I didn't want to do such a heavy topic for my first post back (in fact, I had been talking to Rob and we both thought I should do a boobs post), but this is on my mind, and this is my blog to write my thoughts, right?

  So anyway. A couple of weeks ago I watched a re-run of the Ellen show where she interviewed her wife, Portia De Rossi. She wrote a book called Unbearable Lightness, a book chronicling her serious struggle with her eating disorder. My youngest sister has struggled a bit with it and so I bought it for her for Christmas. Before I gave it to her, however, I wanted to read it for myself. The interview between Ellen and Portia was very touching and I could clearly see how much they love each other and how hard it was for Ellen to ask her wife these tough questions on her show.

  For those of you who are newer friends and subbies of mine, you probably don't know my reason for being overweight. I've talked about it before here. When I was 5, I was molested many times. Anyway, as I got older I kind of subconsciously became overweight. I did not want to ever go through those experiences again, so I wanted to make myself physically unattractive. In last year I've tried losing weight many times, but I end up sabotaging myself. Any time I see improvements, I stop eating healthier and stop exercising.

  Anyway, other than that I've also been anorexic at times in my life. I'll go days and days and even weeks with hardly eating anything. Then I'll end up bingeing and then I'll eat normally again. I'm not super thin because I don't have the discipline to eat so little. Or I start losing weight and then I notice that it's happening and I try and gain that weight back.

  Anyway, I read this book by Portia because I wanted to read it before I gave it to my sister. It was the most intense thing I've ever read in my life. However, it had the opposite effect on me than it was supposed to. At the end was how she recovered and some positive things, but I only skimmed over that part. What struck me the most was how she survived on 300 calories a day for a very long time. I wanted to do that. I wanted to stop eating.

  Even though I don't want to appear attractive because I don't want to be raped or molested, I hate the feeling of being overweight. I hate myself and I hate this fat. I hate that everyone thinks of me as the fat or heavier or overweight girl. And I know they do. For a couple of days I was with these two really thin girls this summer and they kept offering each other food, but never offered me any. Because they thought I didn't need any. It's what people think of me that makes me hate who I am. Makes me hate what happened to me. It makes me hate the world. But most of all, it makes me want to never ever eat again.

  So I keep going to the gym and turning down food. I bought a little datebook that I'm writing down everything I eat. I wish I could magically make myself just disappear I hate myself that much.

  I know that everyone is used to seeing positive posts from me. I'm sorry to disappoint.

  • 6:41 pm
  • 11 Comments