Okay guys, not to panic, because I'm totally keeping this blog as my main blog, but I've started a new one. Please please check it out, because I need your support for this painful thing.

PLEASE CLICKY HERE!!!!

In general, the year 2010 was really great. I got two promotions and raises in one year at work, and I had fun at work (whoever thought that could ever happen?!). I've been in a happier place than I ever have been in my life. And, I found Xanga.

Not literally. I've been on Xanga for 7 years. But not until this year did I really discover this sense of community, and feel a part of it. I've made a lot of new friends here this year (and continue to), and met some people who have become really great, close friends, who have changed my life and helped me realize things about myself and within myself.

This year on Xanga, I've had the honor of becoming a Top Blogger. I've had the pleasure of beating Dan in TBs before TheXangaTeam made it easier to be there (it was in the middle of the night, but it happened!). I've had so much fun getting to you so many of you this year, and I hope I can get to know more of you.

Thank you so much to everyone who has offered their support and advice to me, it really means a lot. Thank you for helping me on my journey to loving myself and who I am.

I really don't know what else I can say. I love you guys so much, and I am so happy that you are a part of my life. I hope that I can meet you guys sometime <3

So here's to a wonderful 2011!!

Okay, I feel the need to review what happened yesterday, everything, so that I can understand it.

Sometimes, Cody aggravates me so much that I punch him in the arm. Just for fun, not to be serious. Anyway, we were all joking around and I punched him in the arm and Josh goes, "Geez Crystal, you're so abusive." So then Cody said, "Yeah Crystal, why are you so abusive?" I didn't say anything, and given my history with all kinds of abuse, I took it seriously. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I really couldn't help it. It made me feel like I was literally no better than my mother. It made me feel so horrible. I didn't talk to anyone for a while and after lunch, I hid in the bathroom for 40 minutes and cried. Then we had a meeting so we went up to the conference room and waited for our boss. Cody started writing on the white board, playing hangman. He kept trying to get me to participate. I said, "oo, don't talk to the abuser." Cody said, "Crystal, you are not an abuser."

Tony was like, what? So then Cody says, "We were teasing Crystal about being an abuser and she took it to heart, for obvious reasons." I think up until that point, no one knew what was wrong with me. Even though Cody understood what was going on, I was still very upset and I didn't talk to anyone for the rest of the day. Then I tried putting it out of my mind until I cut myself like a zombie. This morning my skin and scabs and forming scar tissue burned in the shower and hurt and it was my reminder of what I had done. It was a mistake.

I still didn't talk to anyone this morning, for hours. I sat and stared like a zombie in a trance. There hasn't been anything to do at work all week, so yeah. Then I started looking up how to do origami (not easy, let me tell you). I failed with 2 out of 3 things I tried to make. Anyways. On the first thing I tried, an airplane that looks like a heart, I got stuck. So I asked Tony for help, and it was the first time I had spoken all day. After that, things kind of got better, but I was still very guarded.

At the end of the day, Cody kept sticking his hands in my face, trying to get me to hit him. I don't know why he would do that, considering it had made me so upset. I think he was testing me, to see how the situation had effected me.

Anyway, that's what happened. Even joking, being told that I was an abuser upset me greatly.

Sometimes, I just wish he would say sorry for upsetting me, because he knows he does (even though, this time it wasn't exactly his fault, but still).

On a final note, I have a four day weekend =]

I know this. And yet, I can't find it within myself to stop. I wasn't going to. I was, but then I decided not to. Then when I was getting tired and thought about going to bed, I saw the blade. I just picked it up and make a few quick slices. Then a few more. Then a deeper one. Then a few more quick ones. And a deeper one again.

The whole time I wondered if I was doing the right thing, and thinking that now I can't wear my pants with the hole right there. It burns and stings. It will burn and sting more when I take a shower in the morning. And it will hurt when I wear my jeans tomorrow and the coarse material rubs my leg. But that's what I wanted. I want the reminder there. I want it to hurt. I want to bleed out the toxic acid in my body. This is a start, but not nearly enough.

I just want everything to go away.

It's times like these when I truly think I was fooling myself into happiness. It doesn't exist for people like me, does it? I was fooling myself with silly hopes and dreams and things that could never possibly be.

I just wish everything would stop.

"All around me are familiar faces/worn out places/worn out faces...Hide my head/I wanna drown my sorrow/no tomorrow no tomorrow/I find it kinda funny/I find it kinda sad/the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had/I find it hard to tell you/I find it hard to take/when people run in circles it's a very very mad world...went to school/I was very nervous/no one knew me no one knew me/hello teacher tell me what's my lesson/look right through me look right through me" - Mad World, Gary Jules (I've never heard the Tears for Fears version, but I like this one)

I didn't want to do such a heavy topic for my first post back (in fact, I had been talking to Rob and we both thought I should do a boobs post), but this is on my mind, and this is my blog to write my thoughts, right?

So anyway. A couple of weeks ago I watched a re-run of the Ellen show where she interviewed her wife, Portia De Rossi. She wrote a book called Unbearable Lightness, a book chronicling her serious struggle with her eating disorder. My youngest sister has struggled a bit with it and so I bought it for her for Christmas. Before I gave it to her, however, I wanted to read it for myself. The interview between Ellen and Portia was very touching and I could clearly see how much they love each other and how hard it was for Ellen to ask her wife these tough questions on her show.

For those of you who are newer friends and subbies of mine, you probably don't know my reason for being overweight. I've talked about it before here. When I was 5, I was molested many times. Anyway, as I got older I kind of subconsciously became overweight. I did not want to ever go through those experiences again, so I wanted to make myself physically unattractive. In last year I've tried losing weight many times, but I end up sabotaging myself. Any time I see improvements, I stop eating healthier and stop exercising.

Anyway, other than that I've also been anorexic at times in my life. I'll go days and days and even weeks with hardly eating anything. Then I'll end up bingeing and then I'll eat normally again. I'm not super thin because I don't have the discipline to eat so little. Or I start losing weight and then I notice that it's happening and I try and gain that weight back.

Anyway, I read this book by Portia because I wanted to read it before I gave it to my sister. It was the most intense thing I've ever read in my life. However, it had the opposite effect on me than it was supposed to. At the end was how she recovered and some positive things, but I only skimmed over that part. What struck me the most was how she survived on 300 calories a day for a very long time. I wanted to do that. I wanted to stop eating.

Even though I don't want to appear attractive because I don't want to be raped or molested, I hate the feeling of being overweight. I hate myself and I hate this fat. I hate that everyone thinks of me as the fat or heavier or overweight girl. And I know they do. For a couple of days I was with these two really thin girls this summer and they kept offering each other food, but never offered me any. Because they thought I didn't need any. It's what people think of me that makes me hate who I am. Makes me hate what happened to me. It makes me hate the world. But most of all, it makes me want to never ever eat again.

So I keep going to the gym and turning down food. I bought a little datebook that I'm writing down everything I eat. I wish I could magically make myself just disappear I hate myself that much.

I know that everyone is used to seeing positive posts from me. I'm sorry to disappoint.

I'm ba-ack!!

Guess who got their power cord in the mail today?!?!?! That's right, me!! So anyways, I was super excited about that.

Anyway. I kind of want to talk about something serious, but maybe I'll do that tomorrow. Hrm. I was sort of having fun shopping on eBay. I seriously can't find any rings for my fat fingers =[ But I found some other cute jewelry. We'll see what happens.

I am super tired. I'll hang out for a bit before going to bed though....

Oh, and I have to change my theme now... I'll do that tomorrow =]

Hey xanga. I still don't have my computer cord for my computer (sad face). I'm just on my new iPod touch, stopping in to say hi and that I really really miss all of you. For those of you who got Christmas cards from me I hope you loves themzzzzz!!!! I hope I get my power cord tomorrow, fo realz. And I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!! <3

I'm really sorry, but my power cord for my computer stopped working =[ So I have to wait for it to come from eBay. Sad days, I know. I know that everyone will miss me, and I will talk to everyone more when my power cord comes in the mail (I tried going to Best Buy, but they don't have the older style power cords =[ )

Yeah, you heard me, FAT. THIN. PLUS-SIZED. CHUBBY. CURVY. AVERAGE (is what, exactly?). MUSCULAR. ROUND.

I am so sick of this crap. Listen.

Ever since man has walked this earth, people have been all shapes and sizes. That's just the way it is. That's the way it's always going to be. There's nothing you can do to change it. Look at the following art work:

The women in these paintings are real women. Real models. People who had to sit in the same position for hours at a time while the artist painted them. Since when do models have to be perfectly thin? When did this happen? More importantly, WHY did it happen? Why does the current society feel the need to objectify women as being super thin in order to be beautiful and wanted? Why does the media portray this? We are making women who are not skinny feel unloved, unwanted, and ugly.

It's about being HEALTHY, and feeling comfortable with yourself. You should love your body the way it is. If you want to get healthier, that's great... but you shouldn't feel so horrible for being the way you are. There's just as many health complications and risks for being underweight as there is for being overweight, so why are the bigger people constantly attacked?

The same goes for the people who are far too thin. They get attacked too. My dad was watching a young woman who was too thin performing a song on TV, and he says, "Holy shit, she needs to eat a sandwich."

I am just sick and tired of people attacking each other for being fat or skinny or whatever. It's just ridiculous. So, here's my chubby self:

I thought, hey, why not?

I was going to post a little story, then ask a controversial question.

I'll just go right for the question.

What's your sexual orientation?

(I really am curious)