I'm depressed again. I want to cover my face in shame. I want to burst out sobbing. My throat hurts from the lump that's there. I guess sometimes there are people that just aren't meant to be happy. I think I'm one of those people. I can't write and I'm so frustrated. Maybe I AM bipolar.

Nothing lasts.

I can't wait to have a baby. I want to be a mother so badly.

I feel so disconnected from Xanga. Will I ever feel at home here again? I feel like having to put my xanga on lockdown has violated my sanctity of this space. I found out one of the people who was reading my xanga. It was a co worker, not who I thought it was... I know because he told me. I felt weird about it, because apparently he had been reading it for a long time, and I shudder to think of all the things he read. It's not that he's creepy, but now I know that he's read some of my darkest secrets.

I don't know if I will ever be the same blogger. Will I regain all of my friendships? Will I ever be a top blogger again? I don't know. I miss writing, I miss making people laugh, I miss talking to everyone. I feel broken, like I'm losing touch of reality now that I'm not writing down my thoughts every day. I feel like I'm just... losing it. I can't write anymore.

I think I've lost myself.

Did you think this was going to be a story? Well, you're right.

So today Tony and Cody were standing around and Tony had a nylon strap that had a diameter of 2ft across. He said it was his cock ring. :O omg. So then Cody was like, "Yeah, it's like Crystal's penis with batteries." OMG. I tried keeping a straight face and said, "That's appalling!!" Then Cody was like, "But it's true." And then my face turned bright red and I just walked away.

I'm super shy, and I blush easily, and actually talking about sexual things makes me blush!! Furiously, I might add. Earlier in the day, I don't remember what we were talking about, but I blushed. Then Cody pointed it out. I asked him why he feels the need to point it out, and he said, "because it makes you blush more." So what is the fascination with guys making girls blush? Do they think it's cute?!

So anyways, at the end of the day, we were once again talking about going to Canada (in case you don't remember, I'm supposed to go to Canada to get a penis, according to Tony and Cody). Katie was like, "Can I just get a penis and carry it around in my hand?" And Cody's like, "Well, Crystal already has one of those. WITH batteries!!" So I said, "Have a nice weekend!" and walked away. Cody yells after me, "Have a good one!" Well, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out he meant have a good orgasm. :O And I did. Later.

True story.

I do.

You know what else I miss? College. If I can get myself out of debt and save for a house, I am SO going back to college.

Tomorrow morning I am going to be waiting out in the cold for a couple hours, to get the most anticipated CD of the year.... the Cities 97 CD Sampler. Last year I didn't get one... but this year I WILL, damnit! The track listing is out there, but I want it to be a surprise. Well, I just looked. Oh well, it's okay

Read more about it HERE.

Or, I can tell you about it. So when artists like John Mayer, Sara Bareilles, David Gray, Lifehouse, Brandi Carlile, and more come to the cities for concerts, they sometimes stop into Studio C, which is the Cities 97 recording studio. The have a small audience and they do a live interview and unique, acoustic performances of their music. Then every year in November, Cities 97 makes a CD with some of the performances from the past year from Studio C. They make them in limited quantities and they are only sold at Target stores in the metro area.

Target opens at 8am, and that's when they sell the CD. In recent years, you have to camp out at Target and wait in line or else you won't get a copy, it sells out that fast. Last year the Target I went to sold out in 3 minutes. Customers are limited to 2 copies, and pretty much immediately the CD sells on eBay for 2 and 3 times the original price (I think it's like $24). But anyway, all the proceeds of the CD sales go to local charities, so it's for a good cause.

I am super excited to wait in line in the cold...hahaha. I will dress warm, no worries. Anyways. I have to get to sleep because I'm tired and I have to leave early in the morning... I will let everyone know of my adventures tomorrow!!

I've been plagued by nightmares lately. I wake up terrified, with my heart pounding. Most of the time, I'm running away in my dreams. Running from someone who's trying to kill me. Running and being chased in dreams suggest that I am running from something in my life that I don't think I can get past in life. Last night, I dreamt that someone shot me in the back of the skull. At this time, I wasn't running away. I knew I was going to die. Then, I came back to life. But the bullet wound in my head wasn't healed. I don't know what exactly that means, but coming back to life after dying in a dream suggests change in life. Does dying in my dreams mean that I'm finally going to move forward in my life?

I don't know, but I'm still scared to go to sleep tonight. I'm so tired.

So I am hosting a Lia Sophia party on December 10th, and I'm closing the party on the 13th. I thought it would be nice to include my Xanga and FB friends... and I would love you forever if you bought something! If some people could buy just one little thing, that would be so awesome! I haven't set up the ordering online for my party yet, but if you wanna take a look around, you can go HERE. I got a really pretty bracelet that's retired for booking a party, so I was super excited.

Anyways. I had a dream last night that someone shot me in the head. I've been sleeping very poorly lately, compared to normal. I think it's because I'm so stressed with my new position. I'm sorry, but $15.70 an hour just doesn't seem like it's enough for what I'm going through to save this company thousands of dollars. I've been so stressed that I've been snapping at Cody and Tony. I feel really bad, so I went out and bought them a funny card yesterday, I hope they like it. I just don't like how this job is making me go backwards in my mental health. It seems like all the work I've done on myself is falling to the way side because this job is making my former self show again. Maybe I should tell my manager that I don't want to do this. I don't know. I wish I knew what to do. Haha, maybe I could sell Lia Sophia for a career (baha, yeah right!).

I hope all of you are well.... and better than me right now!!

I just like that phrase. It's interesting.

Anyway. I'm not writing a novel this month because I didn't have an idea. Now I have an idea, and I think I'm going to write it.

What would you do if you knew it was going to be your last day and that you were going to die?

That's my idea. What do you think? And there are plot twists in there... it's not JUST your last living day. But I can't tell you any of them

Anyways. Today was a terrible day... SO busy. Yesterday the system at work was down (SAP-Stolen Awful Program), so I got way behind from that. Plus, all the hot shipments that had to leave. Grr.

Hmm. Nothing else going on in the world of me. Playing Black Ops for the last couple days. I don't like it as much as MW2... but I do like the zombies.

How are you guys?

***Warning*** ***May be triggering***

Who knew cleaning the closet would pose such a problem? I can't breathe right now.

Of course, the closet is where we stuff our problems. Metaphorically. Literally this time.

I cleaned my room today and a little bit ago, I decided to sort through the mountain of clothes piled on the floor in my closet. A pile to throw away and a pile to wash to fold up and out away.

I was doing fine, I really was. I now have a whole basket of clothes to wash and I need to bring up a garbage bag to stuff full of throw away clothes.

Until I was almost done.

Then I see it.

A blood filled sock. Not literally filled. And the blood has long dried. But. This sock. Is one I used when I was cutting. Why didn't I throw it away? Instead of throwing it in my closet?

I haven't cut for months. I still have new razors too. In the case. And when I saw this sock... I immediately wanted to drag a blade across my skin.

When I was a cutter, I would slash my leg a few times really fast..sometimes pushing harder on the blade. Blood makes me nauseous...my stomach literally feels sick. But when I did it to myself...it was like a sick fascination with it. I would try to make it bubble up and run down by pushing and prodding at the self inflicted wound. Then I couldn't stand it anymore so I would dab at it with a clean, new sock. And keep dabbing until the bleeding stopped. Then I would cut myself again and repeat the process.

It made me feel better, when my world was spinning out of control and I couldn't control my emotions. Sometimes I miss it. I am not ashamed of my scars because they are a part of me. They are a part of my skin and a part of my mind. But I know I shouldn't do it.

But seeing this sock...oh my god. I want so badly to cut, you have no idea. Or, you might. I don't know. But I feel jittery and I can't breathe and I feel like the only way to feel better is to slide a blade across my skin.

I am such a sick fucking person and I hate it.

I hate myself right now.

In the time I've been gone, there are some things I've learned. Some things are deep, some are superficial. Anyhow, in the grand tradition of Xanga and her lists, with no further ado, the things I've learned in my time away from Xanga:

*I don't really like the ending of Toy Story 3, but it looks fucking fantastic on Blu-Ray

*Netflix is my best friend. Instant Queue is better than anything, ever. Especially when I can watch it from my PS3, without even having to put the disc in anymore! I can watch shows where I never saw the last season(s), such as Buffy and Angel, and shows I've never seen, such as Roswell and Firefly... PLUS, I watched the first 2 seasons of Dexter. It even looks clearer thru Netflix than if I were putting a DVD into my PS3....

*I am working hard to finish my tiger cross stitch. This isn't really anything I've learned, except that showing pictures of my progress makes people think that I am good at something.

*Mainstream music isn't the horrifying monster I used to think it is. Of course, I might change my mind, again, at some point. The only song from Ke$ha that I like, however, is Take It Off.

*Even though I've saved my company $15,000 in one month (so far), I only get $1 raise. That is fucked up, Daisy.

*I've changed my mind, and I think the death penalty is okay. Simply because I've realized that's the way of things. There is life, and there is death. Maybe the reason the planet is over populated is because the death penalty isn't practiced enough.

*I've also changed my mind about war as well. For the same reason mentioned above.

*I believe these things, even though I am a peaceful person, personally

*The ancient Mayans were an amazing people

*Time is fairly insignificant when one merely contemplates one's own lifespan

*Neon Trees is fucking amazing

*No matter how hard you try, you can't help someone unless they want to be helped

*You might never have a tomorrow

*Knowledge is power

*The mind is powerful

*Loving yourself is the best thing you can do for yourself

*Love life

*Spending time with your loved ones is special and should be cherished for always

*There will be haters, but all you can do is keep on keepin on