November 30, 2010
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Please Don't
About a week ago, I watched the interview on Oprah with Marie Osmond about her son's suicide. I cried several times, because I knew what it was like. Not to be a parent who's lost their child, but I knew how her son felt. I know what it's like to be on the edge of darkness, and peer in. I know what it's like to be surrounded in it until you can't see or breathe. I know what it's like to hurt inside. I know how it feels to be hopeless.
You don't believe me? You can go read some of my past posts:
10-27-03
10-27-03
12-12-03
12-18-03
8-14-04
10-16-04I've been there, and in my darkest times, I didn't write here. I didn't do anything. I stared at my bedroom wall for hours, curled up on my bed. I thought about how I would kill myself. I've had the bottle of pills in my hand. I've had the blade poised at my wrists. I've stood at the edge, wondering when I should jump. I've cut myself so deep that I can still feel the scar tissue. It's such a terrifying place that I can barely put it into words.
But it gets better. On Oprah, Marie said something very interesting that I've realized is so true. She said that when you're younger, you can't see past what's going on. But when you're older, you have the age and the wisdom to see past what you're feeling now, and you know that it's not going to last forever. When you're younger, you don't know, not really.
I honestly don't know what kept me from trying to kill myself every day for so many years. So many times I thought about it. Literally countless times. Several times a day. But I never even tried. I've had a really tough life, and somehow I knew there was more out there. I guess I was just waiting for the day when I could change myself, when I could get out of the situations that had put me in such a dark depression. I think everyone has this strength in them, it just needs to be recognized and acknowledged.
What I'm saying here, is please don't kill yourself. Pull yourself back from that ledge. Don't jump. Because one day, it's going to be okay. Change the things you can, and wait until you can change everything else.
It's going to be okay.
Comments (51)
I'll be honest. When I saw the title I was thinking of that new Mike Posner song "Baby please don't go."
HAHA.
I love you [: It is always going to be okay, no matter what. Even if you feel like dying, it'll ALWAYS be better tomorrow.
I think you are a great person for saying that...
Well put!
Serious food for thought. Very well said!
I think many people need to read this post; you said it so well.
very well said (:
I have nothing to add.... you've said it.
I was once in a dark place as well and daily wished I was dead, but I never did more than scratch myself. I don't know if it's because I knew there was more to this and that I knew it would get better, I sure did, but I didn't want to go through what I was any longer. I don't know if it was because I can easily distract myself or that pretending I was fine for so long turned out to be that I actually was really fine. Maybe I thought I didn't have it as bad as I thought. I think that all the time, that it wasn't as bad as I thought, until I tell people about it and they're like "how the fuck did you survive?"
I honestly don't know how I dealt with it, but I know now, that I could never commit suicide. That there are so many more beautiful things in the world, than the bad things that happen to you. That it really does get better. It never gets better instantly. You will not wake up the next day and be completely healed, but once you realize things are getting better you try to look back and see where it started to all get better and you realize there was always good in your life.
I'm glad you made it through your dark times. I'm glad you're here and I'm glad you're giving this message to people, even if it only a few. Some people need to read these kinds of things. They need a constant reminder that everything will be ok. Especially the young ones.
This made me cry. I can't add anything to this eloquent post.
This post is amazing and i hope alot of people read this, Your right things will be okay
This post is the best & most important one I've read all day. You said everything I wanted to say but didn't know how to put it into words. Thank you for writing this.
Great post!
It was a great post. I wish one of my old associate would've read this before he committed suicide.
I've been there, too. Life does get so much better. I would have missed out on so much laughter and love and joy had I ended my own life. I am so glad I didn't. Waiting can be the worst feeling in the world, but if you can wait just a little longer; wait 'til you're on your own, til you're out of your parent's house, hell, just until you're 25 and your brain has finished rewiring itself, you'll see that life can and will be so much more beautiful than you could ever imagine, being where you are now.
Kris
yeah.
I don't like Oprah, but I wish I could see this episode.
So very well put!
I am glad that you found the strength to carry on and have become a much stronger and wiser person because of it.
*shivers* I'm so glad you posted this.
I was going to commit suicide when I was around 12 or 13..right when I was about to do it a voice told me to stop...idk what it was..
It's been on my mind a lot lately just the what if's..if I was to do it..what would happen to all my crap when I'm gone..how would I...etc.
I don't think I ever will but sometimes it's just hard to get through the week
thanks for sharing your story
I've actually done it and when you wake up knowing you're still alive..it's not fun. For me personally I was just bombarded with questions, I was physically fucked up from the pills for at least a week and I was just pissed in general. No one understood it and just thought I was stupid. That was about 5-6 years ago. I still don't regret it. Because after that I happened to meet someone who changed my life dramatically.
My life is not sunshine and rainbows years later. I still get depressed, I still think about death and suicide. But I've learned to accept those thoughts. Pushing them away just made it worse for me. Denial is never good. Instead I delve into them a bit, meditate with those feelings to try to better understand them, and I give it about a day and I am generally fine. I still feel horrible shit sometimes but the difference is now I don't let it control me. Things can get "better" but it depends on the person. Some people are able to leave depression behind but that is not for me. I learn too much from it as much as I learn from feelings like joy and anger.
Good for you to survive such events and very true on Oprah's comment.
That is one reason why we have to respect elders because they know more stuffs than us.
It would be such a terrible thing to have one of your children kill themselves. I'm sure she has to wonder if she did something that contributed to (or created) his dispair.
It's so true, at the moment when you were much younger and more immature you really can't see past what's going on.
So many times I just stop and think like 'wow I can't believe I'm still alive'
my past entries (both on xanga and actual notebook diary) are frightening to look at, sometimeswhen I go back and read a few entries I get scared. I'm like "I wrote this..??"
I really, really, really agree with you
don't kill yourself.
such a good post hon!! i have stood on that edge many times. but i tried to jump...thankfully someone caught me! i know now too that things will pass, times will get better, and i will heal. thank you for reminding me of that, and for sharing this.
goooooood post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Very well put...
iv been there a few times, even more recently, but since i turned 18 i started useing going out drinking as a means of escape. Hense my lastest blog where i almost get my self left battered black and blue in Glasgow just to fight away the depression. enjoyed reading your post xxx
Your preaching to the quire! I tell these Pro Ana Pro Ed girls this all the time. This is just a little part of your ENTIRE life. Don't kill yourself by dieting before your life has even gotten started. If I had a nickel for every calorie I counted....I'm 45 now and I look back and go "what the fuck was I doing?" I would never let my child any where near xanga if I did not feel that they were in good mental health. I finally figured out what a troll was, "a blogger who kicks a person while there down but acts really concerned while stabbing you in the back only to go to another page and talk shit. Today alone I read 3 blogs where people were on the brink of suicide and guess what 9 tenths of the comments were? "keep going baby, you can lose more, you can do it, stay strong" and these were supposed friends of this one kid. Maybe xanga could make a blog ring for people who care more about friends than top blogs caus I would join in a heart beat! Great post!
Who had not thought of suicide?
I know I once did. In my head, but never really working it out. If it was not about the 'religion' and the fiery torment that awaits - maybe, just maybe I might have been given myself the go ahead. Too much, blah, blah, blah - I know.
Love your thoughts. And yeah, we are living because we choose to.
Good thought to shareI pray this will make a difference in someones life,so glad that you got through it. <3
so many of us have been there, at the edge. Sometimes when you're older, even though you know things could change in an instant and the things bothering you won't last.... hormones can screw you over where nothing looks real and everything looks black. Nothing is reasonable. At that point something or somebody outside yourself has to save you, because you don't care. May you never be there.
I watched that episode with my mom which was really difficult. I've struggled with depression for so, so many years and I think my mom finally got a little bit of a glimpse of what that's been like for me.
I've lost a friend and two family members to suicide. The pain for those left behind is unbearable.
Please know that you've done an amazing thing here by sharing so honestly. I hope your experiences and your willingness to share your soul will help MANY people! I wish all the younger people on Xanga could read this. You have been a voice not only for those who understand the pain of being suicidal, but you have also been a voice for those who have to go on with life without someone they love.
Hugs to you.
This post should be number one on top blogs!
Excellent post. I think everyone, at some point in time, has come close to this, even if they don't realize or will admit that it was bad.
One thing that always stuck with me was my high school health teacher deciding to dedicate a portion of our class to suicide. We had to watch a Lifetime movie which I remember skipping out on, but in the end, he still got to me. I remember one day him saying that suicide was a permanent solution to a temporary problem and, when put into that perspective, it makes things a little easier to take.
I hope you're doing well now and that anyone who is currently in the situation, don't give up. Even in the worst of moments, it will get better.
Amen to that!
Man have I ever been there. I've spent weeks and even months on end thinking about nothing but killing myself. I visualized walking over and grabbing my 45, sticking it in my mouth, and blowing the back of my head off. I didn't just think about it, I obsessed over it. I kept seeing it and seeing it over and over for what seemed like forever. I could never get past wanting to do it though, to just make everything stop. Everything. I always feared what would happen next. What if what happens next is even worse? What if nothing really stops, what if, you know?
Now I'm looking back on those dark days like someone standing on the back of a boat looking at the wake behind them, and I see God's hand in it all, protecting me from myself and the darkness I struggled with. And I'm grateful. And I'm grateful that you've come through too, and that you're out here speaking honestly and reaching out to others who are hurting. Peace to you, friend
I almost kill myself but that night my mom and my sis in law stop me. Im glad they did or else i wouldnt be here 6 years ago. When i get depress i always have to think of my bf and I cant leave my bf in this world alone. I love him so deeply.
My cousin kill his self with a gun age at 16 in 2005 before hurricane katrina hit. I still miss him.. I look at my family,his close friends and other peoples. Its was so sad.
If depress try to talk to somebody or go to mountian or lake just let it out and screamm that will make u feel better or something..
<3
Thanks
.
I love you for posting this.
It does get better.
"I've had the bottle of pills in my hand. I've had the blade poised at my wrists. I've stood at the edge, wondering when I should jump."
I've known you go through these very low times but these few sentences were so striking. They just throw it out there, how frightening it must be.
Thank you for sharing this and I truly hope it helps even one person. I am glad you realise that there is more to what we might see today or tomorrow. It's very true what you quoted. It's funny. They say younger people have more hope and/or optimism, and yet with age coems that wisdom that things can get better.
i'm glad you haven't killed yourself. it goes without saying that you serve as an inspiration to people here on xanga.
I know how that is, and currently had a brush with friend, whom I am currently allowing as my houseguest until she can get on her feet. When I was younger, it was all about right then and the future just seemed too far away. I couldnt pull myself to kill myself, yet found some pleasure in an eating disorder I had, and eventually put into action. Honestly, being in school was the time in my life with the least responsibilities... however, it was also the time in my life that I was most overwhelmed.
Thanks. I was thinking of killing myself today and you stopped me...
Thank you!
Somedays I wish I could remember this, life does get better
Perfect timing that I read this just now. Thank you.
Hi love,
Good for you. Please don't give up. I tried to kill myself 3 times and the last time I flatlined for a few minutes by myself in my bedroom. It is only by the grace of God that I'm still alive. You are beautiful and you have a purpose. We all do.
A lot of people know that darkness. I myself have gone through something similar. The thing that people lose sight of is that there is hope. Life is always changing, and when you've hit rock bottom, there's truly no way to go but up. It's not easy, but things will get better.
I'm glad you saw that things would not always be so bad.
Great post.
im at this point right now .................. sucks
i got to thinking that a lot. i realized the difference between wanting to be dead but not to die.
i have wanted to fade, disappeared and become invisible. the only way to have done that, i thought, was to die. but that would not have solved anything. at that time when i wanted to do it, i knew nothing would come out of it. but oh, how badly i want to fade. so badly i want to disappear.i dont have the gut to commit suicide. i dont have the gut to die. but that what really kept me from going any further. in that alone, my family and friends are lucky and blessed not to be left with that pain.
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