Month: November 2010

  • Crystal!!

    So today my supervisor was talking to me and Cody says "Crystal!!" I looked at and said "what?!" He goes, "Nothing, I just wanted your attention so Jake doesn't have it." O.o

    I am really glad that people can relate to me, and that I can help others with my experiences. I don't reply to all the comments, but I read them all, and I love reading them.

    My mom might be crazy, but she's always said that I'm meant to help others with my strength. Maybe this is true. And I think this is why I blog. I bring you painful stories that are filled with hope in the end. I bring you laughter when you need it. I bring you hope and inspiration when you need it the most. I give you the best eHugs you've ever had, with truth and compassion behind them.

    So here's to everyone that finds my words helpful.

    hugs

    hug_5

    hug

    hug

    CuteKittyHug

    cat-hug-1-420x350

  • Please Don't

    About a week ago, I watched the interview on Oprah with Marie Osmond about her son's suicide. I cried several times, because I knew what it was like. Not to be a parent who's lost their child, but I knew how her son felt. I know what it's like to be on the edge of darkness, and peer in. I know what it's like to be surrounded in it until you can't see or breathe. I know what it's like to hurt inside. I know how it feels to be hopeless.

    You don't believe me? You can go read some of my past posts:
    10-27-03
    10-27-03
    12-12-03
    12-18-03
    8-14-04
    10-16-04

    I've been there, and in my darkest times, I didn't write here. I didn't do anything. I stared at my bedroom wall for hours, curled up on my bed. I thought about how I would kill myself. I've had the bottle of pills in my hand. I've had the blade poised at my wrists. I've stood at the edge, wondering when I should jump. I've cut myself so deep that I can still feel the scar tissue. It's such a terrifying place that I can barely put it into words.

    But it gets better. On Oprah, Marie said something very interesting that I've realized is so true. She said that when you're younger, you can't see past what's going on. But when you're older, you have the age and the wisdom to see past what you're feeling now, and you know that it's not going to last forever. When you're younger, you don't know, not really.

    I honestly don't know what kept me from trying to kill myself every day for so many years. So many times I thought about it. Literally countless times. Several times a day. But I never even tried. I've had a really tough life, and somehow I knew there was more out there. I guess I was just waiting for the day when I could change myself, when I could get out of the situations that had put me in such a dark depression. I think everyone has this strength in them, it just needs to be recognized and acknowledged.

    What I'm saying here, is please don't kill yourself. Pull yourself back from that ledge. Don't jump. Because one day, it's going to be okay. Change the things you can, and wait until you can change everything else.

    It's going to be okay.

  • Okay, so I lied

    ...to myself.

    I wanted to watch some movies, but first I just wanted to play a couple of songs on Guitar Hero, and that was all.... then I would watch some movies.

    Well, 2 hours later, here I am, still playing GH. Oh, what I shame.

    However, I must say that I've gotten quite good on the easy... I don't think I could ever play anything else other than easy...but I guess we'll see.

  • What do you see

    The remains of snow hangs around on the tops of the other townhouses I can see. The sloping yard shows evidence of kids sledding down, making snowmen and snow angels. Snow no longer covers the evergreens, but the sparkling white stuff sits atop the gazebo at the end of the boardwalk that sits at the edge of the barely frozen pond. Hot spots of water show where the snow and almost the ice has melted from the water. Most of the ice is covered in snow but some of the ice shows through when the rising sun reflects upon it. Sleeping marsh grass lines the edge of the pond with birch, oak, and maple trees, their leaves fallen and forgotten. The fountain in the center of the pond has gone quiet with the coming season as the bitter cold settles in.

    ~*~

    If you couldn't tell, that's the scene from my bedroom window, for those of you who wanted me to write about that. The reason it was a choice was because I happened to look out my window and I thought I could describe it somewhat picturesque. My dad is getting ready to decorate for Christmas and the football game is on in a couple hours. We are getting a real tree this year for the first time!!!!

  • Little to none

    I don't know what to talk about, you guys. Maybe you guys could vote on my next topic?

    *my religious views
    *a funny drinking story
    *a funny story about things that happen at work
    *a short fiction story
    *a poem
    *what I see from my bedroom window
    *write-ins are welcome =]

    Well, I'm starving, so I'm gonna go eat. Hmm... eggs and toast, peanut butter and jelly, or Toaster Strudels?? I'll figure it out when I get downstairs =]

  • Ugliness

    I'm not sure why I'm doing this. Am I proving a point? What point is that? I don't know. Anyways.

    Here I am with no make up on:

    Photo 251

    Gross and ugly right?! So here's me with make up:

    Photo 252

    I have to wear make up to be pretty, bottom line. It is what it is, I guess. Some of us are just ugly.

  • Are you fucking KIDDING me?!?!

    Okay, so a day or two ago, I saw a post on the front page, and it said "Why women should cheat" and I didn't click on it because I thought it would be a ridiculous waste of time.

    Have you read this post??

    Okay, let's clarify something. There's a difference between being in a committed relationship and being in an open relationship. Committed means there's absolutely no one else. An open relationship is when two people decide that it's okay to see other people (I've tried this... and nope, didn't like it). This, in fact, is not called cheating when you're with more than one person in an open relationship.

    Anyway.

    "From bromances to concubines, men have always been comfortable getting what they need from multiple people, and society has always been supportive of their ability to do so." Okay, what does this even mean? Yes, everyone gets different things out of different kinds of relationships. This is normal, and it doesn't mean that someone is cheating, unless it IS cheating (if you know what I mean). This statement from the writer makes no sense.

    "With regards to women, however, there is no culture that seems to have truly embraced women being unfaithful." Annnnnd, since when have cheating men been accepted by culture and society? I must have missed that memo, because generally cheating is NOT acceptable for men or women.

    "But perhaps we've been looking at this all wrong. Women are very emotional creatures, whereas men really are not. Women need to be nurtured in many ways and have various needs that have to be met. The modern woman feels the urge to nurture a man and be needed, but she also wants to feel independent, sexy, wanted. She wants to be, at once, the wife and the fantasy.

    Realistically, it is very difficult to find a man that can cater to all of these needs. And even if he could, he would be exhausted. This results in women who are always somewhat unsatisfied by their relationships because they are never going to get everything that they want, because in reality what they want is illogical."

    The entirety of these two paragraphs is astonishing. First of all, the writer contradicted herself by saying that women need to be nurtured, and then states that women want to be independent. So it sounds like this person is very high maintenance, and can't decide what she wants. Do you want to be nurtured or do you want to be independent?? You can't be both. This person is also very selfish. A relationship requires sacrifices on the part of both parties, and no one is always going to get what they want. So that means you run out and cheat on your SO?! How childish and immature to even think that way. Obviously you're not ready for a committed relationship.

    "In order for women to be satisfied in the most perfect way, perhaps it is best for society to consider accepting the idea of infidelity in women with the same cavalier attitude that they would a man. Women are far more complex and needy than their male counterparts, so why should it be wrong for an intelligent, grounded woman to simply say: "I have many needs, not all of them can be met by one person, so I'm going to share myself with several people?""

    The writer is giving women a VERY bad name here. How shallow and selfish can one person be??

    Posts like this DO NOT deserve the front page. I have more to say on this horrid post, but I can't think straight because I'm so appalled.

    Bottom line: Cheating is NOT OKAY, no matter WHO it is!!!!

  • What are you thankful for?

    As for me, I am thankful that I have so many wonderful friends, both online and offline. I couldn't ask for anything more. They don't seem like much, but ehugs can be the bestest gift ever. This means you, Xanga. Even saying that you don't know what to say means something because it means that you are so overwhelmed with emotion that words have escaped you (or something like that).

    I am thankful that my humor is (mostly) understood. Even if I'm not really funny, you guys humor me (sometimes).

    I am thankful that with the money I'll be getting back from my taxes in February (it seems like so far away, but time really is flying by), I'll be able to pay about 1/2 my debt. That's very exciting for me, because that means I won't be so far behind every month and then I can focus on paying off the rest, then saving for a house. So, that means, only about 2 more months of having NO money left over from my paychecks.

    I am thankful that Brad Childress was fired today. ('nuff said, really)

    I am thankful that I will be able to have a wonderful Thanksgiving lunch with my dad's side of the family, then a wonderful dinner at the Treasure Island buffet, which includes CRAB LEGS!!!!! I haven't had those since the last time we were there for Thanksgiving, which was about 3 years ago, I think.

    I am thankful for the family members that I love.

    I am thankful for the love and support from my friends and family.

    I am thankful that I have a roof over my head.

    I am thankful that I have a job.

    I am thankful for so much more....

    What are you thankful for?

    1259261884-ThanksgivingFeast

  • 11:11

    I wish for you ♥

  • Violated

    A violation that poisons your soul. It creeps and twists and hides. It knows your weaknesses. It whispers dirty pretty half truths and dirty pretty white lies into your innocent ears.

    Rape.

    It steals your skin and wears it like a wolf in sheep's clothing. It becomes you, until you are nothing in your own mind. It lays in wait, for the perfect moment to strike and bare its deadly fangs. It's too late.

    I want to cut it out of me. I want to cut my skin until I can reach in and yank the demon out and rid myself of its presence. Until I hear its voice no more.

    It's not silent.

    The lies become truth, dirty and pretty and filthy. Skin is never clean. Tainted thoughts until I am no more.