September 22, 2010
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Ashamed to be gay?
It’s not something that I shout from the rooftops or just tell people, but I am bisexual.
Having grown up with no religion in my life, I never had the misfortune of having to justify my sexuality with my religion. I know that’s something a lot of Christians struggle with (which I really don’t understand why the religion is so against homosexuality).
I never saw it as an issue in my life. It was a little confusing when I was with my ex-girlfriend, but also because it was my first relationship. I was with her, and I thought I was just bisexual, because a year prior I had completely fallen in love with this guy Mike (nothing ever came of that… which is probably best). Then I dated Dallas a while after Susan and I broke up. When I was with Dallas it was more confusing. Because of a certain situation, I thought I was a lesbian. I thought this for a long time.
Now, I know for a fact that I am bisexual. I am still very much attracted to men. I guess Dallas just wasn’t the guy for me at all, and it was a bad time for me to be with him. So I have struggled with this a little bit in the past, but now I am comfortable with who I am.
However. There is one thing that’s been hard for me from the start. Telling my family and close friends. I lost 2 best friends when I first came out of the closet. Why? Because both of them were devout Christians. Family was harder. All of my sisters know. My mom and step dad knows. One of my aunts on my mom’s side know. And that is all. I’ve never told my dad. I never knew what to say to him. So I never did. I think he’s suspected it in the past, but we’ve never discussed it. My mom thinks it’s disgusting. She was disappointed when I told her. Then she was always pushing me dating men and kept telling me all these guys she could set me up with (this was when I thought I was a lesbian). My sisters don’t care, and the aunt that knows is bisexual herself. Am I ashamed to tell the rest of my family members? Maybe. Because I know they find it disgusting and wrong. I also don’t know how to say it. But I am not ashamed to BE bisexual.
Hmm.
Last night on How I Met Your Mother there was a hot lesbian kiss at the end. So there was a few coworkers by me today, Cody, Tony, and Ameer. I was like, “Last night on How I Met Your Mother there was this hot lesbian kiss.” Tony said, “You got all excited, didn’t you?” I said, “Yeah, it was pretty awesome.” Then I was like, “My dad got mad at me the other day because we were watching some show and there was a guy with no shirt on and I was like, ‘OMG!!’ and he told me to calm down. But he was frickin HOT!!” Ameer kind of shook his head, and Tony was like, “Crystal, I think you confused him.” Tony and Cody already know that I’m bi, so it wasn’t that big of a deal for them to hear this from me.
Anyways, that’s all I had to say.
Comments (30)
about the whole religion being against homosexuality…i have this theory they were anti homosexuals because homosexuality is a form of birth control and at that time, they needed as many people as they could get to be born and live.
I don’t think you should tell them unless you want too…your sex life is between you, your significant other and God. No one else needs to know unless you want them too.
it’s counter intuitive, but I think coming out as bisexual is harder than being gay. In addition to the negative reactions about being gay, there is a lot of confusion about bisexuality. It’s not a choice to be bisexual, but to outsiders bisexual does appear to imply choice. Good luck coming out to your family.
How you lead your life is up to you. I’ve never had to deal with a similar experience. They grew up in a time where it wasn’t socially acceptable to be bi, and they were never taught anything about it. People fear what they don’t understand, its a natural human reaction. Your parents will hopefully come around with time. The friends you lost were guided by a culture that refuses to accept the changing modern times. I hope they come back to be your friends one day. I’ve had a couple cute girls in the past stop talking to me in the past because I was Jewish, it’s awkward thing to deal with.
Love the last paragraph. Great little anecdote there, haha
I’ve never really understood why religious people are so against same-sex love either. Sure, okay, “‘Cuz Jesus sed so!” But there’s no other really legitimate argument against allowing two consenting adults to do whatever the heck they want, except baby-making, but there’s so many more heterosexuals in the world than homosexual or bisexual people that it’s sort of a moot point, and always has been.
My sexuality has been confusing too. Straight to bisexual to gay to pan to just me.
I’m sorry you’re finding it hard to come out to your family. I faced the same thing. In fact, I’m pretty sure the vast majority of my extended family didn’t know until they added me on facebook, and by then it was so fait accompli, most of them didn’t have much of an issue. An aunt and my grandfather disowned me though, so… I know the feeling. I hope you find a way to be open about who you are without facing recrimination.
hah. I love your story
I’m out to just about everyone in my family. At least immediate family.
But there are some people I just don’t care if they know. I’m not ashamed of it. I just know that their reactions will not be favorable. And it’s not really any of their business. And I don’t care to hear them tell me how I’m wrong. That I’m going to burn in hell. That I’m a sinner.
Not my cup of tea listening to idiots. Family or not.
I’m pretty sure most of them have figured it out by now. I’m 30. I don’t date guys. And I jizz all over when a movie is talked about that has an actress I have a thing for.
Interesting story. I wish I was a kid again, since sexuality wasn’t really an issue…I can definitely understand where you’re coming from.
I know it must be confusing. I think, if you stay centered, know yourself well and live from there, whatever happens with other people’s opinions will be minimalized. ?
j.
I was horrified when I read that you lost Christian friends because of this. That is NOT Christianity at all! The thing is, the Bible says that God created women for men, not men for men or women for women and it says directly somewhere not to sleep with someone of the same sex. But you know what? It also says to love everyone no matter what and to show love, compassion, mercy and so much more. Your friends should have stayed by your side like real Christians would have and I’m so sorry that happened to you. I think actually seeing gay couples making out is gross, but I don’t think gay people are gross. That’s actually what Christianity is supposed to be.
A Xanga friend recommended your post, and that’s how I got here. Lol. Just clearing that up b/c I always wonder how people get to my page. =)
Actually, can our lives be mirror images in the experience you just mentioned? Maybe not exact replicas, but I, too, am bi. Actually, it’s a very different case, but also quite similar. I just like to think it’s a mirror image b/c I can’t relate to many people on this subject and it’s nice to find somewhat of a similarity on this matter. ANYWAY, on to the advice part…..
My family is Catholic, and when I started coming out, I talked to a priest about it. Let me tell ya, he cleared up a lot of things about our view on homosexuality for me, and it has made me very much so confident in coming out. Why are Christians so against it? Psh, beats me (especially when I’ve been informed directly). But I’m pretty confident that for most people, it’s a preconceived idea bashed into our minds before questions can be asked.
That wasn’t really advice. I just like rambling.. Anyway…… I’m really sad that you’ve lost your close friends and are cautious to tell the rest of your family. It’s nice to have the support of the people you care about, and I understand that totally. But ya know what? I know you aren’t religious but the priest told me this the day that I decided to come out to my parents..
“If you feel that they can handle it, you may tell them. You, better than anyone, have the best judgment whether they can take it or not.” That doesn’t go for just parents, but for everyone I think. With that, I didn’t feel too obligated to do it so much anymore, but for my personal comfort, I did tell them. I hope you don’t do anything outside of your comfort zone, b/c that’s what it’s all about. I think that may be the best advice I can give..
I’ve questioned if I was a lesbian too lol. But I know that I’m definitely attracted to guys. They are yet to be attracted to me though (at least the sane ones lol).
MINI-BLOG-LONG-ASS-COMMENT. take what you will & good luck, yo! =)
Love is blind
Girl I loved this!
I’m bi, and a Christian so it has been very difficult. The past four years, I went to a Christan college in St Paul and last year was the president of the unofficial GSA there. My childhood best friend who is like my sister has a huge problem with it, and while I was seeing a girl last year, it almost destroyed our friendship. My parents only know I am an ally, although my mom I am pretty sure knows. They aren’t pleased regardless, which is painful because I am so close to my parents. However, the majority of my friends have been amazingly supportive.
I am glad you have been able to figure out who you are, it’s not easy and I definitely understand that. Good for you!
Good for you for coming out to most of your family!!! I will never be able to come out to my family, bc they are very religious(Christians). Yeah…. that will just have to be left… unsaid! They would all hate me….. so I’m not even going to bother. I am not ashamed though. It’s just a real tough situation…. for some. =/
I too am a bisexual Christian. Fortunately while I have friends who disagree with it, I’ve never had anyone condemn me for it. I’ve also never “come out” so to speak, to anyone. I don’t see it as something I need to announce to anyone or “confess”. I think maybe this is the reason I’ve never encountered a problem. At this point, most everyone in my life knows and nobody has made anything of it, including my super conservative paternal family. I’m really lucky though.
Actually, I love being gay. But I think I have the most accepting parents in all the world, and siblings too. And FRIENDS. No one gives me a hard time about it, and I’ve never been ashamed!
I think it is not that you are too embarrassed to tell people you are bisexual. I think it’s probably more that you don’t want to have to hear the negative feedback. It’s perhaps much like when I was younger and against a war over which most people in the suburbs around me were waving the flags and shouting “bomb the bastards” from their rooftops. I figured they would have looked at me like I had two heads and wasn’t “patriotic”. The same with the predominant racist attitudes among the parents in that neighborhood that trickled down to their kids. One friend turned around and walked home when after listening to his unsolicited out of the blue racist tirade one day I told him I wasn’t a racist.
I’m sad you’ve lost close friends over this. I have several gay friends and I know that when they came out they were terrified and lost friends as well. It’s hard for some people (mostly straight people, as it turns out) to imagine that kind of fear. Not a fear of being your true self but just fear of people finding out about your true self. And I’m sorry you live with this in some aspect of your life. We all have secrets we keep to ourselves but it’s usually nothing of this magnitude.
When my parents had a mini-intervention with me (years ago) trying to figure out what was wrong, they guessed that I was gay and having trouble with coming out or whatnot. When I said I wasn’t gay, they then reassured me that it was ok that they’d always be there for me etc. etc. etc. and it made me realize that I wish more people were more understanding the way my parents are. … ‘Course, I’m not gay, and I think they were actually a little put out that they hadn’t figured me out in all of their infinite parental wisdom, but still. All parents should love their children no matter what, and I’m so very sorry. I’m here for you if you ever need.
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Must have hurt when two friends left you after you came out. Well, no matter what others say, I am a Christian. God made you as you are and loves you…as you are. Hang in there!
PS I have many gay friends. I am not gay nor bi..have been married for more than 30 years. And, I go to church and God is very much an integral and daily presence in my life.
He loves you just as you are.
Christy
I’ve been exploring my sexuality recently and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m pansexual. I am attracted to both sexes, just in a different percentage. Men = 90%, women = about 10. I don’t like to call myself bisexual or even bicurious, because when it comes down to it, I can’t see myself having sex with another woman. But I AM attracted to certain females. That’s why I prefer the term pansexual–I’m generally attracted to the person and not their gender.
You don’t need to feel like you have to give full disclosure to everyone. I follow the tact of ~need to know basis~ if they need to know, then tell them. I have to think that when you lose friends over being yourself~ that is an indication that they weren’t friends worthy of you in the first place. I know that doesn’t make it any easier. Perhaps it is something in them that they fear more than learning more about who you are. Kudos for sharing this.
I’m bisexual also, and I didn’t have religion in my life growing up either. I told a few friends in highschool, but I don’t tell people randomly. I’m married now so it really doesn’t make any difference what I am. My husband knows, but not much of my family does.
No one should be ashamed to be gay, or bi, or straight. Love is love. It knows no gender. =)
I’m bisexual as well and I’m not ashamed. I don’t advertise it though. It’s not like, “Hi, I’m Suge and I’m bi.” There are a handful of my friends who do not know about it, my coworkers don’t know, and my parents don’t know. I don’t even think my therapist knows. If it ever comes up, with my therapist, I’d tell her. But with my parents, I’m just waiting for the right time. I don’t think my mom would give a shit. But my dad, I think it would weird him out. It’s not that he’s homophobic or anything I just don’t think he’d know what to say. I think he suspects it, I mean I told him I went to a strip club once and had a good time. I think that freaked him out but possibly confused him because he’s known of guys that I’ve been interested in. In the end, I just keep it to myself and if it comes up, I’ll tell them.
First off, woot woot for the Bi-Pride.
Secondly, there are a few verses in the bible about homosexual practices being a sin/an abomination/however your particular translation perfers to word it, and it’s prat of the reason it took me so long to accept my own sexuality. I ruined technically two, but I only count one, relationships because I felt I had to choose between my love for God and my love for a girl. In the end, I finally realized I still loved God regardless of who I was with, guy or girl.
As for telling the family, I’m more or less out to everyone EXECPT my family. I came out to my dad a few months ago and it was nerve racking (I wrote him a letter since he lives in FL), but he sent me an email and said he’d love me regardless cause I’m his “little girl”. Had me smiling for a long while, that one did. I don’t know if he told my step-mom or anyone else, but I’m cool with it if he does. My mom… that’s a whole different story. I’ve decided to tell her after I move out (still living with her unfortunately). I’d like to have a place to go when she disowns me, which I know she’ll most likely do. I’m also not out to the people I consider my “closest” friends, again because they’re super-religious and wouldn’t accept it. They’d attempt to “pray the spirit off me” is what I’d expect. And that’s not a joke.
I don’t know. It’s kind of disturbing and a downer to know my best friends and the person I’ve lived with since I was 4 that’s supposed to love me no matter what and support me won’t talk to me when I finally come out to them. I think my mom might eventually tolerate me again, since she is after all my mother, but I know she’ll never accept it fully. And if I do end up with a girl, she won’t be happy. There’s no doubt in my mind.
But I’ve accepted that. There isn’t really anything else you can do. People aren’t going to always agree with you, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t be who you are. So I say just tell your dad and/or rest of your family. The worst that could happen is they turn you into the black sheep of the family. And at best, they’ll say good for you and carry on. That’s life.
Good luck to you either way.
I’m a Christian, and I love you.
Everyone thinks I am gay. I have pretty much came out of the closet, and I am not even bi. I am gay by association.
I’m not ashamed to be bisexual, either! Coming out has been a struggle, but I’m not backing down. I believe sexuality is fluid, though, and what sexuality you identify with may change throughout your life. Being bisexual can be hard; people seem to have a tough time understanding it. But I’m proud of who I am!
I am not sure if I am straight. I know I am attracted to men, but there are some times where I notice a girl and I just like NOTICE. Not like oh her hair is pretty, but like wow her face, and her breasts, and legs. I just think maybee I might be Bi. Also, If I am I will not be ashamed because I have many friends that are gay or Bi. I just think the hardest part would be to tell my two best girl friends. Most likely they would leave me, and I just don’t know how I would take that. But, with my family, well my mom and sister I think they would love me the same. LoL. Anyway, way to go for knowing yourself and loving yourself.