September 7, 2010
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Dear Mom
Dear Mom,
You don’t know this, but I intensely dislike you. In fact, I downright loathe you. Sometimes, I even hate you. How can I hate you and love you at the same time. A better question is, how can I love you? Just because you birthed me? Is that enough?
I can’t stand how you treat your family and the people around you. You’ve obviously never grown up. Yes, you had a shitty childhood. You lost a baby when you were 15. You’ve had it rough. But once you grew into adulthood, you had the freedom to make your own choices. And you made the wrong ones. Continuously. But just because you made all the wrong choices and kept going in the wrong direction gives you license to treat people the way you do?
Because of you and your choices, my sisters and I are not okay. Do you care about that? Do you ever think about it? Do you know that it’s your fault? That it’s your fault we were/are all cutters? That we damaged our skin to try and rid ourselves of the pain you’ve caused? Because you hate yourself, you have to destroy us? Will you be happy when we are the ones who are alcoholics? Do you feel guilt?
Sometimes, I remember the good times. They used to happen more. Now, they are rare. Not so precious a gem, if the person it’s coming from no longer matters to me.
No longer can you hurt me. I am my own person, and I want nothing to do with you. When Taylor is finally out of your horrid house, I will tell you all of these things, and how much you disgust me. And then, I wish to never speak to you again.
Remember that beautiful, nice, big house we lived in when I was in high school? At first, people teased me because it was the most expensive house in town. But they didn’t know what happened in those walls, did they? Not until word spread through the small town; about the whore of a mother I had. One who did drugs and neglected her children. No, things aren’t as they seem, are they? You remind me of Faye Dunaway in Mommy Dearest. But that house. My step father called that house The House of Sorrow. But that’s not true, is it? Every single house you’ve lived in has been a House of Sorrow. Because, of the simple fact, that you are the one that lives there. You bring hatred and darkness wherever you are. You are vile. I am not sorry for saying these things. I am not sorry for saying the truth. One time I screamed at you, “If we were so happy, then how come I can’t remember it?!” Truth. It hurts, doesn’t it?
Oh, but you don’t accept truth. No. You live in a world of denial, don’t you? I figured this out long ago. And I will never understand it. How can you twist the truth of yourself into something that isn’t real? How can you not see yourself and your actions and words as others see them?
Well, I don’t really care. Because I am done with you. I wash my hands of you. It’s taken me 24 years to figure out that you mean nothing to me.
You can’t hurt me anymore.
-Crystal
Comments (22)
BAM! The healing begins!
Reminds me of my daughter and exwife. They don’t get along.
Good for you. It is very brave of you to write and post this. I can completely understand where you are coming from. I wrote a blog about my dad a while back, who I both love and hate. It’s tricky feeling that way. But always understand your own worth, that’ll keep you sane.
and then comes the birth of a new life
No wai. We are both from MN. And we have the same fuckin’ name. WHO ARE YOU!?
Anyway, I’m sorry about your mom. That sucks.
@mynameisblueskye - Gotta agree there couldn’t have said it any better
Good Luck to you
This reminds me of how I feel about my father.
But I, like you, am making my peace with his failures as a parent.
Here’s to continued healing.
It’s sad that parents put their kids through this. Sometimes letting go of someone is the only way you can start healing. When it’s time, you will be brought back together. Good Luck
Standing on your own two feet is hard, but never as hard as being chained to someone who won’t let you stand.
Good for you. <3!
I’m glad you’re taking steps in the right direction.
It’s so sad when it comes to this. I hope you’re okay.
I hope blogging this made you feel better. I’ve blogged about my dad and I still feel the same. Good luck with all of this. Take care!
I am glad that you are starting to move forward in your healing. It is hard when our parents aren’t what parents are expected to be. Here is to healing and peace! *hugs*
I’m sorry you had such a hard time….:(
I can relate to this, as I have many grievances with my mom too
HUGS…you are a strong person, and you can break the cycle if you want to.
i feel like this could have been my own words.
“children begin by loving their parents. after a time, they judge them. rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.”
best of luck to you and your healing<3
:hug:
Good luck and godspeed healing!
i used to hate my mom the same way. hell, there are sometimes when i still do.
remember: blood is thicker than water.