August 10, 2010

  • Crushed (edit)

    I can’t breathe. My lungs are being crushed. My heart is beating too fast. My hands feel like they don’t belong.

    I feel like everything is closing in, crushing me. Flat.

    I hate this. I hate me.

    Why can’t I not be like this? Not have such bad anxiety about nothing?

    Edit:

    I don’t know what happened. I was just sitting at work, and all of a sudden, I felt like there was walls closing in on me. The room got darker, and my vision started going black around the edges. That made me not be able to breathe. Then my heart started pounding. Then my shoulders were so tense you could break a 2 x 4 across them. My hands felt tingly.

    I was trying to focus on breathing, when the guys started getting in the mood to tease me, but I couldn’t handle that. I needed to focus on my breathing. So I snapped on them. And I feel bad. I hate who I become when things like this happen to me. Why did I have such a bad panic attack? I don’t even know what brought it on.

    Please, please don’t make me go through all of this again.

    Please.

    I’ve dreaded its return for so long, I do not want this.

    Please.

    I’ve worked so hard to get past this.

    I just feel like crying.

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