I work in a warehouse, on the dock. I work with mostly MEN. Who don't censor themselves around me...for the most part. I'm sure they say things they don't want me to hear when I'm not around, but I hear a lot.

I get teased and harassed like there's no tomorrow. I'm called midget, crib midget, G, G Unit, and various other names. The point of their game is to get me to "freak out" or "flip out." Which, I will be the first to admit, happens quite easily. If you find the right buttons to push, I do flip out. I start yelling and threatening and get all heated. I blame it on the fact that I am an Aries, a fire sign, and I am quick to anger. At the same time I'm yelling, I'm laughing about it. That's why they do it, to get my reaction, and most of the time I take it well. There have been a few times they have genuinely pissed me off, and they back off for awhile when they do.

I will admit, that I like being teased. A lot of times, I love it. I laugh and smile a lot while I tell them I'm going to punch them in the face.

So anyway. The other day, I was sitting at my desk, which is literally in the middle of the dock and a truck driver comes in and walks right to me. He says, "Are you the bitch in receiving who signs for stuff?" Umm, seriously? My mouth opened a little in shock and my eyes widened. I'ma fuckin punch you in the face!! He must have known I was offended because he goes, "Haha, just kidding." Yeah, you don't know me well enough to joke around like that, fuck face. I am not the receiver, so after I pointed him in the right direction and he left, I told Cody what he said.

Cody looked like HE wanted to punch the truck driver in face because when I told him, his head snapped up and he looked all over the dock, asking, "Where?!" I told him the driver was already gone. When Tony came back, I told him, and his mouth dropped open and he sounded shocked when he said, "Really?"

So, yes, I am used to getting harassed, but only by the people I'm comfortable with.

With the absence of my family, I've taken this opportunity to spread my work around me on the living room floor.

On my left is the printer. To the right of the printer, is the printer paper. Directly in front of me is the stack of poems and prose on printed paper. To the right of that stack, is the face down stack, the papers I flip over when I'm done editing. To the right of that stack, are the rejected ones.

I've been laying on my stomach, reading through these poems I haven't read in a number of years. It's harder than I thought it would be. These poems bring up memories of very dark times in my life, when I used writing as my escape, a way to get the shit out of my head. I've had to take several breaks, because some of them are just too much to think about all at the same time. Most of this poetry, I've never posted here on Xanga before. Below are a couple of examples. Just an FYI, I haven't yet edited the computer copy of anything, only the paper copies.

---

Hiding in Happiness

Every day she paints her face
Foundation, powder
Eye shadow, eyeliner, and mascara
Sad eyes reflect at her,
While the plaster starts to crack from the smiles
Her heart doesn’t show,
But she feels it break inside her chest
She practices happy eyes and laughter,
So no one knows
No one knows the sad secret from long ago
Barely a whisper on her memory,
The plaster sometimes cracks
She repairs them alone,
Until once again her painted face shines with glee
She dances like a ballerina,
Whirling and twirling around truth,
The smile forever pasted on
The lie has almost become truth
But she knows better
Tears don’t slide down her face,
Or appear in her eyes
She feels them inside
She finishes her dance strong,
Bowing, with one arm folded,
So her hand lies gracefully on her heart
The other spread out
Applause thunders around her
Are they praising her dancing
Because it was just beautiful art?
Or because of her ability to lie?
Sadness fills her completely
Because no one knows
The elaborate mask she wears
Paints a picture of the happiness she does not feel
All alone now,
She takes it off and silently cries
‘They will never know,’
She whispers with quiet determination,
As sad eyes gaze back at her

---

Tears of Jade Blood of Rubies

When the last tear is shed
The last breath I take
When the last drop of blood is spilled
The last cut I’ll slice

Tears of jade
Blood of rubies
Red and black memories
Satires of this life we laugh

The humor we saw wasn’t real
The laughter didn’t last, it faded away
You saw what you wanted to see
Ignored the pain in my eyes

I gave you every clue
Those sad eyes I had
Those real tears I cried
Those scars I showed you

You never acknowledged this hurt
Never breathed a word
I suffered as we laughed
You knew the ways I hurt myself

Poetic injustice of this chained life served
Never looked to tomorrow
Only to these wounds I cover myself in
When will it be enough?

You’re the last thing running through my mind
This suicide I thought through
I thought I’d find myself in you
But that was lying to myself

I know these tears running down my face
Aren’t from pain at all
As I slowly die in my misery
Yours is the last number I call

---

*EDIT*

I am cleaning the house for when my family comes home tomorrow morning, then I will take a shower.... then I will come back and read all of your guys' wonderful posts =]

So, I thought I would let everyone know what I'm doing. I've started seriously thinking about publishing my own book of poetry and prose, using the self-publishing method. I've started by gathering a lot of my work and my printer is currently working on printing everything out.....96 pages. I would like to write some new material too. So what I'm going to be doing is going through everything, changing it if it can be improved, removing pieces that I don't think are good enough, deciding what order I want things in....

So, I have a question for those of you who have read my blog for awhile. I want to know if you think my writing is good enough to publish. I want you to be honest, and if you think I could improve anything in any way. Would you buy it? I would really appreciate the feedback.

Today I don't have to work and I have the day and house to myself. I may or may not be around xanga today, because I have decided that today will be a movie marathon day...plus True Blood is on tonight. Sooo, since I won't be seeing any fireworks tonight, I found some pictures to share.

So, it's 4th of July weekend, and I have to work all weekend. My dad and my sister left a little bit ago to go on vacation until Tuesday morning. So, I am home all alone. Which is weird to me, because someone is ALWAYS home.

The best thing about being home alone for a few days?

I can masturbate. Oh, I do...but I have to be quiet. Now, I can be as loud as I want and watch porn as loud as I want. If only I had a boyfriend or girlfriend, because then I could actually have SEX. It's been too long.... and I'm not a one-night-stand-casual-sex kind of a girl.... TMI? I don't really care, haha. This is MY blog, yo.

Anyway, being home alone is going to be great. If I didn't have to work, I'd have a party

What do all these things have in common, you say?

Well, first of all, let's take lima beans and cyanide into consideration. Lima beans, in fact, CONTAIN cyanide. I know, RIGHT?! This is interesting because at work one day not too long ago, we were at lunch. A couple of the guys have an app on their phone for random, useless facts. It's kind of become a tradition that someone reads these facts out loud while at lunch. Anyway, Cody has braces on the inside of his teeth, and a bracket fell off. He was in the middle of complaining about how he has to make a dentist appointment and Tony looks at him, and says, "Lima beans contain cyanide."

I thought this was hilarious, and I made a resolution that from now on, whenever someone was talking about something relatively important to me, I would bring this fact up in the middle of the conversation. I have since then, and we just laugh. I also threaten to bring a shit load of lima beans in and forcing them to eat them when they are mean to me .

Next, we were at lunch today and it was brought up that Cody has eaten peanut butter and miracle whip sandwiches. I don't even know what to say about that. He claims that they are good.

Finally, another random fact. 15% of Americans are secret toe-biters.

Yes, you read that right. TOE-BITERS.

Cody hates feet, so it's natural to assume that he is the toe-biter of the group. He's faking it, so that we don't suspect anything. But we are on to him. Oh, yes. We are on to his little secret.

Anyway, I just talked to my mom and she was talking about some wedding dresses she had seen, and she had imagined me in one of them. I said, "But mom, what if I never get married?" She flipped out and asked me why I would say such a thing. I replied that I doubt anyone will ever want to marry me. She then said that I can't talk that way because she's been dreaming of the day I get married for quite some time. Then she started talking about babies and in her words, "the making of the baby, after the wedding, of course." LMAO

She also told me that they had one of my sister Taylor's friends living in their BOAT for a couple of days. What. Apparently his parents kicked him out, so he slept in their boat for a night, and mom found out so then he slept in the house for a night, then they brought him back home. I can say I've never slept in the boat. I wonder if the lanyard I started on the boat like 10 years ago is still in there....

My sisters and I rode home in the boat once on the drive home. Good times.

You caught me. I do....

Because he's a great guy and really nice and sweet and funny....

And here's other Xangans I heart...

Ampersands_Anonymous- She's awesome because she's always so nice to me ^_^
DessertHer- Another super nice person, and gorgeous.
GiantUnicorn- I miss her!! I hope she returns soon.
MoistLipsChappedHearts- Amazing writer and person!! Her words inspire me to be a better writer.
Notzchiya- Love her because she's just so awesome, and nice.
NoGraySunflowers- Love her writing!! I wish I caught more of her posts.
OhItWontBeForever- I LOVE TUKHA!! I hope she returns soon too.
Paul_Partisan- Paul's awesome because his blogs make me laugh
Queen_of_You188- I HEART NANI!!! She's a sweetheart ^_^
Roadlesstaken- I'd like to know who DOESN'T like Alex. Seriously.
TheBigShowAtUD- Matt's like the coolest guy around. He's back to being the half-face guy, instead of one of the MIB....maybe I should be a half person again too so he's not alone...
TheTheologiansCafe- Dan's a really nice guy. Talk to him in a message, you'll know. I hope he's having fun on vacation =]
TimeLostMeaning- David is a sweetheart. He really is. We've talked quite a bit, and he's pretty awesome.
YeahHer- She's pretty awesome too. I love her posts =]
betterdesigned- I heart Courtney!! She's awesome, a great food porn artist, and a great writer =]
breaking_expectations- A book worm, like me!! What more could you ask for??
hilaw- She's a great writer, another one that inspires me to be a better writer.
imasilentheart- Really, what's not to love about Amber? I can't wait to get my gift in the mail =]
into_the_lens- She's pretty awesome, hasn't been around much...that I've seen =[ Maybe I'm missing all her posts again...
maniac_rose- Not afraid to speak her mind, I love it!!
repressedwriter- She's such a great writer!! (A lot of my favorites are writers, lol!!)
samanthabecicka- I made her list!! She's awesome too, and always nice to me =]
skylar_rose- I love her poems, and she's super nice too.

I have more Xangans that I heart, but I so could not fit them all....I would be here ALLL night!!!!