July 22, 2010
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Why the fuck would you want me?
I don’t have a lot of confidence. I have very little, in fact. This is something that I’ve tried working on, and I’m doing better.
I grew up largely ignored. Drug addicts tend to do that. Because of that, I am very independent. However, I also have no confidence. People rarely paid attention to me, so I never really paid attention to myself. I sat, silently observing most of the time, yet chattering to anyone who would listen, which was often, no one. My dad doesn’t tell me many stories about me and the things I did when I was little. He repeats them so often, I think that’s all he remembers from his drug and alcohol induced state.
Throughout grade school and middle school, it was a combination of people ignoring me and relentlessly bullying me. This wasn’t teasing me. No. This was downright cruelty. I won’t recount any of it, because to this day it still makes me sad, embarrassed, and humiliated. I always walked with my head down.
In high school, I kept mostly to myself. I had a small group of friends, most of whom are still my best friends. I wasn’t teased like I had been, but I still had no confidence.
When people tell me that they like me, in any way, I always wonder why. What quantities do I possess that make me friend-worthy? That make me girlfriend-worthy? I honestly don’t believe that I am worthy of any of that. Why would anyone want me?
I have things about my character that I hate. I am very loud. I talk loudly. I can be very obnoxious. I start yelling when people piss me off. I have a tendency to curse a lot when I’m mad. I get mad too easily. I get heated too easily (not in a sexual way). I can be very selfish. Are these traits something people want? I don’t think they are. I truly wonder what people see in me that makes me worthy of anything, because I simply don’t see it.
I’m better than I used to be, but I still have trouble valuing my self-worth and my self-doubt gets in the way of many things.
Comments (34)
everybody has unfavorable traits about themselves they don’t like.. you’re not the only one!
its about finding someone who can help you change/put up with those unfavorable traits.. at least that’s what I found with my current boyfriend.
there are plenty of people out there who will be willing to accept you and love you for who you are, I’m sure there are people who already do!
don’t get too down on yourself, we’ve all got flaws <3
I am all of those things that you listed that you hate about yourself. I’ve learned to embrace them, though. I know it’s hard :/. Keep your chin up.
I used to think no one wanted me, but believe it or not, there are people out there that love people like us. Everyone has bad qualities, but they also have good. I don’t know you well enough to list them, but I’m sure you have them :].
The beauty of people is that the right people and the right friends know that you can be all of those things, but they can work with it. Sometimes, they even see something good in it.
It’s all in knowing that your friends understand the real you. And as long as you are wiling to give a good dosage of that, then everything else is alright.
I can really identify with a lot of what you are saying. I struggle with these feelings also. Because of them I settled for a jerk. Please don’t make the same mistake I did!
You have value. There are people who can spot your lack of confidence and take advantage of you by playing on it. So I hope you are more careful than I was.
I do not know you IRL. But from the blogs I have read, you are very interesting. And the fact that you are aware of your imperfections says that you are not a selfish person.
The best thing I know to help you may offend you, and if you have ever read my blogs you may know what that is. I do not want to offend you so I will go no farther.
All I can say is as you get older your perspective will change and you will learn to value your best qualities, and things that seem so bad now really weren’t. Hang in there. It usually gets batter.
I would love to be your friend. I have never really had a lot of female friends, but if you want to talk, feel free to message me.
I’ve asked myself this same question so many times in my life. I wasn’t incredibly ignored throughout grade school, but those who did pay attention to me fucked me up for friends to come.
If you ask one of your friends why they would want you, they would tell you why. A person would want another person for who they are and how they act, and although you might not be confident, you might shine a small light of confidence around your friends. Just a little one
Many people have the same qualities you do, like being loud and obnoxious. One of the people who considers me their best friend called me ‘the most annoying person in the world’ once. Of course I wasn’t supposed to know, but then again, I’m nosy as well. I admit to being annoying and sometimes (a lot) selfish. But when people say they like me or they enjoy me, I wonder why.
People have their reasons, so you must have some pretty likable qualities. Even if you don’t see ‘em
~Diggory
It took one of my best friends giving me hell every time I said something self-deprecating for three years for me to gather together even a shred of self-confidence. It’s just something you have to keep working and working on. Sometimes I don’t understand why my friends keep me around or how they could like me, but there must be something. My friends aren’t the type to keep around someone they hate, and I’m sure yours aren’t either.
I’ve been a loner since the age of three, or two, or I can’t remember exactly. My issues, other than that, are probably a bit different. All I know is I was never able to connect with anyone; for reasons I didn’t know how to explain and people often assumed ridiculous others. But whatever issues you have with yourself, even if they are real problems, don’t hate yourself for them. Some habits can’t be stopped abruptly either. Work on those gradually.
LOVE the paragraph about the other things you hate about yourself because girl, every single one is word for word my personality! When I get excited about anything I get obnoxious. Most of the time I’m just loud in general and some of the “friends” i do have just yell at me when we are out in public for being too loud. I feel your pain with all that stuff.
Also, just because you don’t have confidence and are independent doesn’t mean someone can’t be your friend/boyfriend. I have no confidence what-so-ever and I’ve had a boyfriend for over 3 years. I know its cheesy but I believe there really is someone for everyone.
Your reedeming qualities probably outshine your negative ones. Everybody has a balance of each. You just have more trouble seeing it than others who have a more objective view of you.
at least you can pinpoint what qualities you don’t like and work on fixing those if you choose to. However, I’m sure you have plenty of good ones as well.
I would want you because, more than once, you have been a voice that has kept me sane. Because I’ve seen you grow over the years. Because you have shared your scars and know them as your own.
I would want you because you admit that there are things you want to change, and that you are willing to see them. You have all the ability you need, I will never doubt that.
Some of what you describe was what happened to me, too; though high school was a blast.
I am quiet and navigate a small circle these days, but my wife found me worth it all, in December, 1980.Someone will see you as worthy, maybe when you least expect it.
because you’re hot
i’m the opposite, i mean, i’m respectful, quiet, …. and so i get stepped on often… i’m changing that about myself…
im gonna come back and comment on this later…but let me just say this…i dont really know you, however, from the things you’ve posted..I would be proud to call you friend
From the things you’ve posted, I can imagine you are the kind of person that, once you become friends with someone, you will stick up for them. You are the kind of friend I would like to have in my corner. You’ve been through so much that you can discern between phony and sincerity in people. There’s a little bit of me in the description of yourself. All of those things you have gone through are the circumstances you were in.
Crazy2love,you didn’t ask for those things to happen, you didn’t choose your environment. Those things aren’t you, they are just a part of your experiences. I can relate though…I can. At times I want to walk into a room with my head down and wish for invisibility. Then I think, f**k these people, I don’t know them, they don’t know me and let them judge me cuz they will judge wrong. Nobody knows unless they’ve walked in your shoes.
You just hold your head up high because…..not only did you survive childhood, you thrived. Yes, you did more than just survive. And that shows the kind of person you are. That shows your character. That is why someone would want you, someone would want to love you, someone would want to call you friend, someone would be lucky to have you in their life.
So, if anyone has any problems with this, let me know, I’ve got your back.
everyone has things they dont like about themselves, i myself have had bad self esteem issues and im finally getting better at believing in myself, but i do question my self worth a lot and it sucks.
You are you. And that is beautiful. If you were anything but yourself, I would be worried and concerned. Look at yourself in the mirror and admire all of the amazing things about yourself because I assure you, there a lot. I appreciate your sincerity, honesty, and vulnerability. It makes you such a good writer because you know how to connect. You are beautiful. Don’t forget it
You may think of yourself as loud and obnoxious, but if I remember right, that is one thing you said made things fun for you at work, people found it as an easy way to tease you and although you were angry,got YOU to laugh at how easily you were riled
. I could be remembering the wrong story and Im sorry if I am, but generally it seems like the people who get along the best with you, understand you- and that makes you worth thier time, and most of the time, them worth yours. Its people who dont try to understand another individual who arent worth that individual’s time.
Keep your head high and stay loud!
I was extremely shy when I was little, but I consider myself a social butterfly…it just took a while to break through the cocoon.
A very honest post…
i thought i was the only one!
I like you because you seem like a very honest person, and that you’d stick by your friends no matter what kind of shit was going down. There’s nothing wrong with talking loudly. In fact, most of my friends are like that. I’m the quiet one who rarely speaks unless I’m excited or pissed off, and everyone around me is practically screaming in conversation, having a great fucking time.
There is plenty to like about you. These are just the traits I like best about you.
you are focusing on the negative stuff and you are forgetting that people don’t expect other people to be perfect. no one only has only good traits about them. I agree with all of the others that said even though I don’t really know you in real life, just from the things you have posted, you seem like you would be someone I would want to know and consider a friend.
There are countless more unattractive things than being angry and hurt.
I really liked this post (:
I actually feel the same way as you, a lot of the time. My temper is not one anyone would like to deal with. And when I’m angry…. I’m pretty frightening. I do wonder a lot, what some people see in me. But I do know that my very close friends have accepted the way I am, and no matter what faults I have, they know I’m a good person. And I know I am too. That’s what you should keep in mind. You are a good person too. Despite any flaws. And if people can’t see that, they can **** off.
You come across as a very wise, bright person – to me anyways. Are you calling me DUMB?
I can relate to this. What matters is that you know what to change about yourself if you choose to. However, if you wanna make changes, do it for yourself and no one else. You said you’ve gotten better so keep focusing on that and be happy. Be true to yourself! Take care!
Hey, you have some qualities that I like – like talking loudly! I can’t stand people I can’t hear, lol. So don’t be surprised if people like you =)
They love you because you’re you.
You’re stuck with yourself for the rest of your life, so one day you’re going to have to open up your eyes and see that you are beautiful.
I’m sorry. I can relate. I don’t have much self esteem and often wonder why people would like me. I often think they don’t like me.
No one is perfect, I’m sure there is a lot more of good to you than there are negatives. Similar to me, I have a tendency and focusing on only the bad.
Sometimes we have to look into the mirror deeply in order to see ourselves. Whether it be our reflections in a body of water or in a simple mirror, looked into your own eyes through your reflection, don’t even believe the illusion you see on the mirror. Look inside your own eyes, your soul & spirit and tell yourself, I want me, and I have myself.” The only person you should value is yourself. Many people nowadays feel in order they have to be of value, they need to go out onto the world and do something spontaneous in order to be of a valued person. Hence why the mainstream media is so bland now a days. And in all honesty, the self fish, angry, loud & obnoxious traits is something most of us have, if not that it’s hidden somewhere within us. No one carries a halo of perfection. Writing, mostly your writing is the answer of to your value. The fact that you can write out your thoughts and opinions when most others who don’t find value of themselves can’t even explain or map out their own thoughts and opinions through speech or text.
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