For those of you who don't know, Steve shut his site down yesterday.

I am deeply saddened to learn this, as he was one of my most favorite Xangans. The details surrounding this are a bit hazy.

When I first met him, all I could do was laugh at his user name, I thought it was hilarious! His sense of humor quickly proved to be my kind of style. Not only was he funny, but he was kind and caring towards me (and many others). I grew to genuinely care for him as a person. Now, I am worried about him and how he is doing. If anyone has heard from him since he shut his site down, let me know, please?

Anyway, this is for you buddy, and I do hope you return someday.

It seems that too many people used the word "xanga" in their titles too much lately, so the new word to make people go crazy is "boobs."

Umm, I have a lot to catch up on, seeing as how I couldn't exactly read all of the boob posts while I was at work!! I will be busy reading for quite some time...

It seems that most women who have large breasts agree with me, and most women with smaller breasts disagreed.

Thanks to everyone who commented and rec'd....it was by far my most productive post ever...with the most views and comments.

Now, I am off to read the posts I've missed throughout the day....

Yeah, I said it. They SUCK.

Let me tell you why.

1. No matter how young you are, if you have naturally large breasts, they sag. Sad, but true.

2. If you have naturally large breasts, this could mean some serious back problems. Especially if you are short, and have big boobs. REAL big boobs weigh more than the fake ones, therefore back pain can be an issue.

3. As a bisexual woman, I love boobs. I do. And yet, I think that anyone who has more than a hand or mouth full, it's a waste. I've even heard men say this!! I think a full B or C is PERFECT. My 40D just sucks major ass.

4. Thanks, seedsower, I forgot this one! Alas, it is hard finding a cute bra that also supports and is not overly priced. Sexy bras, HA! You're going to have to pay an arm and a leg, seeing as how even Victoria's Secret doesn't offer their sexy bras in larger sizes.

I think that the reason women get breast implants is because men objectify them so much. Really, men can say all they want that big boobs don't matter, but women notice when men turn their heads and drool over a woman with big breasts. It makes the women with smaller breasts feel inferior, hence the over abundance of breast implants.

I have personally never felt fake boobs, but they certainly don't look very nice to squeeze and tweek and bite and suck. Just saying is all.

I'm riding this wave of paranoia and anxiety
Lightheaded, I've lost too much blood the last few days
This darkness is settling in again around me
Hello, old friend, it's been awhile

I feared your return for so long
But now you have a warm welcome
An embrace that saps my energy
And leaves me just as broken as before

The last months, I realize, were a farce
They weren't real and I was living in a dreamland
Now I'm back to reality and the darkness is mine again
I might walk around with a frown, but inside I'm smiling

Falling asleep
to the sounds of thunder
And rain slanting
against the windows
Wishing you were here
beside me
Your body curled
against mine
My heart grows cold
and alone
With my bed devoid
of your presence
The tears toll
slowly
down my cheeks
As the ache
takes over my soul
And I listen to the sound
of the rain
against my window panes

I'm melancholy. Yesterday was the worst fucking day I've had in a long time, and I don't even want to talk about it, because I might cry. I cried last night.

Love the Way You Lie by Eminem f/Rihanna is my new favorite song. I've listened to most of his new CD, and I like it. I also like the song with Pink, I don't remember what it's called. Anyway, I love the song with Rihanna so much because it reminds me of my own life. I've never been in such an abusive relationship, but I know how it feels to "love" the way it hurts to be hurt. Sometimes, I WANT to be in a destructive relationship. I want someone who will beat the shit out of me. My emotions have been kicked around so much anyway, what's the difference with hitting me? Why would I want this, do you ask?

It's hard to explain, I suppose, but it's a simple concept for me. All I know, is to be hurt. So sometimes, that's all I want. I wouldn't know how to handle it when someone treats me nice. I would push them away anyway. I would hurt myself if that person didn't.

I want someone to punch me. I want someone to strangle me. To kick me when I'm down.

I'm doomed to live this life. I can accept it, right now at least.

I don't know. I guess I'm just too much of a broken person inside. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts

This post is for imasilentheart, for participating in her latest post =]

------

Love Songs

I write love songs on napkins
Sad songs on my arms

I write beautiful words of sorrow
They wrap their melodies around me

The hypocrites whisper sinner
While the saints preach

I see her standing there
I write about her sad eyes

I see versions of myself
In everyone I pass

I hide in my shell
I throw my words away

What the fuck is wrong with me? I used to find a blog post in everything every day, but for the last several weeks I have found myself completely uninspired. I hate this feeling.

Cody and I were talking a little bit about anger and violence. I used to have an anger problem...

I was angry at the injustice of my childhood and the things that happened to me. When I was a kid, I would break things. I broke the closet doors, I slammed the hair brushes against the bathroom counters and broke the handles off. I broke various other possessions of mine. As I got older, it progressed and I actually saw red when I got really angry. I was out of control and I said cruel things I didn't mean to the people I love. I stopped breaking things, but I still got very angry all the time.

I think I got in a healthier state of mind when I started finding my religion, which I'm not going to talk about right now.

Being so angry like that is scary. Later, you hate yourself for the things you say. I felt like I was an ugly person, inside and out. Even though it's a part of my past, I fear it coming back. I hated who I was, and I never want to be that person again. Only I can control my actions, but I always felt completely out of control and outside of my own body when I got angry. The only thing I could ever do was be alone until it passed. Sometimes, I would just get angry for no reason. Sometimes, just the smallest thing would set me off.

I've gotten past this though.

I just wanna see how well this works.

REC THIS POST!!

How many recs can I get?

For your efforts, a song to listen to....I couldn't embed the music video because embed was DISABLED for that one. wtf.

Because who doesn't like sex? And candy? TOGETHER?!